UPSET, MISERABLE and 500 calories for The day..

Well as soon as I got off work my hell begin, went and picked Michael up from his Mothers, which I don't really care for anyway..He was in an Ok mood I assume so on the way Home, I said I am a lil hungry..what have I ate?? You know just talking to myself, well those of you that read my entry's know I only ate a Fiber bar and a small amount of tuna on lettuce and of course WATER, sooo I was Ohh yeah I hate that Fiber bar, He start going off on me telling me how dumb I was, I didn't know how to diet that when and IF I lost it I would gain it back because i was to stupid to do it the right way, I assume his way is to EAT ANY and EVERYTHING...Finally we got to Subway and I thought, I am sure I can find something Healthy there soo, I grabbed the Calorie guide and the girl behind the counter was talking about things that other people eat that's healthy and I mentioned what I ate, just having a normal conversation...WELL...In the mean time he is getting a Terrijo something sub.. and these two young pretty girls walk in, He starts looking at me crazy, basically telling me to shut up about the diet...as we walk out he looks the girl up and down, I simply said, It won't be long and men will look at me that way...I mean Here I am, Struggling and he is saying just get something damn...

Anyway on the way home I cried all the way of course, while he went on and on about how he is not dumb he knows how to diet and that the ONLY reason he was a lil heavy is because he was "Depressed" i wanted to say you know what, ME TOO!! (Because of YOU) BUT, I didn't however I did tell him that he did not support me in any way and I did not need him to tell me a bunch of bull that he knows NOTHING about...

This is the kind of stuff I am dealing with here, and people wonder why the heck I say I am in an UNHAPPY marriage, Just as I told him..I WILL NOT give up, I will do it without him or anyone...
This is extremely stressful on me...I have cried until I am miserable sick..I mean I want to lose weight, I want to feel beautiful and I know I am FAT, I know I am ...I know I am very unhealthy and I know he is using me and that's the only reason he is here, I am not blind...He is always looking at women and flirting and all that but I just pretend I don't see it..because just simply put, I most of the time just don't care...I am so depressed and miserable and just mad at myself...Just in a crazy mood...I feel like I should give up...But I won't...I am stronger then that...I will NOT allow him to bring me to his level...

Now I may be a lil upset at how I ate today...NOT GOOD...NOT good at all...You know what I ate for lunch but dinner is worse...I ONLY ate a half of a half turkey w/ lettuce sub..Like not even a fourth of it because I was so upset, I told him he could have it and believe me..he ate it. I probably didn't eat but 500 calories if that...I am EXTREMELY upset with myself and want to cry more and more...I can not believe after two weeks of keeping positive and focused, I allowed him and allowed myself to get like this...I don't know why but, somehow I am treating the food as if it is my enemy..like I shouldn't eat...I took my medicine late so I am thinking maybe that's why i have not been hungry....either way I done BAD and I am aware of it.Tomorrow is a new day and I will make it a good day, I am going to go walking tomorrow...Maybe at a track I am not sure yet but, i want this so badly that I am going to do it...I want to be a HEALTHY weight and I want so badly to pretend my husband does not exist.
I Hope everyone else night was better then mine...
Jenna