Thursday, January 24, 2008

Ok so I am behind here

Ok so I am seriously behind but I have GREAT excuse...I am working 40 hrs at my regular job and it happens to be tax season which in turn means I am working morning to night, I am just so tired that its hrad to keep up with heverything that I need to get done. As for eating, I have not done that great mainly because I rarely do I have tiem to eat and when I do, I just need to get as much as I can because that will be the total calories for that day, I am going to get better with this but I need to somehow manage to eat better, or make "time to eat which is what I have very lil of...time. If I could just figure out a way to manage better I would do it...some days I think I may get too much of what I don't need, I have suceeded at eating smaller portons I know..
My dad is still staying with me and seems this is a long term thing, I finally got him a bed and the things he needs but he is basicly on his own from this point, I am not there enough to do the things I would like to do for him to make him more comfortable. My house has been pretty calm, Michael has not cause much drama, from what I hear he is doing much better with his problem, which I am happy about...I did however give in to my mom and she and I are now talking..she sent me a oicture the other day and she looks great for her age...I will have to include it in this ... I still feel that I should keep my distance but in a nice way, I guess is the best way to put it.. I will always Love her but, I have to protect myself as well.... I have been big on animal rights because they are trying to put a ban on Pits in several states and it breaks my heart, I love Kilo and feel he makes my world tick...he is the sweetest..ok well I am back to work..

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Down just 5 pounds :(

Hello ..Lord the last few eeks have been a blur, i have been so busy and sick that i have not had time to breath..I am doing a lil better now but will be working60 hrs this week so I will have lil time to even think as a matter of fact I work tomarrow...Well went for my weigh in and was a bit disappointed, just as I figured I had lost very lil, it was not as bad as I thought but still bad considering it has been well over amonth since my last visit, I lost 5 pounds... and thats it...I mean yeah thats good but near as good as it has been, I guess it is better that I lose weight slow but it stresses me a bit. Eating has not really been that bad, I guess just have not been eating enough, tonight I went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and trusth me NOTHING is healthy on that menu!!!!

Kilo, My dog is doing great but has been gettig on my nerves, I wish i had more time to play with him but it seems that I can never sit down long enough..Dad has been going to Ga on the weekends and staying with me through the week...did I say MESSY well he is very messy! ha ha but I gotta love him...Well if I sat here and wrote everything going on I would be here writting a ook but for now I will just say I feel better sick wise and eating is going ok, I am down so i really can't complain and Thats about it...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Today has been a BAD day, I am tired and sleepy and just feel miserable, I have had this cold for three weeks now and I mean today its really dragging my butt down..this morning I thought it may help if I drank a orange juice but...It didn't I still felt just as bad after I drank it..I am not sure but I know I have been miserable tired! Its hard to sleep for coughing..I have not checked my weight in the past few days just have not felt like doing much of anything except sleep and sleep and sleep.. Thats why I am behind on writing, truthfull I have not done that great at eating right but feel like I iwll be OK, I am not stressing it to much... Ok so I am back its after linch and I had stopped writting because I am sooo sleepy I can hardly hold my eyes open...I am miserable :( anyway will talk later..Jenna

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Opinions are just that..

Well I guess the title says it all...I received a horrible reply to one of my older post, wow did not realize there were such even people in world but, I did not allow it to affect me negatively. I am a much stronger person then that and I am proud that I did not crawl into a hole like they wanted me to. I think it is sad that misery loves company.

Food habits have been pretty Ok, I did get on a scale finally to see if I might have lost any weight and to my surprise I did according to me scales, although I am having a tough time with learning to use them. Its pretty frustrating. I now wish i would have ask for the cheap ones so that it would not have been as complicated to learn. Or maybe I am slow ha ha..emotionally I am feeling somewhat better, stress level seems to be in control and eating habits seems to be getting back on track..I knew I would start doing better, it was just I was tired of the same ole' thing but, my health is very important to me...speaking of I have new insurance starting new weeks and plan to do some stuff like physical, get my teeth cleaned, check about getting my breast lifted and thing going to see if my diabetes has been affected by the weight loss..I got on the scales and according to them I weigh if that's true we are looking at I have lost well over 40 pounds.I got to my weight loss DR. this week so I always use his scales as gospel. I will of course have my weight posted.

