My Weekend

My weekend went GREAT and believe it or not I am amazed and so proud of myself. I spent Saturday at the Book store, Grocery shopping & just running errands. Then today I went to the library and then to work out..I done my weights..then walked on the tread mill for a FULL hour. I felt GREAT so I check my weight and to my surprise I had lost almost 2 pounds. I have ate pretty good and I am so happy that I have just done my own thing this weekend without getting frustrated. I was reading Ruby Gettingers book and it just inspired me to do good. Thats such a GREAT book! Shes so amazing and has such determination I wish I could think like her lol She has sure came a long way...I know I have to but it surprises me that I am still doing as well as I am. I am just so excited to be where I want to be. I am so tired of being such a PLAIN jane. I want people to say I am beautiful and MEAN it! I want my husband to be jealous of me...I want to buy cloths in the womens instead of the PLUS size..I mean sooo much more...I know it can't be rushed but I wish I could...lol.

I am not looking forward to this weekend..I mean I DREAD it. I have a event to do this weekend and I just hate it when it throws my weekend off ugggggg anyway guess I better go logg my food :)

Beautiful Ride..

I did go work out yesterday although it was so VERY tough..I ate so much and for some reason I have decided that its OK BUt its not so hopefully I am back on Track today. It seems it gets tougher after a while but I will make it, if it kills me! I went for my weigh in and had only lost a couple pounds..I am STILL over 200 and I am getting SOOOO frustrated, I just feel I should be way above that now but for some reason I am moving slowly...I try to remind myself that it will be worth it in the end but..I know its tough...
I think with so much going on in my life right now I am having a hard time just relaxing, I mean I go to the gym almost EVERY day and the stress just seems to linger and MAYBE that's Part of the problem. I hate when things are like this but I know that things will improve with time and dedication. I have not spoken to my mom in over two weeks and believe me, its been hard but I know I done the right thing by letting it go..as much as I love her, I know that she and I will never be "Normal" she will never understand who I am as a "woman" and will NEVER accept me...she seems to be one of those people that feel that you have to be what they want and I am to strong minded for that. I just can't allow myself anymore hurt over it but, is it hard..YES I try to pretend I don't care but she is my mom and in reality...Its harder then I thought to cut ties with the relationship but in my heart I know its best for both of us....I think that it will get easier in time...Hopefully....
My husband and I have been the same...on and ofF and off & on. I feel so FAT around him and sometimes I feel like he wants me to carry the weight, I think in his mind it makes him feel like No one would want me if I stayed fat! UGGG what an ASS!
I am reading a GREAT book, of course one of my wonderful Chic Lit Books! Its GREAT, called "Fat Chance" Whats a GREAT Book... lol I mean I LOVE these Fat girl books, mes me feel like I am not alone on this journey...even if it is FICTION ha ha...Ok gotta get back to work...

Baby Shower

Was Great, Good I done...pretty good...I hate a Chicken Croissent, a ham in a blanket, two strawberrys, watermelon, Veggies & a small bit of dip & Yes I slerged a bit and ate some of a cheese ball with veggie crackers..I REALLY wanted ummm chips, dips, meatballs AND seconds lol but I think I done good...I got a baby in a blanket Cupcake but did not eat it, I am taking it home to michael. I have noticed I am still extremly hungry but I think thats because I was around so much food that I liked. I did call the Dr about me being so hungry, they feel I am not eating enough...humm I am doing the best I can BUT I have a hrad time eating smaller meals throughout the day, I think she said 4 meals through the day..I only do two meals through the day...She did however say tha they had time realeased ones that I might want to give a try...I did not tell him that I had PCOS (Poly Cystic Overy Sydrome) I may need something a bit stronger..I will talk to him about it on my next visit which is on the 27th. I am not sure about the other pill that he has, I will have to see what kind of side affects it has...I just hope that this don't act this way all during the month, Yes I think that I CAN do it with out the meds but the meds is what makes me think I am not hungry, Its all in the brain. Like right now, I feel like I am starving BUT I am not..I just "KNOW" there is food in reaching distance that I really like..so instead of staying down there chatting, I came back to my office ( Bringing a Strawberry and some veggie crackers & Cheese ) sooo...anyway...enough on that I assume..I guess I done pretty good and I am patting myself on the back! Yeahhhhhhhhh...Now back to work I guess ekk


2.01PM UPDATE since this post

OK OK I admit, I ate a lil more ha ha BUT, Its one day, It will be fine :) We can't get to serious about this diet or it won't be fun :) I have a plate fore later to..OHHH Lord ha ha, I did get Pictures will share maybe tonight .....

