Down 23 pounds since I started my Diet!

I know I know I have not wrote in what seems like ages, It seem like when I came back from Christmas there was always something going on that I was dealing with so I have neglected myself a bit BUT now its time for me to get started back on my journey once again, For my New Years resolution I plan to stick with my diet..I have not done that bad but I have not ate as healthy as I should have...I knew Christmas would be much harder on me simply because I have too much time on my hands, I am at home and home is not good for me because it seems that is when I wanna eat and eat.. Christmas went better then expected, I have a fun time laughing with family but I was STILL sick and could barely talk even then..I am STILL sick! I have another long weekend so hopefully this weekend will be much better. I have so much I have not talked about that has happened, I am not sure where to start..Ok I no longer has Sassy, she is now living with my Mother in law, however I do have a new Pitbull puppy named Kilo, here he is..I have been spending alot of time reading up on the breed so I will know what to expect. He has brought alot of smiles this past week and I know he will be a wonderful Dog.
My dad is having some major problems and decided not to come for Christmas which did not make me Very happy, I was kind of upset with him and I think I may have hurt his feelings. I just get tired of people thinking I will put up with anything, he is out of work and it has stressed me to no end worring about him! I mean I wish he would get it togather! I did see my mom and got a few GREAT gifts from her, I did get the scales I wanted, problem is they have so much stuff on them I am having a hard time learning how to use the darn things. I love them..

Christmas day because I was so miserable sick, I did not eat but made up for the day afterwards by bring a whole meal in tupperware bowls..It was pretty good but I felt so guilty afterwards. I can see the weight coming off now but I feel like I am so ugly because things are starting to sag lol but I would rather have some saggy skin then fat...well i am getting ready to leave but wanted to write to get myself started...
Jenna

Today I feel much better

This cold has really had me down but when i got up this morning, I felt so much better..I was hoping not to be sick during the holidays. Most of our attention has been focused on Keno which is our new Pitbull, he is such a swee doggy but hard to care for as he has to have content supervision. I still have some last minute Christmas shopping to do and just dont have time for this ya know he is Beautiful! I will of course share a photo of him...

Can't talk

I am miserable sick and can hardly talk and when I do I feel like I wanna cry :( I am seriously sick....OK I am done :) I don't even feel like talking on here

OK IMPORTANT UPDATE!!!

I have lost not 7 BUT 11 pounds, I just re counted!!!!! OMGGG I am sooo excited!!!!! I did not realize I had lost that much but I have lost a total of 23 pounds since 10/30/2007! I am proud of me....wow! I will be skinny for you know it! ha ha

Down 7 Pounds!!!

Hello, wow I am really behind on my journal, I am usually so good about these things but as you see I am slacking...I have had so much going on BUT In the middle of it all..I went to the Dr and I am down 7 more pounds!!! wow I am soo excited..for those of you that aren't keeping up...I have lost a total of 23 sticks of butter so far! Wow I am just amazed and very proud of myself for this! I mean I never thought I had the will power to do it but, I am! And I will continue to keep on until I reach my goal weight, no matter who trys to stop it...I went to our office party at my bosses house and wow, It was great fun...we done Gag gifts and played "dirty" santa..Its funny I hate ELVIS and ended up with some elvis playing cards and a dart thing where you throw pigs lol it was soo funny..I have some pictures to share of course..Ok This was the food and YES I did eat everything that was there even chips BUT REMEMBER..its christmas :) This is me & a Co worker, Heather. I think I look so huge in this picture! I mean just HUGEEEEEE ok I am over that now lol but, I do feel like I look huge..Lord shes preggy and I look bigger then her!!!

Ok Now for other news, I went on my trip..it was kind of and anniversary thingy..Ok I have some pictures of me ...I LOVEEEE Christmas and believe it or not this was a great time..We went to the lodge...Ice skating and playing in the snow..wow I love the lodge!!!! OK OK I will get to the pictures already..lol OKOK This is ME In the snow!!! Yeahh I Loved it loved it loved it! OK NOWWW I look skinny!!!!!and I just had to turn a lil sideways so you could see I lost weight :) I told you I was having a blast!!!! I sure feel it today too, I am sooo sick and sore and MISERABLE!!!!! I took a hand full of meds to turn to come to work and maintain! Now as for how things went with my husband and I, well Ok after I returned..He decided I should be doing something with him..hummm ok whatever anyway so we went ice skating in Gatlinburg and looked at lights..of course I didn't get a gift, not even a card But hey...I would have more surprised if he got one ya know...I just tired to have a good day off...We did take a picture togather and I think I look sooo different in it... I just kept staring at it...couldn't believe my face looked so small or something lol...you know I have to share that one....I got a e-mail from my blog the other day from a girl named michelle, I was like wow how nice it was to know someone read and it touched them enough to write me...it was a wonderful feeling Ok I gotta run...But I am here :)

Wow BUSY shopping weekend!

Christmas shopping was...a challege! I spent my whole weekend not even thinking about food but thinking of shopping and trying to get things in order for Christmas dinner..I am excited for people to get there gifts. I Know what some things that my mom got me are...A weight scale! YES what I wanted...& a steamer lol YESSSSSSSSS just some of the things I was wishin for he he, I just happen to show up before she got them wrapped! ha ha While shopping ran into an ex...ekkkk was not that happy to see them...left on bad terms and Honestly glad its been OVER ha ha I am glad that I had lost some weight before I seen them! ha ha ANYWAY..Today is my anniversary, not that I will get anything BUT it is...We were married in Georgia in a small town called Blueridge, GA Was I happy?? Now that I look back..not really! Sad to say but I think I mostly married because I felt like nobody else would have me..I didn't wanna die alone but..Lil did I know the complete hell I would go through, the late nights crying, the fighting and fussing. The Physical & Mental abuse..and the Emotional roller coaster I would be on! I can not remember a time in our marriage that I can say I "enjoyed" I mean don't get me wrong I have had good and bad days, some days he and I have gotten along, I know I loved him so much in the beginning but, after so many restless nights the love died. I have some scars emotionallt from him that I don't forgive and thats hard. I know that there is life out there and my brused heart will heal in time...I should have held on to my pride, but I guess he got what he wanted..I have few friends and I have shut out many over him. I am not sure, but I think Time can heal a heart..One day I will be able to hold my head up and feel strong.

Managed my eating pretty well considering the stress I have been under I hope that Christmas don't blow it..

Finally Friday!!!

Wow it is FINALLY friday boyyy I have waited all week for Friday to come lol Ok so I done Great at eating today and done just BAD at drinking water, I am having a hard time in that department! Last night I DID eat Ham!!!! I couldn't help it and it was sooo Good...you have to enjoy yourself sometimes...well This week is going to be a VERY VERY busy week, My anniversary is Monday, I have a Christmas party that day and I am taking off Tuesday for Vaction day..Then I have an Dr oppintment and another appointment on Wedesday and WOW its going to be a CRAZYYY week! Its NUTS! I have felt fine but my LIp hurts, I have a Fever Blister :(

Today ~ Better!

Today has been much better, I have mainly played online most of the day, trying to shop for good deals, ran accross a couple of them for Christmas..Eating Ok Yesterday for lunch I had a piece of grilled chicken and a small healthy salad..ate a rice cake for a snack and for dinner umm let me think..I went to my Mother in laws and ate some Ham & I think a couple of bites of a potato... not very good dinner but I know I did not go over my calories yesterday, This morning for breakfast I ate a Rice cake. I got the two books I wanted the other day called "the biggest Loser workout and diet book" and I bought the calorie counter. Its a pretty interesting book so far. For some reason I feel so FAT and huge and was feeling like I had maybe lost some more weight but now, I just don't see it, I think I might have gotten depressed when I went to try on my old jeans and they fit :( I didn't want them to fit...It was SAD But, the next day I made a point to wear the smaller ones that I can fit in as well..My dogs Christmas pictures turned out so well that I made a scrap book of them, and got a copy of all of them...Here is a couple of them..See I told you they are sooo pretty, I have more that have all three of them but I am at work and this is a few I put on for my screensaver.