My dad is coming to stay with me due to a job that he has in a connecting county, I have to say I am soooo excited, I wish it was forever but, I know he has a life in Ga, I just love to be around him. I know that I will not get to see him much because of my working hours..lets see 8:30-5:30 id my regular job and then my seasonal job (TAXES) is every night til close and weekends..not to mention I have a Dr appointment this week and have to get my breaks will for sure be a BUSY week..

Mom and I are not speaking due to "circumstances" not that that is a HUGE change because she has always been stand offish with me, I have tried my best to get to know her but, she does not understand the true meaning of "mother & daughter" relationship, I mean she is not one of those moms who's like "this is my daughter and no matter what she wants or what she goes through I will be there with her and for her" type. I have never ever been able to rely on her or trust her. I think the trust issues and my consent need to make her happy at my expense has made me open my eyes and realize we can not have a healthy relationship and its best to live our own lives with each other being a part of it. I NEVER thought I would say that but, I guess as we get older we finally start realizing facts. Do I love her, well of course..she will always be my mom but, its not worth it to get my feelings hurt contently and trying way to hard for her, she has enough people catering to her, I won't be one of those - enough on the subject so that I don't get upset, I have things to get done today..

On a better and brighter note..The weather is beautiful..I love the smell of the cold air, i would love to live somewhere like Colorado where is cold all the time...I think its beautiful when you wake and open the door and its so bright that it blinds you..from the frost and God works miracles.

I am off to run some errands but in response to the person who wrote the Post..Thank you for showing me how strong I really am!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

What if tomarrow never came??

Ok well as I figured this divorce is going to be harder then I thought, basically it is like this...Either I make a decision to let go or ruin my life. I have (in the past) always made the wrong decisions and now that I am an adult its time for me to stand up and make a couple that involves what I want. I have been extremely down and depressed, I blamed it on the holidays, then my cold I have had, then the stress of my job now...I think I am seriously "Depressed" crying alot, forgetfulness, not staying focused, staying sleepy, mood changes, withdrawn and not wanting to do anything but work..I am a medical major ( although I don't practice) so I have studied depression and feel I have it. I was trying to remember when I was young I went through a situation where I had to be evaluated, and they said I had " Border line personality disorder " I remember when I was in college I studied it, intensely and wanted to see if I possessed the characteristics that I should if I had this disorder, some were a yes and some were a no BUT I did notice that Depression was part of it.
anyway..that's whats on my mine..Last night was hard, really hard. I don't think that I have been as miserable in a long time, taking a shower I cried through it...I mean it was bad I ate really good..but I did have to force myself to eat healthy.
This morning when I woke I still felt as bad, like I had not even been asleep, I refused to give details but Michael and I got into a huge fight and he punch "Another" hold in my wall and called me every name he could think of, I don't understand how I could have married a man like this, I don't love him Honestly I don't even know who he is. I try to pretend he is someone I love but, I am just not in love with him. I Think the only reason he has been there this long is because I was scared of never finding anyone to love me. I am such a family type person, I went from having three kids to none in the blink of an eye, I was lonely and scared. This man has never even bought me a gift "Himself" he has never made me feel like I am #1 or never truly"made love" with me, what he has done is made me hate myself, made me wish I was not even alive, made me insecure & miserable. People have ask me for years, well why do you put up with it? Ok well I could give a few reasons but unless you knew what I have been through in my life you would see how scared I am to live it. weight loss is the only thing that has kept me focused, my animals are my life. I feel like Michael robs me of my joy and robs me of what I want out of life, its hurts like hell to know that I have wasted years of my life, I means YEARS being unhappy and all because I am a coward. Divorce...sure I want a Divorce But I want "me" back more then anything. I want to do the things I enjoy, listen to what I want to, and make the best of what time I have left on this earth, I have thought many times about that song.."If tomorrow never comes" just this statement alone makes you think, what if tomorrow never came???