Baby Shower almost here...

OK for some unknown reason I am starving...I normally dont get hungry in the mornings..well it is 11:00 but I am hungry, I was reading on the website of the meds that after a while you start to get hungry again...Surely I am not use to them already??? I took it at 7:30am and its 11:00 Thats not long, I wonder if I am just not eating enough??? could that be the reason for it?? Well Heathers baby shower is in an hour, there will be lots of food there, I want to eat BUT I want to be careful that I dont intake all my calories at one time...I will update you on that situation this afternoon...I think I may call over and speak with anurse about the hunger feelings...Be back later

Nighty Night

Not a Very good day today, as far as my diet goes, I done pretty good there but, the day seem to just go on and on, and when I got home had to listen to michael bad mouth my diet...I think that I might just lay down earily tonight..The dogs are ok, as far as dinner, I had a can of soup and 6 cracker, drank water of course...I guess its just been to long of a day for me...Funny when people seeing you starting to do good they come out, got a note from umm lets just say and old friend...instead of wishing me luck on my diet she was more concerned about me being "unhappy" Let me make this clear to anyone who reads this Blog...#1 I am FAR from un-happy, TRUE I am not happy with the situation with my husband and I, everybody knows that & True I am not happy at my current weight, however I have peace inside, I can do this with or with out support...I am a strong woman who knows what she wants, I want to live a healther lifestyle and sure, that will take some time BUT I am willing to put into it what I have to...My weight loss has NOTHING to do with my husband or anyone else...It has to do with doing something for myself that will make me a healthier and in the end I will be a much happier person. My siatuation will not always be like this, I have made change this far I am sure that I will continue to change, and change what I have to along the way...if that makes sense. I just feel there is a time for everything and until then I will just make myself happy..I am sorry that I am rambling on, it just upset me & hurt me.

Monday Morning..

Ok For Starters I will say this...I think I might have ate over my 1200 calories yesterday, I am not sure but I ate..Lunch Hotdog ( YES I know I know... ) anyway moving along Dinner...I ate a Chiken wrap with Lettuce, and a Fruit and walnut salad...and Last night for some un known reason I was STARVINGGG soo I went down to walgreens @ 9:00 at night and bought HEALTHY Trail mix (200 Calories) I think That might have been what threw me over the 1200 calories but I am not sure...I know that yesterday seem to drag on and drag on..I cleaned the house, done laundry and mainly read. (Both a Mag & The internet)

I did however find out that I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year for Both familys which makes me a lil nervious..I am extremely nervious about this...#1 because I can NOT stand Michaels family, they always seem to have something bad to say, I am sure they will find fault in the meal, #2 because I would like to think I can control my eating on that day BUT, it is Thanksgiving dinner (which mind you has always been my VERY favorite holiday, mainly because of the food) so I am not sure how this will turn out...I know that I have made the decision to "Take it one day at a time" and leave room for a few mistakes along the way...Holidays are a bad time for this...BUT I will do it...

As far as the meds go...Like i said...I did find myself a lil hungry last night which concerned me..BUT I did sleep better last night, without waking up...This morning I felt a lil more tired then I have in the past week...I decided that I would wait until I got to work to take my medicine..I had leg cramps all morning and not sure if they can be linked...

I did get a Post this morning on my blog which I was happy about...The main reason that makes me happy is I am finding more and more people that understand what I am going through...more then I thought..I love reading their journeys. I see that other people are in a struggle as well and that helps me know that I am not totally alone in this battle. Life is hard but when you add the extras in there sometimes it seems to get harder...My first FULL week will be tomarrow!!!!

MY First weekend On my diet..

Well I think I have done AWSOME, My mom wrote me a letter of concern about my diet and I responded, I would LIke to show EVERYONE how strong this is making me, I felt better having someone to listen to me, its my true feelings from my heart..

