Took a Long look and.....

OK Soo I am about 240 Pounds..Finally took a LONG look in the mirror and I just dont wanna be this way much longer!!! I can NOT deal with it SOOOO I have made an appointment to once again get the weight off! Can I do it?? who knows, maybe I will do it just to prove people wrong!!! ha ha Thats how I roll LOL!
Things have been hard lately so hard that I haven't taken the time to find myself..I think I have once again lost "Me" If you look back at my post in 2007 you would see I NEED this! I KNow I can do it, its a matter of do I want to look like this forever NO HELL NO I dont and if it takes medication to help me through...well thats what I plan to do! I look MISERABLE I am tired of being PLUS size... NO Cloths...No life just FAT! I am over it and I refuse to stay like this so I VOW from THIS day 6/28 to LOSE the weight again... I am not telling other people...I want to do this for MEEEE I am TIRED of the Fatness..Food is NOT that important to me yet I eat it like its going out of style! So I am on a mission, we will see how far I get ha ha

Life & Murder?

If you could see inside my heart...You would see right now its broken...Its been a while since I wrote and for a good reason... wel lets say several good reasons but I will touch on the main ones...My Mother in law, whom ment so very much to me passed away, 6 weeks later on May 7th My husbands Grandmother was Murdered in her home. I have went through a series of emotions...so its been tough to put in words. I went from being scared out of my mind to crying my eyes out. While in court I stared them down and when I left..I just cried that they should no emotion, how could you hit her, shot her and cut her throat and show NO emotion at all!! HOW? I am ANGRY, I am HURT and I am still in shock that something like this could happen...Not only has this taken place but everything else has came about Its a long story and I just cant talk anout it now...

It will be a Miracle!

Well again I find my self in a screwed up position, I wish that I could get ahold of myself and deal with things before they get worse. I am in a Job that may not last, with a husband that don't love me and my mental illness is out of control NOT to mention I have gained more weight then I ever have..I am sooo worried that I won't make it. Just tired of trying to make everyone else happy. I am am NOT happy with my life right now...I am starting to feel the loneless that I am so custom to. I want a good healthy marriage, I want a FAMILY meaning a child to call my own, I want to lose weight, I dont want to NEED medicine BUT it seems things are not working out that way! I just dont know HOW to change things...truthfully I want to change but HOW? people give me there opnions and I WISH I was strong enough to do all the things they say I should But I can't I am truthfully not strong enough.

Mothers day is coming up and I am taking my mom out to eat, I am hoping that give me a lil time away with someone different but shes always tried to give me her opinion to so I won't even bring michael up so I don't have to hear it. I pray that time will heal mt life but I just don't see it...I went through 10 years of HELL and then I meet someone went through years of hell now just someone else to do the same thing....I am sooo Stress out I hope I can get some peace in my heart at some point, all I want is to find that "peace" that I am looking for with someone who love me for the person I am and who respects me for the things I have been through, that's interested in the same things I am and whose looking for the same things out of life that I am. Someone willing to share responsibilities and who wants something out of life. That will be a miracle I am sure but thats what I am looking for....

No body said it would be easy but its been a rough road will millions of bumps and I want a smooth road at some point one I can remember.

Weird day

well what an amazing movie I watched tonight, it was nice but I could see that it upset michael to get a glimpse of what heaven may be like, It was great! The Lovely bones...just great! Today, It was a weird day I am having a hard time getting use to not working two jobs, just seems like I have so much free time on my hands..guess that could be good BUT you know its wild... My dogs are getting fixed tomarrow and I have to be up earily yet here I sit, I still feel kind of sick and miserable...I am trying to well never mind will write more tomarrow

My big fat ass!

amazing that I can read back through my post and say, did I write this? Is this how I felt at that point in my life? if soooo WOW is all I can say! so much has changed and I am assuming my feelings about certain situations have changed as well..first thing thats happened...My Mother in Law passes away and boy, that was a world wind of craziness!!!! My husband took it really hard and is still going through the depressing states of it all.
I am STILL working trying to maintain normal life although its tougher then I thought! I have been struggling with my emotions and how I feel about certain things. #1 My husband #2 My big fat ass!!! I mean I am HUGE, fatter then I was when I first started this journal, I have no idea where all the strengh came from then but I LOST it somewhere down the road! NOW, I feel TIRED and HUGE! I went to walk my dog and by the time I got around the park...I was almost dead! I have gotta getta grip before I lose complete control!
WORKS just work, tax season is finally over and I am just working the one job, after work in the afternoons I am like, what??? I am home WTF! ok so I better get back to work, maybe I will start writing again, I use to love it now, its like I dont wanna do anything...SAd!

What got into me???

Ok soo WOW, I went to get a meal, Sat downd stuffed my face with Cooked cabbage, Mac & Cheese, Broc Cassrole, Creamed corn, corn bread and YES Pineapple walnut salad! WOW THEN, I got back to the office...Had not even thought of losing weight, was at the office 10 minutes at the most...jumped in my car and went down to a weight loss clinic...without even thinking twice about it went in! soooo now what? Do I start another diet? Do I continue on FAT and try to pretend I am happy? WHAT should I do??? I think I may give it some thought and well, maybe...JUST Maybe I will loose some weight again...hummm would be nice to get into some of my old cloths that I never even got to wear!

Seems I pick jobs like I pick men!

Hospital visit, working two jobs, very lil sleep...wow soooo tired and sleepy that I could barly hold my head up this morning. Its been a crazy morning, slept until about 10 minutes before times to leave. I am SURE that I need a day off...The hospital visits are Scary! She has tubes everywhere and it make me realize anything can happen at anytime. I can't understand why my husband seems so distant toward her, when he goes to the hospital, its like he has No emotion yet thats his mother on life support, it not only concerns me BUT scares me...What if that were me? would he be emotionless? would he stay at home worring about himself instead of at the hospital? I guess people deal with things differently but, the very thought of getting sick scares me if I am married to him...
Work has been interesting lately, a never ending battle to gain a lil respect! I doubt it will ever happen with the boss that I have now. I do my best YET, thats not good enough...seems to be the story of my life. Seems I pick my jobs like my men! Its crazy! Havent started the meds yet, just way to much going on to deal with a new medication but will soon. Ok soo guess I will get busy with my not so great job!