Michael has not been that bad lately. My anniversary is Monday..Not sure what that day will bring just yet, I know next week will be a busy week..at work very lil but Monday I an attending a party at my boss's house and then taking a vaction day tuesday..wed. is my monthly appointment with Julie and Thursday is WEIGH IN!! so we will see how I deal with all that stress and eating right as well..Might be hard but I need to stay in control of myself..Thats important to me...Well Thats a small recap of me and my crazy life...

OK, It was a bad day...

Ok so Yesterday and the day beofr was just BAD, I mean I can't express how bad I felt yesterday, I was completely miserable and so sleepy, I am not sure what I took that made me so sleepy but it was miserable and I had such a long day, was at work all day then had class so It was bad...eating was ok I guess, I did have to eat a snack last night because I got hungry but I was good and ate egg beaters, I love them anyway...I have gotten so bad about logging food but I can assure you I am doing ..OK maybe not great, my main problem is not eating enough...I am trying to get better. Hope to have lost some weight this month, we will see...

Weekends WHY I HATE them!

OK When I am at work, I have better self control...which means ok weekends I always end up messing up some how, also..I am away from The drama that I love with and I don't have people asking for my help when I have so much to do myself...speaking of my Mother in Law of course, since her surgry I have moved her, unpacked her, cleaned her house, helped her dress herself & feed her...wow it was just hand surgry..on one hand...I spent my whole weekend trying to make everyone else happy and it seems that happens alot..I am consently doing whatever everyone wants and I neglect to get what I need to do, done...Eating Saturday was not too bad, I mean I ate egg beaters and whole wheet toast with promise, That afternoon...I ate Subway a 6 inch turkey BUT I messed up and put pil and olives on it ohh and cheese!!! Why I don't even know...I just said it before I thought about it...Now SUNDAY was BADDD eating waise...well the whole day in general was bad..anyway I cooked what she ask me to..sloppy joes & fried green tomatos! well of course I ate a sandwich and two of the tomatos!!! I told you I HATE weekends...Its just so stressful!
Today has been better although I honestly felt like crap trying to get up :( But I made it up...and to work ontime. was so bad because I put $15 in gas and it was on empty where my husband made a pointless trip and ran all the gass out. .well I will stop gripping..I know its annoying to me too...Ok I take it back I hate weekends and mondays

You don't drown by falling in the water....

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"

Last night was not a good night & I figured it would not be..this is how it started..Work until 5:30 ~ School at 6pm until 9pm ~everything was not great but was ok up until this point, Michael picks me up and it down hill from that point, I won't go into detail about the whole conversation I will just say some things that were said that should not have calling me bitches & my mom a whore. He also told me he did not want to be there and I basically expressed I didn't want him there, He took off his ring ~ I took off mine End of story...kind of..as the night when on and he seen I was not going to cry he started trying to be nice after saying such mean things I couldn't image why he wanted to even be there but I have lived in this marriage and I know all the faces each one different Yet always the same. Sometimes I feel so helpless yet other times so strong..I feel I have been trapped in the past for too long and I am moving on, I just need to face it and realize as long as I am there he will never allow me to change. Sometimes I feel like half a woman, life has had me on my knees. I am definitely not a stranger to hard times, I just don't understand why they happen to me. I feel I have dealt with my ghost and faced all my demons and for once I am at peace with myself and my decisions...I finally feel content with the past I regret...I don't know what more to do anymore. I heard a song and wow the words hit me like a brick " Life has been patiently waiting for me" and I feel that so relates to me. Life has been waiting for me, at some point in my life "I" have to fit in it, I have been living for so many others yet neglected myself and my feelings. I have not done the things I know I could because of other people opinions. I feel there comes a time in everyones life all you see is the years passing you by & never doing what you want to know for yourself, like a ship with no sail or a bird with no wings you start feeling helpless and alone..It gets harder it seems the older you get. At this point I don't know which way to turn, I have so much going and just feel so overwhelmed. Knowing what I want & need to do yet staying seems so much easier. I know I deserve better of of course I have heard from others how much better off I would be and its not that I don't or think I I could make it on my own that scares me but "failing" is what scares me..Lil things Like I need a steady job & stuff like that, not that he has ever helped me but, being alone in a struggle is harder, trust me, I have done that. I have been through so much more then I could tell people but, this marriage has still topped my list of hard things to deal with, Its all the verbal, mental & Physical abuse I have dealt with so many times in my life and being with Michael sort of made it feel "normal" I don't want someone that trys to control me yet always end up with that type of person feeling like I have to have someone to control me to love me..The fact is..We don't love each other and are basically using each other, he is using me as a meal ticket and I place to live, somewhere to get money and someone to abuse and I use him just so that I will not "feel" alone but in reality..I am alone and have been. I am so confused and stressed out and try to go on like I am fine yet...I am not. The truth is I want and need this diet yet ~ I feel as if I am not doing it correctly, I want and need a divorce ~ yet I am scared to death, I want and need my Dad ~ He don't need me I mean there is so much more...I guess I had to lose myself to figure out the marriage was going no where, Maybe one day I will find forgiveness somewhere down this road but, I have held so much inside...I may not be able to. Its sad when I had to lose myself to figure out he's not worth working for

Hummm I am here, kind of

Things have been a lil on the crazy side, seems I don't have a second to stop and do anything anymore...I guess it just because it is December OK food..I ate Great today..salad with chicken breast and I have been drinking plenty of water...so I have done good..Lets hope I eat a good supper and not do like I done last night and not eat anything... I am off to class

This is NOT good

Supercharge Your Weight Loss By

Eating More Food!
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you eating enough calories on a daily basis???
While many people are eating too much, many are actually eating too few calories. The fact is, our bodies have a minimum energy requirement that does no more than maintain one’s vital functions while at rest.This is called one’s basal metabolic rate.
If you regularly restrict calories then your body establishes a new, lower, metabolic set point. This essentially determines how fast your metabolism is.
By lowering your metabolic set point, you store fat more easily since your body can no longer burn excess calories as well as it once could. Other than allowing for a slower metabolism, here are some more serious side effects that can accompany restrictive diets:
kidney damage
liver damage
dehydration
muscle loss
ketoacidosis
While the kidneys and liver ordinarily serve as complex processing plants, their normal functions can be compromised due to the muscle and organ tissue that has to be broken down just to maintain the basal metabolic rate.
This puts undue stress on the kidneys and liver which when left unchecked could lead to unbalanced pH levels in the blood. The broken down tissue comes as a result of the body’s lack of blood sugar that comes from a proper, healthier diet and can become fatal if the restrictive diet is prolonged and extreme enough in its restrictions.
If you are curious as what a healthy caloric requirement would be, then use the calculator provided on the West Virginia Dietetic Association’s website (http://www.wvda.org/calcs/fcals.htm).

Ok So, I Read this article & Wow, Ok soo I don't get enough calories, on some days and the days I do I splurge a bit to get them... I am not doing well at all, its hard to explain what I am feeling..I guess you go through a stage where your like " ok I am losing now what do I do different" I am extremly worried about what I am doing wrong, Last night I done something I have NEVER done just because I am becoming sooo scared of gaining...Ok its like this for a MONTH straight I have ate VERY healthy with the exception of Thanksgiving day and I had to many calories, anyway and things with NO taste are not pleasing to me and that make me not want to eat which in turn makes me eat fewer calories then I am supppose to. anyway, I am starting FRESH today ; as of today I am going to make myself eat even if I feel like I am not hungry..My food journal has to stay updated or else I can't do this so this AM I ate an apple, For lunch, which is now lol I am eating Stemed Broc, Callif & Carrots, A piece of grilled chicken and a Banana..so Thats Meat, veggies, fruit & Water... I am eating throught the day.

