Good Morning either way...

Life sure is different these days, I mean things chnage for me daily and some days for the good and others I just wanna scream, I did however find out some important information..Ok I was told by a medical professional a fews ago that I have PCOS and I have just learn to deal with that fact that I may never concieve, Its been well over a year with no cycle etc well I have been so concern about this Bi - polar that I never stopped to think, hey it may be my hormones going NUTTS! well...to make a very long story short...I am having one and a VERY Bad one so MAYBE Jus maybe thats it :) so I May be pretty normal / well sort of ...

My Job is great, The Mountains on my way to work always seem to make me smile, they were beautiful today with the fog surrounding them. I wish i had time to have a picnic alone with a good book, seems there aren't enough hours in the day.

My Dogs are acting a bit weird, I guess I freaked Luda out yesterday, after cleaning my house all morning long, I had to leave for work..I have been putting her in the kennel ( Inside cage type thing ) anyway, she has a way of escaping ...anyway while at work yesterday she did and got into the trash, after getting home last night, I walked in to the mes she made and just sat in the florr and CRIED and CRIED, she had no idea what was wrong with me, the funny thing is neither did I.. Sad but True when we went to bed she was back to normal however, I felt extremly guilty and still have no earthly idea why I cried over a dog make a mess... Maybe I just needed it because afterwards I felt much better.

I did have time to get my bills fixed for next month and take some "me" time, I am reading a GREAT book..by Valerie Bertinelli " Losing It - and gaining my life back one pound at a time..." wow GREAT book, I can relate to alot of her comments about the FAT thing ha ha..

OK well off and running for the day...

Are Mornings my best friend now???

Ok I admitt that I use to HATE so very much getting up earily, but at least it wasn't this earily but somehow I am starting to enjoy my mornings, I have a Long commute, I am in a whole new area, I am learning new things in a wonderful and rewarding position...wow need I say more?? I thought it was amazing that I got such a Great position, Myself..without anyone...wow I am proud of myself...

I admitt I miss my old position as far as people BUT would not trade for anything in the world now...

Got Gas..umm Ok I filled UP for $26 wow thats totally amazing I mean just amazing I was so excited....I mean I am just not use to filling up with that small amount and STILL drive almost more then before...

Eating I did not do that wonderful yesterday considering on th eway out the door I ate a pack of donuts lol BUT its gonna take some time, I do feel I am mentally ready to get geared back up and lose more weight for Summer!!!

better Days ahead

I Now see that there might be better days a head and maybe JUST maybe things might work out for the better, sometimes I get so lost in emotion that I think I might just drive myself nuts...I may need to get ahold on myself, my weight and start all over, I have some how let go of the things that mean so much to me, I was blinded by things that did not matter to begin with, My life seems so strange to me, yet I sit down and talk to a trained professional and they say I have seen a million of you, thats so shocking to me. I Pray that My life gets where its headed, I pray that I not let this " " get ahold of me, Thats why I feel I am so sucessfull at Jobs, I put so much into it how could I not be??? as for weight I am not sure what I weigh but I think that I will start fresh once I get my New job up and going and everything calms down a bit..There will be a better day, one day i will meet someone who won't use me and treat me as if I am a Nobody, someone who will love me for the woman I am, and the woman I will be...I will rise above this and I will SUCEED!!!

So much has happen, what next?

I have always known something was not right, I have not ever truly been happy..or at peace with myself, I have always wanted something more but it was always out of my reach..I mean I keep reaching, I sometimes would do everything it takes...But I would always fail in someway. I have had so many people come and go in my life, some I have cared so much more and NEVER thought I would lose them...But I some how pushed them away...and now I have hardly no body. I went to the Dr recently for depression & problems with sleep and before I could finish what I was saying, he tagged my disorder...Bi- Polar, I was in shocked that day to hear it being said, and ya know some say, Its not you...BUT I have been studing it and that is it! I fit the profile to a tee..I cried as I left..I hurt knowing that I could possible be a bit on the crazy side but..although I am pretty normal, I have my moments where I lose "me" and find myself on my knees begging God to take me.
This Jourrnal started as a weight loss journal..I put my all in it BUT after a while I gave up because I felt it was so far out of my reach...I did it for a while but...now its harder... Either way..alot has change..to make a long story short...
I got sick for almost a month straight, I ran into someone from my past that really screwed me up emotionally and I lost my Job. I mean theres more but thats enough for now...

Wow life is crazy

wow life has changed so much for me and it seems more and more I think I might be driving myself crazy, always to one extreme or another...I always have my fight face on yet inside its raining. Its kinda nuts, for one person to struggle so much emotional is nuts but I keep telling myself I am half way there, I am half way there and soon I am sure..I will say I am finally there...I was reading through some blogs today and came accross on that touched me...inspired me to get off my ass and do some writing, it always helped before...soo it should still help. anyway I will post it in my favorites I assume...I have been working 7 days a week 70 hours a week, its just too much sometimes...Luda is good and I now have pups that seem to be ok but with what I went through with kilo, I wanna make sure so I will be getting shots this afternoon just to make sure

man ole man how things can change in the blink of an eye

Ok well So much has changed where do I begin..My kilo passed the rainbow bridge and wow it was hard, I never knew that I would be so attached to a dog but he was a special dog one that has been with me through a rough time soo I am haoping and praything I made the right decicision..I got another dog today..Her name is Luda and a very special angel she is..I have been bonding great with her and wow what a wonderful Loving dog... I went to the shelter and would have LOVED to take home a few of them but for right now felt I better stick with one that I can bond with..she seems to have a hard past and I can relate with her on that level and she is extremly scared which..I am there with her on thet one to...here she is..This is Luda... Beautiful huh and I feel Kilo sent her from heaven... wow I like her already...ha ha Shes does not seem to like Michael much and keeps a close eye on him...ha ha Can you say ATTACK!!! ha ha
Anyway..emotionally I am a wreck..Eating well a wreck and over all a WRECK> still working two jobs to make it and making myself deal with my situation until I can fix it...

I had a blast from my past and wow...OK I will not go there right now but Its causeing some weird feelings..will explain when I feel I can get out thr right words...

Watching Kilo die in my arms hurt and my heart is wounded...Life is weird right now and I need something to ease my stress but theres no way out at this point and I feel I am stuck in a weird situation...

Kilo

He may have a chance..I just talk to michael who taked to a vet thats willing to put Kil on Iv and admitt him, which gives him a better chance at survival...He will go this afternoon... LORD please let this work...I love him so much