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


I am so sad with out him, I feel so lost :( I have cried and cried until I feel I can not cry anymore I am sick with hurt, people who know me understand just how much I love my dogs but, I feel it was something that needed to be done, he was no longer happy here and I am not a person that wants to hold anyone back..I also told my husband about the divorce lawyer and of my plans, Not to mention I am STILL sick and miserable and lonely and just STRESSED in general, I ate right tonight only to check my weight and I am up 3 pounds..God why me, when will I be where I want to be in life, something is missing from my life and I have not found it in 30 years..I am crying inside but all people see is the smile on my face and the job well done, if only they knew how many nights I cried and begged god why he kept me here...why does he allow me to get myself in situations that will only hurt me in the end...I am not sure why but I am just extremely depressed and feel lonely. More then I think I have in so long, my dogs were my everything and I have let two go for different reasons...its hard because sometimes I think I put so much in my dogs because they love me know matter how fat I am or who thinks I am a bitch or whatever...they love me as much as I love them and I allowed myself to get lost again, before with that happen I had them to take my mind off how bad and miserable my life really is, the fact that I am hurting inside yet try to stay strong enough to work and keep my bills up...I can not even tell you one thing right now that makes me smile, I do nothing I enjoy and I am tired of hurting...I feel HUGE although yes it is JUST 3 pounds that just lets me know I am failing at something else...that's what I did not want to go

I feel like a COW!

I have not felt good the past couple of days, just real run down feeling, I am not sure what is going on. Maybe it is because I have not been eating right, yesterday morning I ate a sauage & biscut and a Good lunch but when I got home, AGAIN I was hungry and on impluse I went to Ihop and at a grilled cheese and fries! I just don't know why it is so hard for me to get back on track, I have done it for months now I am messing up all the time, today I done great, at egg whites and apple for breakfast, forced myself to eat 14oz of grilled chicken and Corn ( No butter or salt ) Now I am just stressed about how I plan to do dinner without screwing up royally again... I have felt miserable tired like, I am just to tired move...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Weekend from *&%^%&$

Ok Soo The weekend SURE went fast, It was like Friday I got off work and had to get to bed because I had my second job on Saturday, had to be there at 8am, I work in Taxes and our season looks like it is going to be an interesting one. I am a lil stressed about the amount of hours I will be working but, I will adjust to it, I hope. Eating well I think I done BAD again, mainly because Saturday I had no Breakfast, got to the college and they did not go to lunch until 1pm and I was starving by then. We all decided to go to Olive Garden, well I HAD to eat..I checked out the menu for healthy options but there were very few, I decided on Noodles with NO sauce and salad, lil did I know that their salads are not so healthy BUT I ate up anyway even adding in a bread stick and a half! Shewwww I was HUNGRYY anyway after work it was getting late and mainly all I had was leftovers so about 6pm I decided I was hungry and ate the rest of my noodles ( they had parm cheese & Olive oil on them ) and OMGG a slice of pizza!! I told you it was BAD! It does get worse believe it or not..Ok then Sunday comes and I am feeling Oh so guilty about the whole Pizza ordeal, so I end up eating something worse..Mcdonalds!!! I tell you what my will power is shot all to heck these days, once you get off track it is hard to get going again. I did however try to start fresh today so for lunch I was good, I had cooked mini carrots and greens ( NO greese ) It sems to get harder as you go along, I have not weighed myself in a few days because I am scared of what it might say, I will be going to the DR next week and I will know then what my weight is, thats the main one I go by because I use the same scales everytime I go. I have got to get this doet under control again, you use to could not convience me to eat what all I ate this weekend. wow I have got to get it togather!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Pears, Oranges & Chicken

Done better then normal last night although, it was still to late to eat. After leaving work I was STARVING but, I decided instead of stopping at a fast food joint that I would go to Kroger and get something healthy instead, after walking the whole store for 30 minutes I finally decided on Chicken breast, Pears & Oranges..I have no idea how this combination came about but, its all I could think of. I rushed home to cook and by that time it was 7 o' clock, I dug out tha lean machine and went to work grilling my chicken, No grease, no butter just chicken with a dash of salt and pepper and that's it, I grilled Three breast, 1 for last night and two for my meals today. Needless to say I did not eat until it was bedtime BUT it was healthy, I was still starvingggg after I ate so I grabbed one of the oranges and sliced in 4's and off to bed I went..I fingered it was better to eat the Orange late then go crazy this morning wanting something filling so I tricked myself...when I woke...I was not all that hungry but still forced down a pear for breakfast. I am hoping that the fruit will curve my craving for sweets. It has worked so far soo we will go with it ha ha..This morning has not been all that bad, I love the cold weather! I mean, I love getting all bundled up in cute jackets and gloves and all :) Anyway..for the most part things have been pretty quite, the lady that owns my land came down with her lil girl and chatted for a bit and I played with Kilo & sammie for a while and that was my whole night OHH and don't forget the chicken! Ha so I guess I done pretty good..I have not weighed myself because I am scared that I will start obsessing again and that's all I need lol