Well last night something happened and I guess I need to confess, Ok in defense I have had so much going home that I have not been getting home until late like really late..so I go to work get off at 5 and then off to class until 10 and still had to drive to my mother in laws - so through all that, I forgot to eat - NORMALLY I would have (since I have been on my diet) just go to bed since it was so late but LAST NIGHT...I stopped and ate an ARBYS! OMG I felt sooo weird about it that I went straight home and took a laxative!!! ( I told you I have never done that before)...I think I am becoming obessed with the whole weight thing, I am not sure how I feel I just know I never wanna be that weight again! Anyway its a new day I have done great today and eating was a lil better soo thats a plus.

I did spend the morning chatting with my co worker, which took a load off my mind, I have always heard if your stress out and need release tell it to someone who doesn't care about the situation, It not only gets it off your mind it helps the healing process...Have a great day!

Another BAD night..

Ok well after the lunch ordeal I was kinda sick soo I didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and I see we don't do that, after I got home, Michael Mom called and ask if we would help her move...WOW long drive well we done it because she needed the help..After that I was starving to death where I had not ate most of the day, I ended up AGAIN messing up and going to get a Krystal!!!! Well to confess TWO of them! IT was NASTY BUT, I was starving!!! I needed something! So, I got to bed and wake up this morning and of course it was a bad morning! I woke up hungry, I ATE A RICE CAKE!!! lol I was like, NOPE I will not give in again...I took my Benefiber & My meds and off to work I went...I will not let this FAT drag me any lower then I have been in the past, I just can't and won't!!! I am tired of being huge, and crying when I look in the mirror, and Trying to AVOID the summer months! Thats a HUGE thing SUMMER, I hated to see it coming, as least in the winter I could sort of cover all this up, but it was getting to the point where I couldn't, I know I lost last month but I have had a few mess up's this month that might make a HUGE difference in how much I lose...Its kind of depressing and after a while eating the same ole same ole gets old...Its Sad when I can't wait on Christmas just to have an excuse to eat something good..
Work has gotten a lil busy thats why I feel I have negeted my writing and maybe thats why I am not eating properly...I have GOT to do this for myself...I want to feel good about myself and not feel so ashamed of how I look.. I want to feel good and KNOW I am healthy, I think I deserve it...
I have been online just not near as much, mainly because I feel like I am consently doing something and its driving me insane! Like today I work all day, get off, go to class and then to help my mother in law move again...I won't get home until really late and I will be dead tired. I have to get better at logging food...I might get a food journal...

VERY busy morning...

I have been so busy this morning that I have hardly had time to think, I am pretty stressed about some issues and I guess I needed to stay busy. I did not feel that great when I woke this AM, I have a sore throat and just didn't feel well, I decided to eat a banana on the way to work, I thought maybe that would make me feel bette since yesterday I ate a small handburger from Mcdonalds, I have felt so bad since that lil thing!!! I guess mainly because I feel I lost control...WHAT was I thinking!!!!! I only ate a Chicken wrap, banana, orange and that lil Handburger!!! Nasty, but it did taste Ok...Just because I was craving salt...anyway I am back on track today I hope and plan to eat healthy today to make up for it... I brought my rice cakes incause I had a craving for something sweet...

Lunch - 12:15 and decdided to do lunch in the dining room they were having chicken and beef Faitias and I got a wrap with Lettace and grilled chicken, I ask for a very SMALL amount of cheese however, people do not understand "porton size" so I ended up with this HUGEEE wrap which looks soo nasty to me! I mean just gross..got back and started to eat it but the wrap stunk! I mean maybe its just me but it was NASTY smelling so I decided to take the wrap off just put the chicken and lettace togather and there was a hair in it, it turned my stomcah now I feel soo sick, I ate a VERY small porton of was not affected but couldn't help but think it might have touched it so I threw it away! Tought me a lession..NEVER order from the hot bar there!

Roasting Marshmellows?????

Saturday - I found ups and downs, eating habits are going ok, I did eat soe hamburger helper which was not good but I sub milk for water and used no fat stuff, hopefully that helped, Michael's Grandmother is still is the hospital and doesn't seem to be doing well...& My Step mom is in the hospital in Ga so things have been somewhat tense...I did get to spend some much needed alone time today shopping and such which I enjoyed. Michael was sort of a jerk today but thats not surprising huh...I have kept a headache for two days now and thats really pretty stressful as well... Last night Michael and i did go to the show I was speaking of, everyone looked so happy and excited and of course michael kind of acted miserable, I did try to enjoy myself and toward the end of the night things did get much better, I took some pictures to share..OHHH I ate a marshmellow!!! just 1 but WOWWW it was so good had to get my picture roasting it.I had an ok time but felt really alone and like I should have been there by myself.
Ran into a friend at Walmart, she mention that I looked like I was losing weight...That made me VERY happy!!! I was excited..I even went shopping again today...Just to buy smaller jeans and believe it or not they fit me better, I am noticing BIG changes with my Fat?? Ekkk its just there, I mean yeah I am losing the weight but now theres FLAB everywhere ha ha ha I will deal with the flab, once I am at my goal weight.
I know that I am having other problems. I hope that its not serious but when I went to use the batheroom I noticed Blood in my stool, and ALOT of it, I went to the Pharmacy last night and talked to him and he suggested a stool softner so, I decided that maybe I should...Seems like I am having problems going to the bather room, I checked and it is a side effect.
I was not online much the past couple of days, just needed a mental break... I feel like I am going crazy sometimes...well I better get to bed

Bad Morning

wow I have felt really bad this morning, I had a long day yesterday, a LONG MISERABLE morning!! just so much going on and I just feel really stressed out..not sure why or whats going on, well I guess I do know just would rather no share right now...anyway I have kept a headache all day long wow its crazy... I did eat lunch really earily, I ate steamed veggies and some grilled chicken, I feel ike I am going to turn into a chicken as much as I have ate...lolwell I better get off here because I have some work that needs attention...

Ok So I messed up a bit...

Ok so after work yesterday, which was already late I had an apppointment, then I had to go to the Mother inlaws for Dinner, well of course they didn't have anything healthy soo I ended up eating really late and NOT what I should have, yesterday at lunch I only had a chicken (Grilled and cut up ) and I snacked on a serving of raisins and some curves cerial......I just didn't have time to eat, I find that as the holidays are approching, it is becoming harder to eat "right" but I will not allow it to take from me what I want so badly...Michael wasn't as bad last night as normal, I can tell that he is extremly worried about his Grandmother who si going into surgry at 12:30 today, He mentioned staying at the hospital with her which he needs to do I think...but who knows if he will...
This morning I stopped my Mcdonalds and decided to have a fruit & Yogert cup & a Decaf with two creams ( Yeah I Know, the cream is bad for me ) I also brought a Fiber one bar for a snack and My fiber choice meds to aid is my hunger pains...
I am kind of feeling thisng will change soon, not sure what the change will be but, I feel it coming on....

Trying to focus....

