A fresh New beginning

I would have to say that things have changed more in my life this year then any other year ever! Michael and I are now in cousling and working on our marriage, he is on a journey to becoming clean and healthy and hopefully this is the beginning of a whole new world for us. I sat this morning and decided to read my past post on this blog and wow, what a miserable and sad person I was. I thought about deleteing it and starting out fresh however, I didnt and I didnt because I felt that it is important for me to rememeber how I was thinking and feeling at that point and time in my life.

My weight loss is still a huge struggle and I can honestly say I am at a miserable weight at this point but hopefully thats all about to change as well. I went down and signed up for the YMCA I am hoping to get approved for that and michael and I could do it together! I would LOVE to do that. I def. want to do it without the medication because obviously I just gained the weight back so it was a pointless thing. I have been tanning lately and that makes me feel a little better about myself but not much.

As for work its at the end of tax season and Yeah, well no job again after the season..sorta stress me out but Its something I will have to take one day at a time. I am sure I will find myself back here again crying and trying to keep up with my thoughts. Guess I will check out some of the blogs I have lost out on.

Today is Cold

Well Thats where I slept last night, I wrote a 4 page letter and poured out my heart and he acted like I didn't even write a letter, he got up - left again and of course I have not seen him. I know that I have made the decision to ignore the fact that he is treating me this way and move on, Thats all I know to do. I slept on the couch and cried myself to sleep. He slept in the bed comfortable knowing that I was hurt and done nothing except get up and leave when the morning come. I just dont know what to do anymore. Yesterday was NOT a good day for me and my diet reflected that! when he got here I left, and got me something to eat - yeah when I say something to eat I mean a steamed ham & cheese with a mt dew to drink and then came back and ate Ice cream. I was just so very depressed and miserable that I couldnt stop myself. It was like I said screw it.
Today has been a different story, I left and got a few things done. I was content until I walked in the house. I just feel such an emptness beyong belief. When I am home I start getting depressed and start thinking about what a screwed up situation I have ended up in. I just feel I deserve more then that..I guess he dont feel that way. I guess he feels I deserve to be treated as if I am a No body..This is so frustrating..I feel like I have no one that cares whats going on..The truth is I have not been happy in a very long time, I hang on because I feel so alone and forgotten, I wanna walk away more then anything, I am just scared..maybe of being alone..I am not sure I just know I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Food, I think is... comfort..I use it as a tool I know thats the wrong thing but thats the truth..

Today is cold

Good morning so far

Good Morning world I guess, I woke up, I feel ok jus kinda blank but I am fine..I woke VERY hungry, Of course I ate the WRONG thing..But I ate a VERY smal portion and I know that part of my problem was portion control. Anyway I ate about 5 crackers and I am now fine..Michael of course left to be with his grandmother and I am left at the house all day with nothing to do..To be honest I kinda like it today..I needed the time. I was thinking that maybe I will eat subway today...Not sure yet

Readin up..

When I was 207 pounds and I started this journey I use to read everyones elses blogs and somehow it helped me..I have missed out on so much..I went to several tonight just reading up on everyone and wow everyones still around for the most part..it was fun to spend a couple hours reading about everyone elses life..I am excited to get my diet back on track..

Talk to an old friend tonight wow, it was wild to hear her voice but it was good o know shes doing good. I have missed talking to her..we talked for a long time but it doubtfull I will ever hear from her again..was nice to have someone listen for a minute..
although I am in the house with my husband I feel so alone...I tried talking to him tonight about a job situation but he completely ingored me..kinda like I wasn't even in the room... Its sooo frustrating to deal with that but I will move and and be ok...anyway Guess I will go on My Space and then off to bed

Loney Day

well I tell you one thing I am so sick of feeling used..I stay so very lonely and at times its unbarable. I am married and although I love him, I know he is not with me for "Love" he uses me and I know that he is just not in love with me..no matter what I refuse to force myself on him so I just go about my way and pretend all is well..as hard as that is..I do it..I wish he could see that he is hurting me..and I know even if he did know..he wouldnt even care..He is very cold and has so much anger..
enough about that..My diet..I guess I have done Ok however, when I went over to my mother in laws and got on her scales I noticed it was in the same spot as last week..I would have thought I lost at least a couple pounds but..Ohh well I only can do so much..I mean I am eating right..of course I have my days...just like anyone else struggling with food issues..but for the most part I know I want it bad enough and will do what it takes to make it happen.
I cleaned house today until my back feels really bad..I think alot has to do with the amount of stress I am under...I am jobless, with a man that does not love me & I am not happy with my body as far as weight, hair looksin general...OMG I guess I am rambling bout the same crap...I guess I just never seen my life this way..I have the will power to make things happen..yet there not and I just dont know where I am going wrong...I guess I will jump in the shower and ponder on tha...

Hard to believe

wow, Its so hard to believe that Its september and I am writing..so much has happened and I came so far then somewhere along the way I lost my way again..It seems to happen that way. I am amazed at how fast situation come and go in my life. I look back and realize the things that mattered most then just seem to disappear and I have new things that have my attention. One thing I done was lost focus..I forgot who I was fighting for, me! as much as I wish I could say things are better..well I cant because that would be a lie..I did however loose weight, not near what I want to lose but I lost some...It dont feel like it because I would look at myself in disbelief..I was hugeee but..I was taking some pictures just the other day and wow..I really dont look that bad But, I'm in no way healthy so I am back on the good ole diet...wow been here..Its much harder now because I am not working and the stress level is up but I done it before I Know I can do it again...its just a matter of believing in myself..Hopefully I will get my journal updated...I now have my computer back at home which will make it much easier...

LOngggg time..But I am back

Ok so its been a long time since I was here but so much has changed..I have such a different life now. I started this journey wanting to lose weight and get to know myself but I found out much more then I wanted to know..now I am dealing with all the emotional stuff that goes along with that..its been a long crazy ride but I am ready to get things back where I want them...I need to find myself in this world and figure out what I wanna do with this crazy life of mine...