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Ok FINALLY on the right track again

I woke this morning to the Freezing cold, I had to let the doggy potty and I was sooo cold, I checke dthe weather and wowww wee we are down in the teens with a chill factor of single digits...I LOVEE the cold weather but wow, it was a shocker to my body. Anyway on a better note, I decided not to weigh myself this morning or this week for that matter. It seemed It didn't bother me to wait until my monthly visit to the weight loss clinic..I didn't get near as frustrated. This morning I have have gotten up with a postive attitude, I ate a healthy breakfast of Fresh fruit (pineapple, mango, grapes) and I did drink a V8 Splash but I have not drank even half of it yet, I got out the good old rice cakes and left ALL sweets out of my view! I didn't even bring any in fear that I would indulge in them... I think for lunch I will go back to my grilled chicken as I use to eat all the time. I think that I am ready to move on and get past this negativity, I just get so frustrated at myself because I know I can do it, look how much I have lost up until the holidays.

I think with my personal issues and work things have just started closing in on me, I am having some emotional issues and sometimes that tends to take controld of my eating habits. I assume thats normal for everyone.
I was reading an article about setting "weight" goals for new years resolutions, well it said be realistic goals and create a plan so I am working toward that now. I think one of the best Goals I can have is to watch my porton size, eat grilled at all times over deep fried etc & take away the candy items that tempt me so much. Another goal is exercise, I have got to get a plan togather that includes excerise. Its so cold out now and I don't have time for the gym soo I guess I need to figure out what I can do to get what I need without inconviencing myself. SO see, I feel better today. I have had some great e-mails from people struggling just as I am and people that cares about me that don't even know me and thats a great feeling, Thanks to all of you, I may not have my family support but I have you guys and look what it has done soo far!!!! Look at the weight loss soo we are doing something right...

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Ok All I can say is WOW

Ok tonight, I was online...and I checked my mail and I got this response to my Blog that touched me, I just have to share it with you..