Are You Losing At Least One Pound Per Week?
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you losing at least one pound per week? If diet and exercise are made priorities then it should be completely feasible to lose at least a pound per week.
It needs to be understood that a pound of bodyfat contains roughly 3500 calories and if one removes 500 excess calories a day then at least one pound will be lost until a goal weight is achieved. This doesn’t take regular exercise into consideration which means more weight can be lost.
As far as the diet is concerned, make sure you remove those 500 calories from superfluous food sources such as sodas which can be replaced with water or unsweetened tea. That’s easily 120-150 calories depending on the soda.
Instead of fries or chips, go with steamed vegetables instead. Vegetables and fruit are recommended for two reasons: Not only do they have fewer calories due to the water content but they contain considerably more vitamins and minerals than the unnecessary junk. The diet facet is certainly more challenging than exercise in terms of fighting off the calories.
While for most, exercise is the easier of the two, it is still a motivational challenge at times. Some days we are too busy, while other days simply leave us too tired. And while easier said than done, try not to fall into a rut like that.
One of the best aspects of exercise is that it can serve as one-stop shopping in terms of calorie reduction. For instance, an hour of jogging burns up to 900 calories! However, remember to use weights as well because building muscle is what boosts the metabolism in the long-term. Alone, an hour’s worth of weight training will burn 500 calories but the metabolic boost you get is unique only to resistance training.
Of course, one needs to remember to not only eat a nutritious protein and carbohydrate snack an hour after exercising but to eat enough calories throughout the day. Many, think starvation will lead to fat loss when exactly the opposite is true. The body must break down its own muscle tissue in an effort to maintain one’s metabolism since not enough calories are being eaten. When calories are lacking, body fat is hoarded and metabolisms are slowed down in order to conserve energy due to the fight-or-flight response.
Once a solid diet and exercise program has been established, removing 500 calories a day will become the healthy sidenote to an overall healthy lifestyle.

Ok so, I started the new meds today and some how I feel extremely different?? I thought this was a lower dosage but, not sure. Anyway, I have recieved so many letters of support that I am so greatful, Thanks you so much to all that wrote. I woke up Several times during the night because I was just so excited and hopeful that I might be a regular size again...It felt great to sit down with the DR and have him explain everything to me... I needed yesterday, and I am happy that I have the support of my online community, during Thanksgiving I never said I was thankful for anything, mainly because, I couldn't figure out anything ( besides the basics; Cloths, food, roof etc ) well, I now have found something - Friends...wow, I was telling my co worker I didn't realize there were so many people that cared about someone else life.

I read a great article this morning, of course I am sharing it....I was amazed that I had lost so much weight and didn't realize how important a good diet was, now I see...

At work myself and two of my co workers have been working on a project so I have been chit chatting for most of the morning, better check my mail....

OMGGGGGGGGGG I am HAPPY!!!!

OK I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! Ok I stressed all day for what???? for the DR to tell me what a wonderful job I have done and i was right on track, I LOST 14 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!! 14!!! OMG I am so happy, I called EVERYBODY I knew to call to tell them....Colette THANK YOU for all the incouraging words your the best!, I did sit and have a conversation with him about everything and he explain some things to me, he feels I am doing great and complented me SEVERAL times about how I was doing and he felt like I would be the one to make my goal weight I just can not believe it!!!! Wow, what a stress relief!!!! I am buying a friggin scale!!!!! Then I pigged out after I left lol, seriously I was so nervious I only ate 5 rice cakes and a salad at lunch! I was so nervious...I met a girl I chat with oneline tonight, and she was awsome and a great support type person I truely enjoyed talking to her, its noce to have a woman to talk to here, I have no friends with the exception of the online vertial kind!!!!! well i am off to bed been a long day

A Lil on the STRESSED side...

I am soo nerviou about my dr appontment I felt this CRAZY erage to EAT!!! OMG I haven't done that since I have been on my diet, well I done the right thing and brought RICECAKES, I never eat over 1 a day...BUT I have ate 4!!!! I thought its better to eat those then grab something else ya know...I don't even know why I am nervious, I just want to know what I have been doing is paying off... or is it pointless or what..Ya know...I am hoping to have lost at least ummm well I hope a lot but I know that wouldn't be healthy, I guess I am hoping for 6 pounds, thats not too much to ask...I have to talk to him about having the PCOS and see if that might have some kind of affect on my losing weight, upon research on it..I know that it slows down the weight loss process but I wonder how of if there is something I can do different... I told you I am worried, I have worried myself sick...LORDY anyway workkkkk Jenniferrr ok I got that out

Made a Mistake, TODAY is my WI

Ok I made a mistake..Today is my WI, I have to be there today at 5:30. I am a lil nervious and excited. I thought it was yesterday but either way I am excited.... I know I have lost or I would not be wearing this size! I am in ANOTHER pair of smaller jeans..I just thought it was the way the others were made BUT NOPE!!!! They fit perfectly..may be a lil tight but, I can deal with tight as long as I fit in them....YESSSSSSSSSSS I am sooooo excited...I am also wearing an Xlarge today...wow been a while since I could do that...I am thinking maybe this sweater is a Mens lol I just keep making excuses about how I could wear these things but the fact remains I am in them!! which is like wow wow wow!!!!
Yesterday I dont think I logged my food and I need to start doing that sooo Let me think...yesterday morning for breakfast or through out the day I munched on Curves Cerial, Lunch, I ate cottage Cheese & Pineapples and OHHHH I forgot this...I ate a Bag (Small) of Lays Lites which have Very lil calories, non from fat BUT SALTY!!! I did try them and I did not like the after tatse, it left a greasy feel on your tounge...ekkkkk Last night when I got in I put on some white beans and sausage in the crock pot (For my husband) & I fixed ham salad with left over ham, I won't lie as I was fixing it I ate about 4 bites and I swar I felt sooo guilty that I didnt eat anything but a rice cake after that!!!! I went to bed...I did drink plenty of water....

This morning when I woke I was starving and I am starving now...so i ate a rice cake before I left the house...well I better get busy... work calls lol...

Wow I Feel GREAT WI Today!!!!!

This morning has been Great Got up to get dressed and WOW I am wearing a 16!!! OMG I am soo excited...I go to the Dr later today and will know how much I have lost, I have a great feel about this...I have not done that wonderful over Thanksgiving, well I guess I have done good considering all the temptation I had around me...So we will see if it will all pay off in the end. For Breakfast this morning I ate a bowl of Dry Cerial ( Curves ) and have not drank any water yet but plan to in a few minutes. I have spent most of my morning pittling lol Chatting with people in the office that sort of thing, came in and did not have a whole lot to do. I am just so excited about this afternoon I dont know what to do...
I ask for a weight Watchers scale for Christmas but I want one now so I am thinking maybe I might go buy one this week so I can keep up with my progress... maybe weight every morning and see how that goes, I have always been against that because I always felt it was depressing but now that I am losing I might want to consider it. I am not sure yet.

I have a BUNCH of questions for my Dr and can't wait until I get off to go...I am thinking of maybe coming off the meds next month..see how it goes. Who Knows I might take off and lose LOTS of weight.... I may not look much smaller but boy I feel it..I mean I am so excited about the jeans!! Yeahhhhh Ok I better try to find some work lol

Wow LONGGG weekend...

Ok So The weekend went better then planned, although I have not wrote that much its been a great weekend so far. Michael & I have spent some quality time togather, which was much needed time. Also I have been spending time with my Mother In Law, since she has a new man things have changed alot...For the better I would have to say...My WI Is tomarrow and I would say I am a bit nervious, I think I have lost some but, I am curious as to how much...I have not done that great as far as my meals and Have not been charting as I should...i did write one of my groups to find out about a weight watchers group, I found one at a local church but not sure if I have the time to put into it, I have so much going right now...

My Tree is up, I honestly did think I would have one this year but while michael and I were out shopping we ran into a great deal soooo i went for it, It makes the house a much "homey" Feel, Michael put the lights on it and done a Great job, I put the decorations on it..I like it pluse we have some new decorations that makes the house brighter...This is My Tree, and this is some of the bright decor and believe me there is so much more....I will make sure to catch up on my journaling tomarrow...

