You don't drown by falling in the water....

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"

Last night was not a good night & I figured it would not be..this is how it started..Work until 5:30 ~ School at 6pm until 9pm ~everything was not great but was ok up until this point, Michael picks me up and it down hill from that point, I won't go into detail about the whole conversation I will just say some things that were said that should not have calling me bitches & my mom a whore. He also told me he did not want to be there and I basically expressed I didn't want him there, He took off his ring ~ I took off mine End of story...kind of..as the night when on and he seen I was not going to cry he started trying to be nice after saying such mean things I couldn't image why he wanted to even be there but I have lived in this marriage and I know all the faces each one different Yet always the same. Sometimes I feel so helpless yet other times so strong..I feel I have been trapped in the past for too long and I am moving on, I just need to face it and realize as long as I am there he will never allow me to change. Sometimes I feel like half a woman, life has had me on my knees. I am definitely not a stranger to hard times, I just don't understand why they happen to me. I feel I have dealt with my ghost and faced all my demons and for once I am at peace with myself and my decisions...I finally feel content with the past I regret...I don't know what more to do anymore. I heard a song and wow the words hit me like a brick " Life has been patiently waiting for me" and I feel that so relates to me. Life has been waiting for me, at some point in my life "I" have to fit in it, I have been living for so many others yet neglected myself and my feelings. I have not done the things I know I could because of other people opinions. I feel there comes a time in everyones life all you see is the years passing you by & never doing what you want to know for yourself, like a ship with no sail or a bird with no wings you start feeling helpless and alone..It gets harder it seems the older you get. At this point I don't know which way to turn, I have so much going and just feel so overwhelmed. Knowing what I want & need to do yet staying seems so much easier. I know I deserve better of of course I have heard from others how much better off I would be and its not that I don't or think I I could make it on my own that scares me but "failing" is what scares me..Lil things Like I need a steady job & stuff like that, not that he has ever helped me but, being alone in a struggle is harder, trust me, I have done that. I have been through so much more then I could tell people but, this marriage has still topped my list of hard things to deal with, Its all the verbal, mental & Physical abuse I have dealt with so many times in my life and being with Michael sort of made it feel "normal" I don't want someone that trys to control me yet always end up with that type of person feeling like I have to have someone to control me to love me..The fact is..We don't love each other and are basically using each other, he is using me as a meal ticket and I place to live, somewhere to get money and someone to abuse and I use him just so that I will not "feel" alone but in reality..I am alone and have been. I am so confused and stressed out and try to go on like I am fine yet...I am not. The truth is I want and need this diet yet ~ I feel as if I am not doing it correctly, I want and need a divorce ~ yet I am scared to death, I want and need my Dad ~ He don't need me I mean there is so much more...I guess I had to lose myself to figure out the marriage was going no where, Maybe one day I will find forgiveness somewhere down this road but, I have held so much inside...I may not be able to. Its sad when I had to lose myself to figure out he's not worth working for