This is her letter:

you have to be good to yourself-don't beat yourself up if it does not go as fast as you want it to- the slower you lose it, the longer it will stay off-I am glad you are doing good on it- just be careful not to put your body in a lot of stress-you will feel better with less weight and feel better about yourself- you will feel beau-ty-full...........I loved that bar thing you gave me-I eat one of those kinds of things about 9-10 every morning- or some kind of snack-hunger strikes about that time-I love the energy bars and some of them seem to work well- kinda expensive though- I love the Ensure but, it is real high in calories but....... it is to help one maintain their weight or help gain weight-I don't need them anymore-menopause is taking care of all of that-you do not want to be over weight when you get to menopause age-----because it causes you to gain then one would really be in a mess- to much fat around the heart causes a lot of problems---KILLS
I get worried when I see one getting bigger&bigger because I know how Mom had to suffer with all of that mess-she was miserable- but she had high blood pressure so they would not let her have diet meds plus she was very diabetic- was going to have to go on the shots, but died the month before the shots were to start- so just be careful with all that whole situation-

MY Response:

I am not losing weight to be "Skinny" I am losing weight to feel better, I have gain and gained and it has gotten out of control, I am training my self that everything is not fee game ( Snacks) I should have started this long ago but, it is a Hard and depression to start...I have done great, its kind of like an drug addict, you have to take it one day at a time, and that's the way I am looking at it. I guess the Pills did give me a jump start but they work great and assist in helping me deal with the "hunger" part of it, I have NO systems from them EXCEPT I feel better, like I have more energy...and they work in controlling the Food Cravings..I am diabetic and don't need ANYTHING sweet anyway and what I like about them is they STOP COMPLETELY the craving for SWEET foods....That's what I needed...Now that I am "paying for the pills, I try harder because you don't wanna waste money. I am getting my calories in by drinking slim fast, I have to MAKE myself eat sometimes but that's good because I eat less in portion size...you know ..LIKE OK for example : I use to go to McDonalds couldn't help but get a fry if nothing else BUT now...Michael ate there the other night and I got NOTHING I came home and ate a soup..I felt SOOOO much better...Then another example we went to Shoneys Friday night, Michael OF COURSE got the bar, JUST as I ALWAYS did BUT instead..I got the Veggie bar and ate only 3 veggies in small portions and ate a Healthy small ( VERY lil NON fat Dressing ) salad..soo see..I am NOT starving myself, just eating Healthier and paying attention to details that I normally don't...I know people are against The medication to help but in my mind, which that is all it is...I NEED assistance with then med's, and it is working, Its making Me "think" before just grabbing ONE LIL BITE that normally I would think wouldn't count. I am 32 and 5'1 and weigh 180, thats NOT healthy...see what I mean..

I get NO support from Michael at all, BUT I don't care what he says..I am doing this and him not giving me support makes me want it more because it shows me he don't want me to be happy and I will do what it takes to be Happy and Healthy. If he don't want me to have it I will do it no matter what lol...sooo That's the story on that, I am keeping an online food journal, If anyone is interested in the outcome...I have friends online going through the same thing..so that helps...Yeah it would be easier if I had people to in courage me BUT I am not doing t for People I am doing it for me and to help me have a brighter future and not be so down on myself...I DO still have BAD days where I feel like I can't do it BUT, I will deal with it ONE day at a time.

I just want HEATHY habits ya know...Like when I stop taking the medication, which I will I want to eat the same as I am now so I can KEEP the weight off...

Now see your lil girl is growing up..I promise..

Love U and Hope we get out and do something this weekend...

Jenna

I Think I said everything I wanted to say...Friday I done GREAT even after I left work..We went to Shoneys and Even though I normally get the Bar, I decided against it and got a salad and Veggies, I Drank TWO HUGE glasses of water with lemon and called it a night..NOW Saturday I don't think I wold call this GOOD BUT, I Was not hungry all day, I MADE myself eat a half a soup...SOO Thats not good that i did not get my nutritons in but last night I decided that I can't do that so i went to walmart and bought Two baoxes of Slim Fast and some nutrition Bars that are only 90 calories and some yogert, that way when I am NOT hungry and I have to make myself eat, It will be something that will be nurtitious and all that...soo That was Saturday, it is now Earily Sunday morning, I ave took my medicine and I am not hungry so I have not ate...

As far as symptions, I have not really had any, I do have dry mouth alot but that makes you drink more water and I did sleep last night sooo...I guess I can say so far GOOD things