OMGGGG I went shopping, SMALLER SIZE

I went shopping today and to my surprise I have lost weight, I dont know how much but I know some because I had to buy a smaller size!!! We took the Thanksgiving photos and wow, I could see it in my face..I have been so busy putting up my tree tonight and I was out shopping all day that I have not had a chance to write..I am soo tired, as for eating I have done OK, I mean like Lunch I had steamed green beans, Duck & water Dinner I had a chicken salad soo I have not done bad, I bought some healthy eating cook books today and plan to cook for family tomarrow I am going to try to make it healthy as possible so I can enjoy the meal gulit free...I have had an ok Day, really and I was with Michael...He helped me clean and even helped me with the Tree...I will post pictures soon...anyway I am soo excited that I feel like I have lost some, I will know in TWO days, for Chrismatmas I as for one of the weight watcher scales !!! Thats what i really want more then anything....well i better gooo

Work instead of Shop????

Ok I don't know why BUT, I could have had the day off BUT, I decided that I would come to work instead! Not sure why but, I just felt it was pointless to spend money when I could be making money, I just can not afford not to work, so I am here and believe me I am the ONLY one here....Got here at 7:55!!! (Work Day starts at 8:30) Anyway, woke up feeling really guilty about yesterday But I guess we have to move on huh...Today I got up and ate a rice cake for breakfast, went to the Bank and headed here. Thats about it for now will write again in a Bit...

Thanksgiving night - Sharing Pictures

OK OK, I done REALLLYYY BADDD BUT, Its one day and Its a Holiday..:) Good excuse huh? Anyway I did only eat once which know is VERY bad and I did eat Very UNHEALTHY food, I do Feel extremly guilty but, It was all good food and I had a Blast wanted to share some Pictures Of my Thanksgiving Ok this was 1 OF 3 Tables!!! Yeah you heard me right LOL OMGGG My food has healthy stuff in it BUT My Mother In Laws WOW.... BADme & My Mother in Law...Wow My face looks like I have lost weight?? I think soo I know My hair was just BAD lol I had been cooking Most of the night, got BACK up at 6 and started cooking again..Some of us being Goofy BUT ignor e my brother in laws finger..sorry bought that I just thought it was a FUNNY picture..My Husband & His BrotherThis is My Lil one after Turkey :)

ThanksGIVING Day...

A THANKSGIVING POEM
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE
CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY
OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!!

Ok It is FINALLY Here, I have cooked soo much food, I mean soooo much it almost makes me sick to look at it lol Last night I done OK, not well lol I did pick some :) anyway I at a nice dinner before starting, well it was good anyway, had a Market fresh turkey w/ lettace, tomato and turkey, No Mayo or anything :) I did :( have a slice of swiss on it BUT onlt ate half the sandwhich. Last night I did have to test my food for salt and stuff i am sure that costed me a few calories :) and I did SNEAK a Deviled egg :( But all in all I done well....

This morning I have not ate anything, I did try a bite of the Dressing just to see what it needed but I have not even had time to stop for a break to take my meds and get dressed, I plan to drink two bottles of water BEFORE lunch so that I am not as hungry :) I might even eat a rice cake as well...to try to feel up..Michael has been acting Fine, which I am glad of, Didn't want to deal with that Ya know LORD LOL Well I hope everyone is having a Great one and Healthy eating :) well Ok....Just enjoy your self, Theres always tomarrow :)

Happy Thanksgiving world :)

Good Morning World...and Happy Day

Good Morning, Woke this morning feeling great, I am not sure why but I do...I think maybe because last night was an Ok night, I went to meet a lady about my bags ( I am selling Handbags ) she bout a few and then I decided it was time to eat, We decided on Shoneys and of course I done GREAT, I ate a salad with the Dark lettace as I call it was all HEALTHY veggies and No cheese, bread crumbs or anything, and I ate Fat free dressing...for the dinner part ate 1 serving of corn & 1 serving of Pinto Beans ( Just enought to get some protein) per Mickey, My Co-worker, I don't get enough, I went home, watched the Biggest loser ~ Wow I cried through it, it was an amazing journey that the girl that was voted off had been through, she was down to her goal weight of 137 and looked beautiful, while watching the show, Michael showed a heart ( Believe it or not lol ) He was like thats great, she looks really good...and even made the comment that I was losing weight already and if people like that could do it, so could I. I thought I was there with some one else and almost hit the floor when he said it! He even watched the whole show with me!! Wow anyway..It was great to see that people CAN do it with determation, I wish that I could work out and stuff like them but, Its hrad when you work full time, go to school and do Taxes seasonal...theres just not enough hours in the day...

After that, I was a little tired but Michael put in Hairspray the musical and I couldn't resit watching it until I fell asleep..Woke up feeling refreshed and OK believe it or not..I have not taken meds or anything until 9:00...I was reading up on ways to make Thanksgiving more enjoyable for people on a diet, I really do not want to blow this because I go to the DR. Monday to get weighed.. I am extremely worried about and and praying hard I lost some..

I am at work..so I better get to it, just wanted to check in

I was tagged, answering questions

4 Dishes I like to cook and eat
1. Mac & Cheese bake
2. Bananna Pudding
3. Grilled Chicken
4 Turkey
Four qualities I love in people
1. HONESTY is #1
2. Outgoing
3. Shows Respect (To both themselves & others )
4. Caring Heart
Four Places I have been.
1. Massachusetts
2. Florida
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. Georgia
Four Things in My Bedroom
1. Tv
2. Dogs bed
3. Fan
4. Clock
Four dirty words I use
1. Sh*&
2. Da&^
3. He*$
4. A#@
Four Objects I will never part with
1. My Pictures
2. My Grandmothers quilt
3. Letters from my dad
3. all my certificates and awards

Bring on the rain...

There is no better time than right now to be happy.Happiness is a journey, not a destination.So work like you don't need money,Love like you've never been hurt,And, dance like no one's watching.

Ok I did not do that good yesterday with Calories, a friend of mine said that was starving myself...I thought it was pretty good, I ate a rice cake (50 calories ) for breakfast, half a Lean pocket for lunch (120 calories ) umm I had a Natures Own bar (140 calories ) and I had a broccoli (steamed) Meal that was 100 calories..Total of 510 calories, I thought it was more but I guess after I sat down and figured it, it was different well, I will have to do better today...

Last night on our way to get michael some "krystals" (LOLOL to myself) I dont remember what I said but his response was if you don't like it divorce me! WOW I was like OK, so you want a divorce ( I was saying to my self humm ok this could be a good conversation ) so he said whatever you want, I got real serious and said well, I think that things have not been good for two years, we went from fighting consently to just not talking, needless to say he did not speak to me 90% of the night, after the conversation, I turned the radio up and just...sang like it was nothing. I am not sure how he expects me to feel but if he is waiting on me to beg him to stay, well its not going to happen...I am not interested in the marriage anymore ~ I am tired of being hurt and the feel of being used. I want someone who will support me in my decisions and who will love me, he dont do either so why keep it up...it is only prolonging what is going to happen anyway...Marriage takes work AND two people willing to do that, I loved this man with my heart and sould and BEGGED him to love me, I can remember many night I cried myself to sleep only to wake up craying because of things he'd said to me to hurt me or something he done. Its just not a good sitaution and I feel like I am in a struggle to make someone love me..I think he is there "Just because" I truly feel he knows the marriage is over & has been for sometime.
I had so much hurt and disappointment in my life, I am not sure why I felt that this would be an exception..from day 1, I knew that I was not number 1 in his life. He has never showed me a side of him that proved to me his love..My hurt aches & some days I feel I am dying inside, I long for someone that will love me just as I am...even if they dont agree with my decisions in life. Its a Hard situation to deal with but, I know I will be fine, I have made it through worse storms. Being sexully abused from as far back as I can remember until I was about 9 - I went through 10 years of hell (something I chose not to share) and this I CAN and do...

