VERY BAD SAD Day

I am so sad with out him, I feel so lost :( I have cried and cried until I feel I can not cry anymore I am sick with hurt, people who know me understand just how much I love my dogs but, I feel it was something that needed to be done, he was no longer happy here and I am not a person that wants to hold anyone back..I also told my husband about the divorce lawyer and of my plans, Not to mention I am STILL sick and miserable and lonely and just STRESSED in general, I ate right tonight only to check my weight and I am up 3 pounds..God why me, when will I be where I want to be in life, something is missing from my life and I have not found it in 30 years..I am crying inside but all people see is the smile on my face and the job well done, if only they knew how many nights I cried and begged god why he kept me here...why does he allow me to get myself in situations that will only hurt me in the end...I am not sure why but I am just extremely depressed and feel lonely. More then I think I have in so long, my dogs were my everything and I have let two go for different reasons...its hard because sometimes I think I put so much in my dogs because they love me know matter how fat I am or who thinks I am a bitch or whatever...they love me as much as I love them and I allowed myself to get lost again, before with that happen I had them to take my mind off how bad and miserable my life really is, the fact that I am hurting inside yet try to stay strong enough to work and keep my bills up...I can not even tell you one thing right now that makes me smile, I do nothing I enjoy and I am tired of hurting...I feel HUGE although yes it is JUST 3 pounds that just lets me know I am failing at something else...that's what I did not want to go