Monday, May 25, 2009

Bi Polar

I was watching a show and I thought about my Bi polar disorder,its kind of nuts but my husband is OCD and a recovering drug addicted and I am about as Bi-Polar as they come...what a pair is all I could think about! I start cousling again next week, I kind of dread that in a way. I wish that people understood how I felt, I mean the people around me...Its like I never know how I will feel the next day.. I get really really depressed and people say things like Im crazy, I started again lord whatever...I am getting aggrivated just thinking about it I mean VERY frustrated!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Welll Hummm

Ok so todays been VERY busy, I assume since Tax seasons almost over people are doing the last minute thing but BOY Its driving me crazy. I did find the time to feed my addiction but going to the game store and spending my whole break trying to decide what game to get next...then didnt even get one!!! I put all the money I collected from my trade in games on my card! I tell ya anyway when michael came back from the clinic this AM he has our homework assignmenet that the cousler had given us...seems she said I wasnt being "personal enough" she feels I am keeping my feelings hidden away. I am not sure if this lady understand that I have built up a wall and I am scared to let it down right now. I am scared I will say the wrong thing and it will do nothing but cause michael and I to fight and argue and I just dont wanna deal with it. I know it may sound crazy but michael done so much to me it made me scared to trust anyone. I guess I do need to open up to her more but its his recovery and I just dont wanna do anything to upset him right now.

We did decide to do easter baskets, I thought it would be a good idea so that we could spend some time togather and it would be lots of fun. on Easter we are going to deliver baskets to our moms. We dont do the whole go to church thing so this is BETTER yeahhh easter eggs :) anyway guess I better do a lil work or sumffin lol laterz

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

No More Stress...Until tomarrow

OK sooo Today was marriage cousling at the Methadone clinic, pretty interesting! This cousler feels like michael is doing perfect and that maybe I am being a lil over the edge which is very possible. It is hard for me because I am the one that has had to deal with his stealing and all the lies and all that. The trust has to be bulit back up. Although he does seem tow be working toward it I feel I still should deal with the situation with caution.

I had my "appointment" this am..BOY was I STRESSED out, I could sleep last night for worring so I stayed up until VERY late playing Mario on my DSi. Now I ammm SOOO tired I can hardly stand it! Michael was very supportive today and thank god if he hadn't been I would have prob killed him! My nerves have been shot!

We did FINALLY go to the YMCA and paid for our membership, now getting started will be a blast. I have got to put my mind to it and just do it. I dont wanna be skinny but hell I would be happy if people would say I am avarage but right now..Its pretty much FAT! Lord it makes me about to throw up but I know its the trust and ONLY I can fix it Blahh Blahhh Blahhh!!

Anyway with all that being said..I assume I need to get my ass to work...I act like I am not at work haaaa Haaa

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Who Knew..

who ever said being a manager was easy LIED, and I am just not sure its worth it after today, it was suppose to be my day off however, I found out today that well...sometimes thats just not possible who knew? My god...anyway Michael and I got up this am and had a pretty good morning until I stopped by the office to see how the new girl was getting along..well the office was CRAZY! I had to litterly stop my day to go in and help her..Michael was PISSED and of course resorted to calling me names and yelling at me how I am such a bitch. I mean really ALL I done was show how to take control of the office. I never thought that was a bad thing but obviously for him, he don't understand..Maybe because he has never had that type of job but for me, I take it VERY serious! The fact that michael talk to me the way he did hurt, in a bad way...but everytime he does it my wall goes back up and I get tired of letting it down only for him to build it back up. Its frustrating when I try to hard. Anyway, I told him I was sorry and hugged him, and he grabbed me back and hugged me with a very serous hug and said he was sorry to. I just wish he could understand that saying "I'm sorry" cant always be the answer...sometimes he needs to use a little self control.
anyway..on a diff note..I get the new DSi tonight at midnight and I am headed to the midnight part. I am pretty darn excited. I am such a kid when it comes to stuff like games. of course he is laying here asleep..go figger! LAZYYY....

Guess I will surf the web until time to leave

Friday, April 3, 2009


I have such a Friggin headache! oK now thats outta the way! I decided to call home to see if maybe my husband would like luch, of course he is still in he bed asleep which is pretty normal which is pretty darn frustrating. I thought once he started getting clean that some of the bad habits would fade and they have to a point but the sleeping part...well thats just not going to happen I am sure of it...We are suppose to go to dinner tonight...Crab legs that sounds pretty darn good.
Today I started looking through some blogs and was reading other peoples thoughts and views about Methadone. It seems like I wanna know more and more. I have a few concerns that I am trying to iron out in my mind, Just thing I need to deal with I suppose. I have ask our cousler, marlena several questions but still have more it seems.
Work has been pretty show which is driving me CRAZYYY I am almost bored..

Looking for More?

Good Morning
Woke up earily, my husband had left for the clinic and I couldnt sleep, was starting to worry about him. I hate him being out so earily in the morning. Seems the only time I get to spend with him is in the mornings when he gets back, other wise he is just fighting sleep. I know that things should be getting better and they are in a sense however, I want the romance back. Its hard once you have lost it, to re-gain it but I know it can be done. Its just learning to try new things and to try to change some bad habits. We laid and watched one of the most loving movies so thats a start!
Last night michael and my dad worked on the breaks, michaels acts like he just hates my dad but my dad really is starting to trust him and love him. I wish michael understood. I am not sure michael knows how to take my dad. I know he can be annoying but, he is the best man in the world ever besides my hubby...His Birthday is this week.
well Guess I will get ready to prepare some Taxes before the end of season...which I DREAD!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A fresh New beginning

I would have to say that things have changed more in my life this year then any other year ever! Michael and I are now in cousling and working on our marriage, he is on a journey to becoming clean and healthy and hopefully this is the beginning of a whole new world for us. I sat this morning and decided to read my past post on this blog and wow, what a miserable and sad person I was. I thought about deleteing it and starting out fresh however, I didnt and I didnt because I felt that it is important for me to rememeber how I was thinking and feeling at that point and time in my life.

My weight loss is still a huge struggle and I can honestly say I am at a miserable weight at this point but hopefully thats all about to change as well. I went down and signed up for the YMCA I am hoping to get approved for that and michael and I could do it together! I would LOVE to do that. I def. want to do it without the medication because obviously I just gained the weight back so it was a pointless thing. I have been tanning lately and that makes me feel a little better about myself but not much.

As for work its at the end of tax season and Yeah, well no job again after the season..sorta stress me out but Its something I will have to take one day at a time. I am sure I will find myself back here again crying and trying to keep up with my thoughts. Guess I will check out some of the blogs I have lost out on.