Sunday, December 26, 2010

a NEW year and a NEW Beginning!

Christmas was well...JUST Christmas....Buying for people you normally don't, spending time with family & STRESS...Food. Well I could go through all the neagtives and positive but I am POSITIVE you don't wanna hear my take on it. It is time for me to ONCE again start my diet and I plan to stick with it this time. I KNOW I say that everytime but this time...I am! Tax seasons almost here and I plan to bury myself in my work and STAY busy so I am going going going until HOPEFULLY my weight will GO AWAY!

I have tried very hard NOT to get depressed during the hoidays, I spent some time with my mom and that was REALLY fun, we mostly took pictures but..We had fun doing it. I can see that the things I do....She does too which is so weird to me..

I am hoping that I can keep my blog going this time, I will not make any promises BUT I will say that I will do my VERY Best!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Divorce is the death of a dream, a dream which reflects who we believed we were
and who we believed we would be in the future.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My Weekend

My weekend went GREAT and believe it or not I am amazed and so proud of myself. I spent Saturday at the Book store, Grocery shopping & just running errands. Then today I went to the library and then to work out..I done my weights..then walked on the tread mill for a FULL hour. I felt GREAT so I check my weight and to my surprise I had lost almost 2 pounds. I have ate pretty good and I am so happy that I have just done my own thing this weekend without getting frustrated. I was reading Ruby Gettingers book and it just inspired me to do good. Thats such a GREAT book! Shes so amazing and has such determination I wish I could think like her lol She has sure came a long way...I know I have to but it surprises me that I am still doing as well as I am. I am just so excited to be where I want to be. I am so tired of being such a PLAIN jane. I want people to say I am beautiful and MEAN it! I want my husband to be jealous of me...I want to buy cloths in the womens instead of the PLUS size..I mean sooo much more...I know it can't be rushed but I wish I
I am not looking forward to this weekend..I mean I DREAD it. I have a event to do this weekend and I just hate it when it throws my weekend off ugggggg anyway guess I better go logg my food :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Beautiful Ride..

I did go work out yesterday although it was so VERY tough..I ate so much and for some reason I have decided that its OK BUt its not so hopefully I am back on Track today. It seems it gets tougher after a while but I will make it, if it kills me! I went for my weigh in and had only lost a couple pounds..I am STILL over 200 and I am getting SOOOO frustrated, I just feel I should be way above that now but for some reason I am moving slowly...I try to remind myself that it will be worth it in the end but..I know its tough...
I think with so much going on in my life right now I am having a hard time just relaxing, I mean I go to the gym almost EVERY day and the stress just seems to linger and MAYBE that's Part of the problem. I hate when things are like this but I know that things will improve with time and dedication. I have not spoken to my mom in over two weeks and believe me, its been hard but I know I done the right thing by letting it much as I love her, I know that she and I will never be "Normal" she will never understand who I am as a "woman" and will NEVER accept me...she seems to be one of those people that feel that you have to be what they want and I am to strong minded for that. I just can't allow myself anymore hurt over it but, is it hard..YES I try to pretend I don't care but she is my mom and in reality...Its harder then I thought to cut ties with the relationship but in my heart I know its best for both of us....I think that it will get easier in time...Hopefully....
My husband and I have been the same...on and ofF and off & on. I feel so FAT around him and sometimes I feel like he wants me to carry the weight, I think in his mind it makes him feel like No one would want me if I stayed fat! UGGG what an ASS!
I am reading a GREAT book, of course one of my wonderful Chic Lit Books! Its GREAT, called "Fat Chance" Whats a GREAT Book... lol I mean I LOVE these Fat girl books, mes me feel like I am not alone on this journey...even if it is FICTION ha ha...Ok gotta get back to work...

Friday, August 13, 2010

Good Morning

So Yesterday was interesting, after a GREAT day without my boss...I went to the gym, I thought it was for an orientation however, it turned out to be VERY encouraging and I meet with a couple of trainers....they gave me a routine that I think I will enjoy. I also learned more information on how to properly use some of the machines. It was GREAT BUT I felt CRAZY because after all this working out I wasn't properly using the machine lol...Whatever Guess I know now..Didn't get home until late. Woke up this morning to Breakfast in bed from my husband which was VERY nice (2 egg whites on toasted bread) Started a new book but can't seem to get into it like I did my last one...Jemma J will be hard to beat...It was such a GREAT book...Guess I better get up and get dressed for work...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

What a Beautiful Ride...

