Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Today has been a different story, I left and got a few things done. I was content until I walked in the house. I just feel such an emptness beyong belief. When I am home I start getting depressed and start thinking about what a screwed up situation I have ended up in. I just feel I deserve more then that..I guess he dont feel that way. I guess he feels I deserve to be treated as if I am a No body..This is so frustrating..I feel like I have no one that cares whats going on..The truth is I have not been happy in a very long time, I hang on because I feel so alone and forgotten, I wanna walk away more then anything, I am just scared..maybe of being alone..I am not sure I just know I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Food, I think is... comfort..I use it as a tool I know thats the wrong thing but thats the truth..
Today is cold
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Talk to an old friend tonight wow, it was wild to hear her voice but it was good o know shes doing good. I have missed talking to her..we talked for a long time but it doubtfull I will ever hear from her again..was nice to have someone listen for a minute..
although I am in the house with my husband I feel so alone...I tried talking to him tonight about a job situation but he completely ingored me..kinda like I wasn't even in the room... Its sooo frustrating to deal with that but I will move and and be ok...anyway Guess I will go on My Space and then off to bed
enough about that..My diet..I guess I have done Ok however, when I went over to my mother in laws and got on her scales I noticed it was in the same spot as last week..I would have thought I lost at least a couple pounds but..Ohh well I only can do so much..I mean I am eating right..of course I have my days...just like anyone else struggling with food issues..but for the most part I know I want it bad enough and will do what it takes to make it happen.
I cleaned house today until my back feels really bad..I think alot has to do with the amount of stress I am under...I am jobless, with a man that does not love me & I am not happy with my body as far as weight, hair looksin general...OMG I guess I am rambling bout the same crap...I guess I just never seen my life this way..I have the will power to make things happen..yet there not and I just dont know where I am going wrong...I guess I will jump in the shower and ponder on tha...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Michael and I got intoa hugeee fight last night, I am just sick of him and all he has to offer, he has NOTHING to offer me and I dont need it... Jus too much Drama for me. I guess I will try to enjoy the day until work...it seems weird going to work so late in the day but I enjoyed getting the rest...I am off to the weght Dr maybe today if he is in..I will see...
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
My Job is great, The Mountains on my way to work always seem to make me smile, they were beautiful today with the fog surrounding them. I wish i had time to have a picnic alone with a good book, seems there aren't enough hours in the day.
My Dogs are acting a bit weird, I guess I freaked Luda out yesterday, after cleaning my house all morning long, I had to leave for work..I have been putting her in the kennel ( Inside cage type thing ) anyway, she has a way of escaping ...anyway while at work yesterday she did and got into the trash, after getting home last night, I walked in to the mes she made and just sat in the florr and CRIED and CRIED, she had no idea what was wrong with me, the funny thing is neither did I.. Sad but True when we went to bed she was back to normal however, I felt extremly guilty and still have no earthly idea why I cried over a dog make a mess... Maybe I just needed it because afterwards I felt much better.
I did have time to get my bills fixed for next month and take some "me" time, I am reading a GREAT book..by Valerie Bertinelli " Losing It - and gaining my life back one pound at a time..." wow GREAT book, I can relate to alot of her comments about the FAT thing ha ha..
OK well off and running for the day...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Ok I admitt that I use to HATE so very much getting up earily, but at least it wasn't this earily but somehow I am starting to enjoy my mornings, I have a Long commute, I am in a whole new area, I am learning new things in a wonderful and rewarding position...wow need I say more?? I thought it was amazing that I got such a Great position, Myself..without anyone...wow I am proud of myself...
I admitt I miss my old position as far as people BUT would not trade for anything in the world now...
Got Gas..umm Ok I filled UP for $26 wow thats totally amazing I mean just amazing I was so excited....I mean I am just not use to filling up with that small amount and STILL drive almost more then before...
Eating I did not do that wonderful yesterday considering on th eway out the door I ate a pack of donuts lol BUT its gonna take some time, I do feel I am mentally ready to get geared back up and lose more weight for Summer!!!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
This Jourrnal started as a weight loss journal..I put my all in it BUT after a while I gave up because I felt it was so far out of my reach...I did it for a while but...now its harder... Either way..alot has change..to make a long story short...
I got sick for almost a month straight, I ran into someone from my past that really screwed me up emotionally and I lost my Job. I mean theres more but thats enough for now...
Monday, February 25, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Anyway..emotionally I am a wreck..Eating well a wreck and over all a WRECK> still working two jobs to make it and making myself deal with my situation until I can fix it...
I had a blast from my past and wow...OK I will not go there right now but Its causeing some weird feelings..will explain when I feel I can get out thr right words...