Dieting gives me a start, to some a Diet is just that, to me its a life change, its the start of a new me...a me that is strong and knows that I can achieve whatever I want to in life. I know there are many test...BUT, I am ready "Bring on the rain"

Moving Right along...

Ok well woke up, and got dressed, was a Beauiful morning, Not to hot and not to cold..wish it would stay like this..Weather said it was going to be 79 degress tomarrow...wow wee.. I like that~ Well I can not remember if i logged what I had for Dinner last night, it was a BLT Chicken Salad from McDonalds...Ok OK Calm down, I Took off the Bacon, Cheese & of course NO randch, Only Fat free Itilian for me and Lettace and Grilled chicken. Was very good :) I ate really earily, around 4:30, and did not eat anything else through out the night, which was great because I normally get a sweet tooth later on in the night..Ok So I went to Walmart to buy Thanksgiving, well I was VERY good and was proud of myself as I bought everything Fat free, or Low Fat and took the time to read the labels to decide what would be the best way to make it enjoyable Yet, as little fat as possible. I bought "Promise Butter" for myself and Light Butter for Cooking ( The promse was pricey for as much as I needed. ) I did NOT buy Veggie Oil..Ummm Lets see, I mean I bought Egg beaters & Egg whites for the things I would need eggs for and I boughtVERY little cheese, I decided instead of cooking desserts as I have done in the past, I would TRICK myself...I bought Three pies that I HATE, that way I would not be tempted to indulge in a huge piece. While there I bought My food for the week so I would not have to eat out, I bought things like Rice Cakes, Lean pockets, Steamed veggies that had No sauces on them and even found the ones that you can put in the Microwave...soo I think I done great...I am proud of myself...anyway was there 2 hours and spend a forutune BUT, I feel better about Thanksgiving now..
Today, On my way to work I had a Rice cake ( For Breakfast ) and brought a Lean pocket to eat for Lunch..We will see how that goes...Otherwise things are pretty normal...

Have a Blessed day..

Thank You for saying I changed..

Ok so I guess things were just going too good..well after I got to spend the day by myself he comes home and decides to spoil it, Of course it was about the diet again, and believe me I know I am gaining strengh because, I didn't just take what he was say, I decided to say the truth... A friend of mine is bring me a Thanksgiving basket, just being nice, he was like I better shut the shades beofre those "people" show up....I said..."jennifer..just eat your salad and shut up" BUT I couldn't!!! I Looked at him dead in the eye and said.."they probally feel bad for me" he said"why" I just broke it down for him real SIMPLE.."because of you" I said...OHH he didn't like that one bit..he said ohh everythings about you and this diet, You have changed. ( I was YEAHHHH, a point for JENNIFER" because thats a good thing..He then says "well I guess your trying to lose weight to fine somebody else" I said well "if they treat me better then you may bee" Ok well needless to say he has not spoke to me since lol...Not that I care.

I am Happy to hear him say i am changing because thats GREAT..I needed to start standing up for myself But, he don't like that..OHH Well..

For Dinner I ate a Salad, with Grilled chicken and Fat free Dressing, Was REALYYY GOOD....I might have ate too much but, at least I feel a lil full, thats something I rarely feel anymore. well, I just thought i would share my afternoon with you...

Sunday already?

Ok I was p at 8am, My Mom has me on this lil project, I am selling her Bags on line and making a a lil money as well, YEAHHH well, I woke up to 27 e-mails this am after placing the ad so i have been busy at work ha ha, Thats the kind of work I need...sit at home work...I did wake with a Head ache this morning I am thinking its because the way I ate ysterday Ok this is what i did, I woke and I was not hungry at all so, what did I do NOT eat, I waited until like 2:00 and ate, I went to my favorite place..Cracker Barrel and done pretty well as far as what I ate, They have a Low carb menu, I had egg scramlers (1) a tomato slice, Turkey Sasuage ( They brought two but I ate 1 ) & whole wheat toast with Promise sread and suger free jam and I drank and 8oz glass of water But by then I had a HUGE woppin headache because I think I might have waited wayyy to late to eat..so being that I ate so late, I ended up not eating again until about 8:30 PM ( which is against MY rules about what time is the right time to eat ) and I ate 1 chicken wrap from taco bell -minus the tortilla because i normally tear 90% off and give to the dogs...LOL soo I think Thats why I am keeping a head ache...Weekends are extremly hard on me as far as the "time" I eat...anyway...I did go over to moms and visit yesterday which I always enjoy of course...and then I came home and stay up until about 2am wow I done BAD this weekend lol Ohh well...I will have a better Day tomarrow I hope. Michael will be gone most of the day today which I LOVE of course lol...

I am picking up the Thanksgiving food today as well..I am hoping to get as much lowfat stuff as possible without telling Michael and the rest of the family lol I don't think they will ever notice as much as they eat..lol OK OK I will stop being mean BUT ITS TRUE, they don't slow down long enough to enjoy it so, why not make it healythy for them . I did Buy some Christmas stuff at the Cracker barrel, I Love their decorations and EVERYTIME I go, i end up spending much more then my meal, I eat so little that the meals are much cheaper ( Would be even CHEAPER if michael would disappear Hee hee ) I got a CUTE Snowman that things single bells & moves its head & Lights up OHHHH ha ha and I got a Snowman made out of Ice and he lights up, The CUTEST thing ever!!! I ended up buying a new Christmas Flag for my Flag pole outsde as well...Well I guess i will get off of here for now..I have been on here forever lol Have a Blessed Day...

Busy Saturday

Well hello seems I am getting later writing in my Journal, I got up and had to Run an errand for my mom and a couple for myself, Its been a busy morning so far..But a quite day...Last night for dinner, I ate something that I don't think was ummm too healthy however, I had not ate many calories for the day so I splurged a bit I had a arbys Jr, It was REALLY good...Last night I bought some of the Ice Cream I seen on the Hungry Girl website ( I Live by that site ha hah ) anyway I was amazed how low in calories they are and I did eat one last night...although I had the roast beef, I did not go over my calorie count which is good...This morning I still have not ate, Its 12:30 am :( I guess I need to but, sometimes I dread eating and other times, I am extremely hungry it goes from one extreme to the other. Last night I went to moms for about an hour and checked out her kitchen to make sure she was eating healthy lol, she said I am not the one on the diet lil girl ha ha ha, She is all for my diet and even said I looked like I was losing WOW, That felt realllyyyy GOOOD I may not be but, It feels good to hear someone say that, I hope that's just the beginning :) Michael has not been that bad today..I mean he's not been negative that is, But he did eat a HUGE Country Breakfast thing at Hardees...WOW that place is the WORSE for Calories!!!! Its like 1200 in a Monster Burger!!! i would NEVER eat one of those..That would be my calories for the day. I am not doing much but I think I will get my dogs out riding today so I better go get them dressed..Chat with you later...

Better Morning

OK I feel MUCH better this morning, maybe I just needed to get that off my chest but, It must have worked because I feel 100% better today, I got up and took a warm shower got dressed and even left my hair down...I ate rice cakes and listened to the morning show this morning and traffic was not that bad, so Its been a better morning already...Just an update will write more in a bit..


