Without a Doubt I am depressed, I am not sure what is going on but, I feel like I am ..I don't know just Blaaaaaa Ya know..Its weird! After work I got dinner, I went to Subway and got the Mini sub ( 1/4 of a regular sub ) and had her to put JUST lettuce on it with two pieces of Turkey, after I got it i was ...ummm No That's NOT what I want sooo I pulled out my Calorie thingy for McDonald's and seen that I could get a 4 piece nugget for Very few Calories BUT, Its basically considered "fried" and I have not had ANYTHING fried soo I went for it and BOY I am paying for it, I ate THREE SMALL chicken nuggets and I now am sick and feel miserable...I guess because I have not had grease in so long...OMG it was NASTY, I won't do that again, for a snack i ate three fat free mints...yumm yumm lol anyway, I am not sure that i am losing anything, I am one of the stubborn people that REFUSED to get on a scale...I mean I REFUSE! I decided that once a month was enough torture for me soooo ...that's what I done...OK I am ready to explain my depression, This is extremely hard for me BUT I need to talk about this and its really SAD and depressing and I hope that I can do it without crying my eyes out and this is the part of my life that VERY few people know about so they don't understand why I am so bitter at my Husband...
OK Lets start here when I was 14 my husband and I met, I thought he was my world and at 14 he was lol, I was raised in a single father home and I was searching for love, he seemed almost perfect, we dated until I was 19 and I moved to Nashville, I was there 8 years and returned, I just happen to run into his Mother (who BTW always wanted us to get married and told me at a young age that she knew we would ) well we started talking again and at 30 I married him..He when I knew him did not drink or smoke or anything..I mean NOTHING..so that being said, while I was away he was in a terrible tractor trailer wreck and came pretty close to dying and stayed in the hospital 3 months took him a while to learn to walk and to get back to normal but when I got back with him he was OK and seemed like the old Michael Little did I know he had a hidden secert that he failed to mention before we were married...
It was Ok at first and I noticed he would get really..Umm how do I say this..Moody I guess and became very violent and has even hit me in the past. Well he is trying to get disability and takes pain meds and has grown addicted to it, and when I say addicted I mean if he runs out all heck breaks lose...I mean Its SAD and SICK...to me. I guess because I have never done drugs I don't understand the whole "addiction" thing. I just figured since he gets them legally from a Dr its OK, but while in medical school ( I attended Medical school for 2 years ) I figured it out. This is extremely hard for me because I am highly against this and feel that he needs to stop when I suggest that, he is like well you don't have a medal rode in your leg and a plated hip and blots in your knee so u wouldn't understand...BUT that is true and I stay on edge ALL the time, this is one of our biggest problems..(That and the fact that he does not work, takes advantage of me and treats me like I am a "nobody" OH and NEVER supports me and and talks down to me constantly I could go on... ) I am the provider in the house, I clean, work buy food, pay all bills and do EVERYTHING on my own, yet I am married. i know people get tired of hearing it and I guess I do too...Its on my mind because we have our anniversary in about two weeks and it is sad to say but he has never even got me anything...I do it all an when i say that I mean EVERYTHING....I buy his cloths, wash them and lay them out sometimes...I am just venting I guess I just let it get to me WAYY to much But Now I am doing something for myself and sometimes i just don't feel worthy of even doing that...Some days I am strong and others weak and miserable...I use to think of ways to disappear because before him, i wasn't in a good situation either..Its been a hard life full of disappointment, and I guess I am scared my diet will turn out the same way...I never expect to be happy because I am normally let down ya know...
I don't like telling people about myself because I don't know of anything really good to tell...I am very friendly to "just meet me" But I keep EVERYONE at a distance and will not let anyone in my world..it's weird, I know alot of people don't know me that well but i was in college for 3 years, I met so many people, I was a member of Civitan ( A College out reach program that helped the community ) I have awards from various groups I have attended, I attend UT and completed a program and been through a few jobs and do you know out of all those things I have done, I don't stay in contact with many, maybe a handful of people...Why is that? Why do I push everyone away? The crazy thing is I have always felt that people didn't like me, I would hide behind my weight, Now that i could possibly be losing it, what will I hide behind??? I am in a Bad situation all the way around but, God knows I am trying to dig my way out of the mess I have become...I just hope I have the strength and will power to do everything it will take...
3 comments:
Jenn, my heart is breaking for you girl. I know your in between a rock and a hard place with Michael!
A friend of mine who I worked with had a sister who husband was hurt on the job and got addicted to pain killers. He use to get them at the "pain clinics" but the state started shutting them down, so he resorted to robbing pharmacy's. His wife nor anybody in the family knew he had been doing this... he had robbed about 12 or so. Anyways one morning he got up early out of bed and left the house next thing ya know he robbed a Walgreens and the police where in hot pursuit and they cornered him on a road and he got out of the car and acted like he was going to pull a gun and the officers shot and killed him! He had a hair brush in his pocket. They say he did that so the officers would kill him because he didn't want to live!
Your husband needs help and I am sorry to tell you this but he is not going to get it, nor does his family sound like think he needs help!
You should not have to live in fear of being abused physically or emotionally! Your a smart lady and you will survive no matter what decisions you make in your life! yes I know your thinking "but oh we have too many bills together, a house, bank accounts and ect... its too much of a headache to have to get a lawyer and split it up" well I am here to tell you I have done it 3 times and I am a MUCH HAPPIER person for knowing when to say "enough is enough... I DESERVE BETTER"!!
I heart you girl... {{HUGS}}
I have read your post daily, but haven't commented because I have been in your shoes. My husband wasn't addicted to pain killers it was alcohol. I spent 12 years with someone I was afraid of. He was abusive both mentally and physically. He convinced me I was fat, ugly and no one would want me. I had two kids 3 and 6 months when I finally left. I let him convince me that I would not make it alone. But 10 years later I bought a home, my vehicle is paid off and my kids are doing great. Yes is was very hard to take that first step out the door and yes I had so much guilt that I was leaving him in his time of need....knowing none of my needs were being taken care of I still felt I should stay and try and help him. He didn't want help...it took him hitting bottom on his own to realize something was wrong with him. He went through many DWI's many fines, many arrests for him to finally see he what he was doing. I can say we are friends now and I only see him as their dad...not my ex. He still pushes my buttons sometimes...and yes I am still alone 10 years later but I am ok with that. Raising my kids and taking care of me are the most important things on my plate right now. It took a long time for me to get in the right frame of mind to walk away and see that taking care of me and the boys was more important than constantly trying to help someone who wasn't ready for it. I will keep you in my prayers...praying God gives you the strength to get through this with or without staying in your marriage.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I hope things can get better for you soon!
thanks for stopping by my blog!
Post a Comment