has left a new comment on your post "Ok Heres the scoop": Hi there. Hope I'm not being too forward here, I'm Boss. I just happened to come across your blog surfing :-).I wanted to say I felt what you wrote in this post. I really and genuinely admire your courage to write such hard personal things, and I felt it not from a personal standpoint, but because I've seen this written before, and I reognise the situation you're in.People who have goals, and no one seems to notice or understand, or seems to appreciate the difficulty you as the individual goes through, in a situation like yours.I suppose nobody truly knows what another person goes through in life, as they are not them, even if they share similar pasts.I wouldn't dream of giving you a tonne of pity, as that's not my right, and I believe you as an individual, are worth more than some stranger coming here and pitying you, or talking to you like you're damaged goods, as I honestly don't think that for a moment.I realise your situation is very hard, and I won't pretend to know what it's like, but right now, I do truly believe you are worth so, so much, not just to yourself, but others and this world.You have a right to achieve, succeed, feel like a complete woman, and have a confident mastery of your own life.You have a right to do this, and feel special in your own way, and I can see you're not a person that is second best, you're someone who must clearly have a lot of human value, and maybe others around you don't see it, but it's clear you're not someone who is bad or gone off the rails, you're just someone who in my eyes is trying hard, and wants to be respected for it, and have it understood.I've seen people like you tell this kind of tale before, and it makes me feel a lttle unhappy that many others can't see the person I think you are inside, and the person I believe you can become physically, emotionally and mentally.I think there's so much more to you too, and I think you really and truly should be very, very proud of wanting to make this change now, and it doesn't matter about not trying before, or what happened over Chrsitmas, you're still young, and that Christmas blip is nothing at all, I can tell you that many have been there, and many have overcome a few festive lbs, and I believe you CAN overome too :-).I am writing this not just to say hay there's another person out there, that sees you for what you are and can be, when many don't, but because your recent comment, touched a nerve with me, and I see someone who is deserving of so much, but yet gets less than she should, and none of that is your fault, it truly isn't, it's other people not seeing someone like you, for the person you are and deserve to be.The fact you are trying to love yourself so much, is to me, a wonderful thing, which as I said you should be so proud of. It shows what sort of Heart you have, to love and care for yourself this much, and that you must be a pretty strong character, (even if you don't see it), to keep on, and not fold, when you have very few people who care what you're doing.You get a lot of plaudits for that from me, I think your determination in adversity so to speak is inspiring, and I admire your continuing efforts a lot.I think you have quite a way to go, but I think you also have the right mental, emotional and physical qualities, to spread your wings and fly, and I really want to tell you, I hope you get everything in life you are looking for right now.I don't know if this will help or not, but I have a messageboard I run to help, support and advise people with differing physical goals.I would be delighted to have you come and check it out some time. You will always be welcome, and there's some good knowledgeable people, quite a few ladies there too, who I'm sure will help you to feel at home :-).My site is called Steelmuscle, and you can find it on my blog.If you want to stop by the messageboard anytime, please do, and if not, sincerely no worries at all, but I'll finish by saying, don't ever stop loving yourself like you're doing, (I think overall you're doing superbly), and never stop believing in yourself, or fear yourself. You have nothing to lose and plenty to gain, and I certainly think you as a person are worth the time, effort, and love you put into yourself, so keep going, be strong, chin up, GOOD LUCK, and very, very best wishes to you.With much respect.

I do not think I have ever had someone to say those things to me, wow my heart smiled for once in a LONGGG time, I mean it really made me feel good.

I guess I will talk about what a screw up I am reallll quick..Ok I came home and ATE BADLY again then after read this I felt sooo Guilty, I am starting to reallt stress out over this, its like the food is taking controle of me AGAIN!!! I can not allow this to happen..I have to be stronger then that I hope I am but I have my doubts..

The Pit is driving me CRAZYYY for those who do not know what a Pitbull puppy is will NEVERRRR understand, he consently plays and trys to make you laugh. He thinks it is funny that he is driving me soo crazy...God I love him ha ha haHe is the best lil guy ever...well I need to get ready for bed..

Ok Heres the scoop

We will start with this, Ok I have Done EXTREMLY bad with eating and exercise and everything in general, I am so assamed of myself, I planned to get new years started on the right track but have filed miserably, I guess its been a mixture of the partys, holidays, stress and just everything!! I weigh myself daily and to be honest, my weight is down from my last Dr visit HOWEVER, its stayed the same now for two weeks, so i guess you can say I am JUST maintaining and thats not where I am in this journey, I want to continue LOSING until my goal is met! Starting today I am planning to make some eating changes, I have GOT to log my food and water intake and I am checking into a treadmill & excercise bike, It is just something I NEED badly because of the lack of exercise I get. New Years was just that..BAD I Drank, ate cheeseballs, summer sauage and you name it, if it was BAD I decided to splurge!!!! Well, even after that I went to a BUFFET my first time since my diet and ended up sick! Miserable sick...I have cried and been so upset over this, people just don't see that I am killing myself inside. I am putting myself down and feel unloved and unrespected and you name it I feel it, I have thought about logging on and just pouring my heart out on my blog BUT I can't or I won't! I am abusing mybody by taking laxitives because I get so upset that I ate what I did..It has to stop and I know I have the self control to do it, it is just getting off my ass and doing it! I deserve it and I am going to get what I want out of life. To be healthy is what I want, to get older knowinging that I done everything I could to stay healthy & happy so that I can say that after 30 I had a wonderful life...AFTER 30 lol ...As you can see this has been very hard for me, with no support and so much stress, it takes a toll on you and its hard to maintain a normal life and eat healthy and all that. I miss logging my food and eating healthy, I find myself slipping back into a BAD routine and the only person that gives a damn is me... I will get it togather TODAY...