10:30 am OK I am updating...OK The office is having a lil Thanksgiving treat :) I was VERY good, I did go but only ate two small cocktail wienies, 2 apple slices and 4 grapes I decided to come to my desk so I could resit the temptation.
This morning I have got very little done, I was chatting with a couple of co workers about my diet and so on and found out that Tonya, a girl I work with has been in Weight watchers for some time! I also found out exactly how the meetings work and what they are about, I am going to find me a meeting asap and get started, I am really excited about this info because I know I have someone that understand what I am going through. I also shared some personal information with them and feel so much better since I decided to get it out in the open...I am really tired of pretending everything is OK when in fact, Its the opposite, I struggle daily with this and feel it is time that It comes to a stop. I know that it will be tough, I am expecting that but when the time is right I will go for it...I am sad that my anniversary is coming up and have so many regrets through the marriage, That will be the second hardest thing I will have to do, Right now I am trying to stay focused on Me, my weight and getting strong enough to tackle that decision. Anyway I guess I will get some work done...

I have something private to share

Without a Doubt I am depressed, I am not sure what is going on but, I feel like I am ..I don't know just Blaaaaaa Ya know..Its weird! After work I got dinner, I went to Subway and got the Mini sub ( 1/4 of a regular sub ) and had her to put JUST lettuce on it with two pieces of Turkey, after I got it i was ...ummm No That's NOT what I want sooo I pulled out my Calorie thingy for McDonald's and seen that I could get a 4 piece nugget for Very few Calories BUT, Its basically considered "fried" and I have not had ANYTHING fried soo I went for it and BOY I am paying for it, I ate THREE SMALL chicken nuggets and I now am sick and feel miserable...I guess because I have not had grease in so long...OMG it was NASTY, I won't do that again, for a snack i ate three fat free mints...yumm yumm lol anyway, I am not sure that i am losing anything, I am one of the stubborn people that REFUSED to get on a scale...I mean I REFUSE! I decided that once a month was enough torture for me soooo ...that's what I done...

OK I am ready to explain my depression, This is extremely hard for me BUT I need to talk about this and its really SAD and depressing and I hope that I can do it without crying my eyes out and this is the part of my life that VERY few people know about so they don't understand why I am so bitter at my Husband...

OK Lets start here when I was 14 my husband and I met, I thought he was my world and at 14 he was lol, I was raised in a single father home and I was searching for love, he seemed almost perfect, we dated until I was 19 and I moved to Nashville, I was there 8 years and returned, I just happen to run into his Mother (who BTW always wanted us to get married and told me at a young age that she knew we would ) well we started talking again and at 30 I married him..He when I knew him did not drink or smoke or anything..I mean NOTHING..so that being said, while I was away he was in a terrible tractor trailer wreck and came pretty close to dying and stayed in the hospital 3 months took him a while to learn to walk and to get back to normal but when I got back with him he was OK and seemed like the old Michael Little did I know he had a hidden secert that he failed to mention before we were married...

It was Ok at first and I noticed he would get really..Umm how do I say this..Moody I guess and became very violent and has even hit me in the past. Well he is trying to get disability and takes pain meds and has grown addicted to it, and when I say addicted I mean if he runs out all heck breaks lose...I mean Its SAD and SICK...to me. I guess because I have never done drugs I don't understand the whole "addiction" thing. I just figured since he gets them legally from a Dr its OK, but while in medical school ( I attended Medical school for 2 years ) I figured it out. This is extremely hard for me because I am highly against this and feel that he needs to stop when I suggest that, he is like well you don't have a medal rode in your leg and a plated hip and blots in your knee so u wouldn't understand...BUT that is true and I stay on edge ALL the time, this is one of our biggest problems..(That and the fact that he does not work, takes advantage of me and treats me like I am a "nobody" OH and NEVER supports me and and talks down to me constantly I could go on... ) I am the provider in the house, I clean, work buy food, pay all bills and do EVERYTHING on my own, yet I am married. i know people get tired of hearing it and I guess I do too...Its on my mind because we have our anniversary in about two weeks and it is sad to say but he has never even got me anything...I do it all an when i say that I mean EVERYTHING....I buy his cloths, wash them and lay them out sometimes...I am just venting I guess I just let it get to me WAYY to much But Now I am doing something for myself and sometimes i just don't feel worthy of even doing that...Some days I am strong and others weak and miserable...I use to think of ways to disappear because before him, i wasn't in a good situation either..Its been a hard life full of disappointment, and I guess I am scared my diet will turn out the same way...I never expect to be happy because I am normally let down ya know...

I don't like telling people about myself because I don't know of anything really good to tell...I am very friendly to "just meet me" But I keep EVERYONE at a distance and will not let anyone in my world..it's weird, I know alot of people don't know me that well but i was in college for 3 years, I met so many people, I was a member of Civitan ( A College out reach program that helped the community ) I have awards from various groups I have attended, I attend UT and completed a program and been through a few jobs and do you know out of all those things I have done, I don't stay in contact with many, maybe a handful of people...Why is that? Why do I push everyone away? The crazy thing is I have always felt that people didn't like me, I would hide behind my weight, Now that i could possibly be losing it, what will I hide behind??? I am in a Bad situation all the way around but, God knows I am trying to dig my way out of the mess I have become...I just hope I have the strength and will power to do everything it will take...

Not Sure but, Depressed maybe??/

OK I feel like I have not wrote in forever, Yesterday I left work Early because I had an appointment, After the appointment I ate dinner which was Green beans, 1 Chicken skewer, 1 slice of fresh orange, Once I got home I ended up going to walmart to buy dog food, wow what a visit to walmart..I was walking down the Christmas isle and almost cried, I can remember last year all the candy that I loved, I love white choc & peppermint, and white choc and dark Hersey's, and wow..I could name at least 25 that I was crazy about..I litterly almost cried thinking about how hard it will be to resist the temptation of those type things...I re famed from buying any but did buy a sheet of mints ( 130 calories for 6 of them ) That helped some..I was a lil down, I am not sure if it was because of the rain or just life..not really sure but, after I got home, I sat and worked on my coupons...I think I have a coupon for everything on my cooking list for Thanksgiving..and about8:30 I was like, I am rating something...I ate a cup of Curve Cereal and Soy Milk, and went to bed around 10pm, It was storming like crazy and I missed the computer but was scared to turn it on...

This Am ( Its 12:29pm now ) I came in and just feel kind of weird...I don't wanna talk and I don't want anyone to talk to me so I done the best thing..I Put My Ipod on and have had it on ALL morning and still have it one..I know this is a Mood swing because when I woke up I felt fine...For Breakfast I ate a Fiber 1 Bar and ate two "Fiber Choice" pills... I also snacked on three Mini rice cakes throughout the morning...

Michael has surprising acted pretty normal for the most part, we haven't really talked, That's probably why we have got along..That seems to do the trick..Like I said I have felt a lil weird, kind of depressed in a way...I have tried to pull myself out of it, This is the first time since I have been on my meds that I have felt like this, I am not sure if it has anything to do with it or not. It is possible but, I seriously doubt it..

I chatted with Mom last night which was nice, we talked for about an hour...she has been working and stays busy most of the time. well I guess I will see whats for lunch and see if I want to eat that or a meal bar

BTW, I have been thinking of joining weight watchers so I can attend the meetings, I found out they have them here in Knoxville, I think that's a positive way to keep me motivated through the Holiday...

