Monday, February 25, 2008

Wow life is crazy

wow life has changed so much for me and it seems more and more I think I might be driving myself crazy, always to one extreme or another...I always have my fight face on yet inside its raining. Its kinda nuts, for one person to struggle so much emotional is nuts but I keep telling myself I am half way there, I am half way there and soon I am sure..I will say I am finally there...I was reading through some blogs today and came accross on that touched me...inspired me to get off my ass and do some writing, it always helped before...soo it should still help. anyway I will post it in my favorites I assume...I have been working 7 days a week 70 hours a week, its just too much sometimes...Luda is good and I now have pups that seem to be ok but with what I went through with kilo, I wanna make sure so I will be getting shots this afternoon just to make sure

Saturday, February 9, 2008

man ole man how things can change in the blink of an eye

Ok well So much has changed where do I begin..My kilo passed the rainbow bridge and wow it was hard, I never knew that I would be so attached to a dog but he was a special dog one that has been with me through a rough time soo I am haoping and praything I made the right decicision..I got another dog today..Her name is Luda and a very special angel she is..I have been bonding great with her and wow what a wonderful Loving dog... I went to the shelter and would have LOVED to take home a few of them but for right now felt I better stick with one that I can bond with..she seems to have a hard past and I can relate with her on that level and she is extremly scared which..I am there with her on thet one she is..This is Luda... Beautiful huh and I feel Kilo sent her from heaven... wow I like her already...ha ha Shes does not seem to like Michael much and keeps a close eye on him...ha ha Can you say ATTACK!!! ha ha
Anyway..emotionally I am a wreck..Eating well a wreck and over all a WRECK> still working two jobs to make it and making myself deal with my situation until I can fix it...

I had a blast from my past and wow...OK I will not go there right now but Its causeing some weird feelings..will explain when I feel I can get out thr right words...

Watching Kilo die in my arms hurt and my heart is wounded...Life is weird right now and I need something to ease my stress but theres no way out at this point and I feel I am stuck in a weird situation...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


He may have a chance..I just talk to michael who taked to a vet thats willing to put Kil on Iv and admitt him, which gives him a better chance at survival...He will go this afternoon... LORD please let this work...I love him so much

my one nightmare

I feel so totally sick...I have cried until tears are no long there and I feel completely numb inside. My heart aches and I just don't know what to do right now, It seems I am walking around and breathing yet not even living...I can not think about anything but him and the pain he is in, the heartache he must be feeling to have to leave his family, knowing that with every breathe he takes he is dying. I do not want to be selfish but, I don't want to not give him a chance. I see and believe it or not feel his pain, its sorta like a child, I feel his emotions..and I know he knows I love him. Sunday night when he looked at me I cried because I could see his misery. I am so lost and feel so alone in this. Michael is there and I hear him talking and I may even answer but feel almost dead like inside. I am not sure if I am suppose to feel this way and feel sorta silly that I am dealing with such depression over a dog. Not that I think he is "just a dog" to me, I fell like I have lost a part of my family. I am so attached to him and love him so very much. I think it is a mixture of emotions thats causing the depression and sleep loss. I am struggling daily to keep myself movated and going. I just don't know what to do...I am confussed and feel I have went the wrong way to many times. I am scared of making a decison I will regret in the long run. anyway..
If anybody even reads this.. My dog has Parvo and is dying & I feel I am to blame. anyone who truely knows me, knows this is something that will emotionally destroy me. I am strong yet weak when it comes to someone or something I truely Love. My one nightmare is to have to watch him die slowly and wonder if theres something more I could do to ease his pain and suffering. When should I let go and where do I go when I feel there is no where to run...