I am seriously SOOO behind however, Mainly because so much has happened in my life the past couple of years sooo I will try to start OVER and keep up with my blog. I have been reading SOOO many and getting all involved in other peoples blogs that I just don't have time sometimes...I finally joined a weight loss journey is on the move again and I am doing better now then I ever thought possible!!! I work out 6 days a week, I have had my job for a long while now and its going GREAT, I have been trying to get a couple negative people out of my life and its working out and I have found the time to sit and read some GREAT Chick Lit novel that's I am excited about...Is life PERFECT..HELL no BUT I am moving in a positive direction which I am very proud of... ONE thing I can say is, life is a spend all your time climbing and climbing TRYING to be what you want, doing things you enjoy and next thing you know your at the top...only to fall again BUT...Thats what makes it interesting... I feel the older I get the STRONGER I get..I have attached a NEW photo of me..When I started this I was back at a CRAZY number..Ok Here we goo....
Diet started (Third Time) on 6/30/2010 - Weight was 228.6 ( Yeahh I know higher then the first time I tried to lose weight!!!!) 7/7/2010 - I was amazed that I was able to STOP MOST of my bad habits ( Eating out, Soft Drinks, Sweets etc ) on 7/7 I lost 9.6 pounds! I was like YES amazing! 7/14- lost 5.6 pounds, Then on 7/21 got disappointed because I only lost 2 POUNDS :( BUT that motivated me to work harder at my goal and on 8/2/2010 I lost 6.6 pounds!!! For those of you keeping up...Thats 21.6 Pounds!!!!! Working out, I mainly do cardio and read chick lit books lol BUT its great... I am really enjoying seeing the progress which makes it worth while to spend 1 hr and a half at the gym a day! Soo I am committed for life as far as I am concerned...There are a couple more changes that need to be made BUT I will get there, I have learned alot about myself this time..I have determination and that's what it takes

Monday, July 5, 2010

Weigh IN

My diet started again on June 30, 2010 I dont remember the exact weight so I will post when I find out tomorrow... I can however say that I have done well on my eating.. I will start with today because I dont remember the other days Lunch/Breakfast Cantaloupe dinner a 210 calorie meal and snack was cucumbers not 1200 calories but close I ate alot of cantaloupe. Anyway I have done VERY well with the weekend.. went to a festival and ate a couple bits off a hot dog and a couple bits of potatoes and that was it!!!!!!!!!!!! Normally I would have went crazy eating!!! I went to the store and as much as I WANTED fatty food ended up getting NOTHING BUT fruit and veggies and LOW calorie meals for my lunch

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Soo seems HE is on a mission again to make me fail, to make me just won't happen...I will do everything in my power to show him, I CAN do what I set out to much as I love him...I love myself even more. I mentioned it to him and he acted like an ass but whatever, I done it one my own without his support last a matter of fact I have done everything in this marriage myself without his support soooo I think I can manage. He has had such a attitude lately and an attitude like I OWE him something, even said something to me that stood out...he said something along the lines that he wanted a woman with good credit, I was like well you found the wrong one with me and he said ohh no I didnt you pay the bills don't you! What tha heck. I was in shock and he played it off like he was joking but he wasn't I am not that dumb BUT KARMA is NO fun and I am just waiting until one day when it hits him that I am OVER it...he doesnt have anyone now to baby him. His mom passed and his grandmother did too...I think he thinks I am his "safe" place BUT...I am TIRED of being his support some point in my life I plan to have a life..I have wanted a family...NOT a ONE SIDED DRAMA filled bunch of bull shit!
As you can see...I am a bit pissy tonight....better get to bed for work...something he dont do!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Took a Long look and.....

OK Soo I am about 240 Pounds..Finally took a LONG look in the mirror and I just dont wanna be this way much longer!!! I can NOT deal with it SOOOO I have made an appointment to once again get the weight off! Can I do it?? who knows, maybe I will do it just to prove people wrong!!! ha ha Thats how I roll LOL!
Things have been hard lately so hard that I haven't taken the time to find myself..I think I have once again lost "Me" If you look back at my post in 2007 you would see I NEED this! I KNow I can do it, its a matter of do I want to look like this forever NO HELL NO I dont and if it takes medication to help me through...well thats what I plan to do! I look MISERABLE I am tired of being PLUS size... NO Cloths...No life just FAT! I am over it and I refuse to stay like this so I VOW from THIS day 6/28 to LOSE the weight again... I am not telling other people...I want to do this for MEEEE I am TIRED of the Fatness..Food is NOT that important to me yet I eat it like its going out of style! So I am on a mission, we will see how far I get ha ha

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Life & Murder?

If you could see inside my heart...You would see right now its broken...Its been a while since I wrote and for a good reason... wel lets say several good reasons but I will touch on the main ones...My Mother in law, whom ment so very much to me passed away, 6 weeks later on May 7th My husbands Grandmother was Murdered in her home. I have went through a series of its been tough to put in words. I went from being scared out of my mind to crying my eyes out. While in court I stared them down and when I left..I just cried that they should no emotion, how could you hit her, shot her and cut her throat and show NO emotion at all!! HOW? I am ANGRY, I am HURT and I am still in shock that something like this could happen...Not only has this taken place but everything else has came about Its a long story and I just cant talk anout it now...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

It will be a Miracle!