A Pat on the back for Jennifer

OK I feel like I have negeted my blog although I just wrote yesterday at lunch, I like to be a little obsivive about writting so I can keep up with it all... :) Ok Lets start ummm when I left work yesterday ( I mainly read Hungry girl ALL day yesterday and a few blogs ) OK I left and head to class, ( I am in Tax Classes, I have to renew every year I am on my third year ) OK It was ok but I figured I better get my dinner before going or it would be way to late, so I stopped by Mickey D's and got Apple Dippers and a Grilled chicken wrap, I didn't even eat the tortilla, I just ate the lattace and the Meat..I only ate 1 smal package of the carmel, It was really good and made me want something sweet extremely BAD, sooooooo This is where NORMALLY I would have stopped by a store on the way home and grabbed a fast snack BUT...YEAHHH for Jennifer, I decided on going to Walmart and buying some snack foods for when I get a craving for "snack" foods...( I studyed the Hungry girl site to find some healthy alteritives ) I decided on..
1. Graduates, Finger Foods ( For Babies ) BECAUSE, you can eat 80 pieces and its only 25 calories and 0 calories from fat
2.Quaker Mini Delights buttered popcorn - Multigrain cakes 1 pack is 90 calories
3.Quakes Rice snacks - Caramel Corn You can have 7 mini cakes for 60 Calories 0 fat calories, They are Extremely good...
4. Weight Watchers - Yogart (Strawberry)
5. Curves Cerial w/ Soy Milk ( the curves was really good with only 100 calories per I think because I dont have the box but maybe a cup??? ) anyway and the Milk was 80z glass 50 Calories!!! Wow wee..I done my homework, anyway..After that trip I wasn't that hungry anymore but did grab a rice cake to see how it taste..Really good :) and I curved my sweet tooth $25 later ha ha

This mornings been fine, I have not taken my meds and still was not hungry this am, I did make myself eat 5 mini cakes...yummy breakfast... Other wise the moring has went well..My Boss just brought in alot of work so I better get working...will add more later on

Lunch time 11/13

The morning has been pretty uneventful, I have mainly sat in the office and looked at www.hungrygirl.com WOW thats a GREAT site, I have learned so much...shes so smart and knows whats shes talking about, I read all the way back to 2004!!! Anyway for lunch, I did eat...I went to the dinning room & decided on a piece of grilled chicken on a bed of lettace and a Aquafina "Alive" wellness water (10 Calories ) It was a decent lunch and I am "trying to eat at least eat a little every meal time. Anyway, I have class tonight which I am dreading as I always do, I HATE getting off work only to drive and sit for 4 hours...I think its crazy but, I think its an every year thing, I wish there was another way...well I am outta here, guess I will check out some blogs :)

Some Great reading this AM

Well its been a great morning I assume, I got up and walked in my living room and stoof there looking around..its looks great, I am excited to get some kind of change in it...The new couch is very comfortable and nice looking all the way around...I did get up a lil late this am and traffic was just terrible...Once I got to work ( 10 minutes late ) I was starvinggg I mean really hungry, I assume because I did not take my meds. So I gave in to my hunger haha, I went to the dinning rooma and grabed an englisg Mcmuffin with egg and cheese..I know not the healthiest thing I could have done.. BUT, I feel ok about it, I will just be careful the rest of the day, I feel like I ate a whole pizza or something...I have been doing some work but inbetwwen work I read this GREAT article..ad of course I will share with you..

Are You Losing At Least One Pound Per Week?
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you losing at least one pound per week? If diet and exercise are made priorities then it should be completely feasible to lose at least a pound per week.
It needs to be understood that a pound of bodyfat contains roughly 3500 calories and if one removes 500 excess calories a day then at least one pound will be lost until a goal weight is achieved. This doesn’t take regular exercise into consideration which means more weight can be lost.
As far as the diet is concerned, make sure you remove those 500 calories from superfluous food sources such as sodas which can be replaced with water or unsweetened tea. That’s easily 120-150 calories depending on the soda.
Instead of fries or chips, go with steamed vegetables instead. Vegetables and fruit are recommended for two reasons: Not only do they have fewer calories due to the water content but they contain considerably more vitamins and minerals than the unnecessary junk. The diet facet is certainly more challenging than exercise in terms of fighting off the calories.
While for most, exercise is the easier of the two, it is still a motivational challenge at times. Some days we are too busy, while other days simply leave us too tired. And while easier said than done, try not to fall into a rut like that.
One of the best aspects of exercise is that it can serve as one-stop shopping in terms of calorie reduction. For instance, an hour of jogging burns up to 900 calories! However, remember to use weights as well because building muscle is what boosts the metabolism in the long-term. Alone, an hour’s worth of weight training will burn 500 calories but the metabolic boost you get is unique only to resistance training.
Of course, one needs to remember to not only eat a nutritious protein and carbohydrate snack an hour after exercising but to eat enough calories throughout the day. Many, think starvation will lead to fat loss when exactly the opposite is true. The body must break down its own muscle tissue in an effort to maintain one’s metabolism since not enough calories are being eaten. When calories are lacking, body fat is hoarded and metabolisms are slowed down in order to conserve energy due to the fight-or-flight response.
Once a solid diet and exercise program has been established, removing 500 calories a day will become the healthy sidenote to an overall healthy lifestyle.

I put in yellow the thing that relates to me the most & Believe me thats me...Not that I am starving but, I have always felt I am eating WAY to much even when I eat a small amount....and thats not always true according to this article. I have also been taking "Fiber Choice" I am not sure that I need that much fiber BuT, I figured it couldn't hurt. Anyway, Things have been pretty ok so far but its earily yet...

Nighty Night

Ok sooo its been a while, i didn't have a chance to write at lunch, was really busy at work..Ok for lunch, I think i told you my meal the roasted turkey and green beans. the turkey was GREAT and made me look foward to Thanksgiving...SOO when I got home I place my couch and love seat on Freecycle.com because I got the new one, I had thought I was getting the matching reclyner but Michaels mom decided to keep it so I went down to buy me one...never decided on one soooo You know how that goes, If you knew me you would know I can never make up my mind...so Michael once again ate TWO friggin rib things at McDonalds AND a large fry PLUS ate my left overs, I had a simple grilled chicken soft taco...I bought two BUT ate 1, he ate the other..I came home and got all my christmas stuff started..Fun Fun, It does look very nice... Forgive me if I share this but Michael has decided he is half dead and that his foot will never heal...lol he is crazy sometimes. well nothing special to report..getting ready to head to bed.

Good morning, This morning has went well so far, I was awaken my my dad calling me ( He lives in another state, and I thought something was wrong so basicly I have been awake since 6am, so I am wide awake, I did decide on the way to work I might need coffee and although I have stopped drinking coffee, I got a small cup (Yes with cream :( ) When I got to work I was surprised with a lil gift bag sitting in my chair, wow I thought it might have been a mistake BUT, My friend Heather ( The one I went to the baby shower for last week ) , I opened it to find the CUTEST orniment that said the word "friend" on it, wow It made me feel really good and I rushed to Thank her, I told you all she was great...

I LOVEEE This site called "Hunger Girl" They had some GREAT ideas for snacks or I guess they could even be meals, I thought I would share..

Lean Pockets Whole Grain - With 16g of whole grain in each "pocket", these cheesy mini-meals come in Ham & Cheese, Meatballs & Mozzarella, and Supreme Pizza. Each one has 220 - 240 calories, 7g fat, and 3 - 4g fiber (POINTS® value 4 - 5*).
Chex 100 Calorie Snacks in Strawberry Yogurt - Creamy... fruity... crunchy... if you dig pre-portioned cerealish snack foods, these will make you happy. Each pouch contains 100 calories, 2.5g fat, and 0g fiber (POINTS® value 2*).

Dont those sound GREAT There were other as well... yummm...I did have a very emotional weekend and it makes me dread the weekends extremely bad but, Its over now and I am back at work, I feel so much safer in this lil office...No one to argue with and no one to put me down..
I got some GREAT & Encouraging e-mails in my box this weekend that help me so much, I can not begin to tell you what it means to me that I have people that care..Goes to show you there are wonderful people out there willing to lend a shoulder. Many thnaks go out to those people...I guess duty calls and I better get to work...OHH I feel no different with my meds...seriously no side affects whats - so ever...and I have not ate breaksfast..its 10:01am ...