Watching Kilo die in my arms hurt and my heart is wounded...Life is weird right now and I need something to ease my stress but theres no way out at this point and I feel I am stuck in a weird situation...
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
If anybody even reads this.. My dog has Parvo and is dying & I feel I am to blame. anyone who truely knows me, knows this is something that will emotionally destroy me. I am strong yet weak when it comes to someone or something I truely Love. My one nightmare is to have to watch him die slowly and wonder if theres something more I could do to ease his pain and suffering. When should I let go and where do I go when I feel there is no where to run...
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My dad is still staying with me and seems this is a long term thing, I finally got him a bed and the things he needs but he is basicly on his own from this point, I am not there enough to do the things I would like to do for him to make him more comfortable. My house has been pretty calm, Michael has not cause much drama, from what I hear he is doing much better with his problem, which I am happy about...I did however give in to my mom and she and I are now talking..she sent me a oicture the other day and she looks great for her age...I will have to include it in this ... I still feel that I should keep my distance but in a nice way, I guess is the best way to put it.. I will always Love her but, I have to protect myself as well.... I have been big on animal rights because they are trying to put a ban on Pits in several states and it breaks my heart, I love Kilo and feel he makes my world tick...he is the sweetest..ok well I am back to work..
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Hello ..Lord the last few eeks have been a blur, i have been so busy and sick that i have not had time to breath..I am doing a lil better now but will be working60 hrs this week so I will have lil time to even think as a matter of fact I work tomarrow...Well went for my weigh in and was a bit disappointed, just as I figured I had lost very lil, it was not as bad as I thought but still bad considering it has been well over amonth since my last visit, I lost 5 pounds... and thats it...I mean yeah thats good but near as good as it has been, I guess it is better that I lose weight slow but it stresses me a bit. Eating has not really been that bad, I guess just have not been eating enough, tonight I went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and trusth me NOTHING is healthy on that menu!!!!
Kilo, My dog is doing great but has been gettig on my nerves, I wish i had more time to play with him but it seems that I can never sit down long enough..Dad has been going to Ga on the weekends and staying with me through the week...did I say MESSY well he is very messy! ha ha but I gotta love him...Well if I sat here and wrote everything going on I would be here writting a ook but for now I will just say I feel better sick wise and eating is going ok, I am down so i really can't complain and Thats about it...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
anyway..that's whats on my mine..Last night was hard, really hard. I don't think that I have been as miserable in a long time, taking a shower I cried through it...I mean it was bad I ate really good..but I did have to force myself to eat healthy.
This morning when I woke I still felt as bad, like I had not even been asleep, I refused to give details but Michael and I got into a huge fight and he punch "Another" hold in my wall and called me every name he could think of, I don't understand how I could have married a man like this, I don't love him Honestly I don't even know who he is. I try to pretend he is someone I love but, I am just not in love with him. I Think the only reason he has been there this long is because I was scared of never finding anyone to love me. I am such a family type person, I went from having three kids to none in the blink of an eye, I was lonely and scared. This man has never even bought me a gift "Himself" he has never made me feel like I am #1 or never truly"made love" with me, what he has done is made me hate myself, made me wish I was not even alive, made me insecure & miserable. People have ask me for years, well why do you put up with it? Ok well I could give a few reasons but unless you knew what I have been through in my life you would see how scared I am to live it. weight loss is the only thing that has kept me focused, my animals are my life. I feel like Michael robs me of my joy and robs me of what I want out of life, its hurts like hell to know that I have wasted years of my life, I means YEARS being unhappy and all because I am a coward. Divorce...sure I want a Divorce But I want "me" back more then anything. I want to do the things I enjoy, listen to what I want to, and make the best of what time I have left on this earth, I have thought many times about that song.."If tomorrow never comes" just this statement alone makes you think, what if tomorrow never came???
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I think with my personal issues and work things have just started closing in on me, I am having some emotional issues and sometimes that tends to take controld of my eating habits. I assume thats normal for everyone.
I was reading an article about setting "weight" goals for new years resolutions, well it said be realistic goals and create a plan so I am working toward that now. I think one of the best Goals I can have is to watch my porton size, eat grilled at all times over deep fried etc & take away the candy items that tempt me so much. Another goal is exercise, I have got to get a plan togather that includes excerise. Its so cold out now and I don't have time for the gym soo I guess I need to figure out what I can do to get what I need without inconviencing myself. SO see, I feel better today. I have had some great e-mails from people struggling just as I am and people that cares about me that don't even know me and thats a great feeling, Thanks to all of you, I may not have my family support but I have you guys and look what it has done soo far!!!! Look at the weight loss soo we are doing something right...