Well again I find my self in a screwed up position, I wish that I could get ahold of myself and deal with things before they get worse. I am in a Job that may not last, with a husband that don't love me and my mental illness is out of control NOT to mention I have gained more weight then I ever have..I am sooo worried that I won't make it. Just tired of trying to make everyone else happy. I am am NOT happy with my life right now...I am starting to feel the loneless that I am so custom to. I want a good healthy marriage, I want a FAMILY meaning a child to call my own, I want to lose weight, I dont want to NEED medicine BUT it seems things are not working out that way! I just dont know HOW to change things...truthfully I want to change but HOW? people give me there opnions and I WISH I was strong enough to do all the things they say I should But I can't I am truthfully not strong enough.
Mothers day is coming up and I am taking my mom out to eat, I am hoping that give me a lil time away with someone different but shes always tried to give me her opinion to so I won't even bring michael up so I don't have to hear it. I pray that time will heal mt life but I just don't see it...I went through 10 years of HELL and then I meet someone went through years of hell now just someone else to do the same thing....I am sooo Stress out I hope I can get some peace in my heart at some point, all I want is to find that "peace" that I am looking for with someone who love me for the person I am and who respects me for the things I have been through, that's interested in the same things I am and whose looking for the same things out of life that I am. Someone willing to share responsibilities and who wants something out of life. That will be a miracle I am sure but thats what I am looking for....
No body said it would be easy but its been a rough road will millions of bumps and I want a smooth road at some point one I can remember.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Weird day

well what an amazing movie I watched tonight, it was nice but I could see that it upset michael to get a glimpse of what heaven may be like, It was great! The Lovely bones...just great! Today, It was a weird day I am having a hard time getting use to not working two jobs, just seems like I have so much free time on my hands..guess that could be good BUT you know its wild... My dogs are getting fixed tomarrow and I have to be up earily yet here I sit, I still feel kind of sick and miserable...I am trying to well never mind will write more tomarrow

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My big fat ass!

amazing that I can read back through my post and say, did I write this? Is this how I felt at that point in my life? if soooo WOW is all I can say! so much has changed and I am assuming my feelings about certain situations have changed as well..first thing thats happened...My Mother in Law passes away and boy, that was a world wind of craziness!!!! My husband took it really hard and is still going through the depressing states of it all.
I am STILL working trying to maintain normal life although its tougher then I thought! I have been struggling with my emotions and how I feel about certain things. #1 My husband #2 My big fat ass!!! I mean I am HUGE, fatter then I was when I first started this journal, I have no idea where all the strengh came from then but I LOST it somewhere down the road! NOW, I feel TIRED and HUGE! I went to walk my dog and by the time I got around the park...I was almost dead! I have gotta getta grip before I lose complete control!
WORKS just work, tax season is finally over and I am just working the one job, after work in the afternoons I am like, what??? I am home WTF! ok so I better get back to work, maybe I will start writing again, I use to love it now, its like I dont wanna do anything...SAd!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What got into me???

Ok soo WOW, I went to get a meal, Sat downd stuffed my face with Cooked cabbage, Mac & Cheese, Broc Cassrole, Creamed corn, corn bread and YES Pineapple walnut salad! WOW THEN, I got back to the office...Had not even thought of losing weight, was at the office 10 minutes at the most...jumped in my car and went down to a weight loss clinic...without even thinking twice about it went in! soooo now what? Do I start another diet? Do I continue on FAT and try to pretend I am happy? WHAT should I do??? I think I may give it some thought and well, maybe...JUST Maybe I will loose some weight again...hummm would be nice to get into some of my old cloths that I never even got to wear!

Seems I pick jobs like I pick men!

Hospital visit, working two jobs, very lil soooo tired and sleepy that I could barly hold my head up this morning. Its been a crazy morning, slept until about 10 minutes before times to leave. I am SURE that I need a day off...The hospital visits are Scary! She has tubes everywhere and it make me realize anything can happen at anytime. I can't understand why my husband seems so distant toward her, when he goes to the hospital, its like he has No emotion yet thats his mother on life support, it not only concerns me BUT scares me...What if that were me? would he be emotionless? would he stay at home worring about himself instead of at the hospital? I guess people deal with things differently but, the very thought of getting sick scares me if I am married to him...
Work has been interesting lately, a never ending battle to gain a lil respect! I doubt it will ever happen with the boss that I have now. I do my best YET, thats not good enough...seems to be the story of my life. Seems I pick my jobs like my men! Its crazy! Havent started the meds yet, just way to much going on to deal with a new medication but will soon. Ok soo guess I will get busy with my not so great job!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Wow, its been a while

Sure has been a while since I have wrote on this journal, journaling has always helped me, I can not believe that I was this into living a healthy life, yet I gave it up and now I am back at 220! its nuts.. So much has happened and so much going on that its hard t think about all the wight I have gained. I guess food addiction is harder to treat then I thought. Between working two jobs in management, My home life ( which has changed drastically since I last posted ) My animals & a Mother in law on life support I can barely think much less watch calories & work out. I stay so tired and at times just wanna close my eyes and pretend I am someone else. I have however decided to accept that I have a metal illness and have the medications that I need to maintain a normal life. Guess I will write later I am at work and don't wanna get into trouble...