OK When I am at work, I have better self control...which means ok weekends I always end up messing up some how, also..I am away from The drama that I love with and I don't have people asking for my help when I have so much to do myself...speaking of my Mother in Law of course, since her surgry I have moved her, unpacked her, cleaned her house, helped her dress herself & feed her...wow it was just hand surgry..on one hand...I spent my whole weekend trying to make everyone else happy and it seems that happens alot..I am consently doing whatever everyone wants and I neglect to get what I need to do, done...Eating Saturday was not too bad, I mean I ate egg beaters and whole wheet toast with promise, That afternoon...I ate Subway a 6 inch turkey BUT I messed up and put pil and olives on it ohh and cheese!!! Why I don't even know...I just said it before I thought about it...Now SUNDAY was BADDD eating waise...well the whole day in general was bad..anyway I cooked what she ask me to..sloppy joes & fried green tomatos! well of course I ate a sandwich and two of the tomatos!!! I told you I HATE weekends...Its just so stressful!
Today has been better although I honestly felt like crap trying to get up :( But I made it up...and to work ontime. was so bad because I put $15 in gas and it was on empty where my husband made a pointless trip and ran all the gass out. .well I will stop gripping..I know its annoying to me too...Ok I take it back I hate weekends and mondays
Monday, December 10, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
You don't drown by falling in the water....
"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"
Last night was not a good night & I figured it would not be..this is how it started..Work until 5:30 ~ School at 6pm until 9pm ~everything was not great but was ok up until this point, Michael picks me up and it down hill from that point, I won't go into detail about the whole conversation I will just say some things that were said that should not have calling me bitches & my mom a whore. He also told me he did not want to be there and I basically expressed I didn't want him there, He took off his ring ~ I took off mine End of story...kind of..as the night when on and he seen I was not going to cry he started trying to be nice after saying such mean things I couldn't image why he wanted to even be there but I have lived in this marriage and I know all the faces each one different Yet always the same. Sometimes I feel so helpless yet other times so strong..I feel I have been trapped in the past for too long and I am moving on, I just need to face it and realize as long as I am there he will never allow me to change. Sometimes I feel like half a woman, life has had me on my knees. I am definitely not a stranger to hard times, I just don't understand why they happen to me. I feel I have dealt with my ghost and faced all my demons and for once I am at peace with myself and my decisions...I finally feel content with the past I regret...I don't know what more to do anymore. I heard a song and wow the words hit me like a brick " Life has been patiently waiting for me" and I feel that so relates to me. Life has been waiting for me, at some point in my life "I" have to fit in it, I have been living for so many others yet neglected myself and my feelings. I have not done the things I know I could because of other people opinions. I feel there comes a time in everyones life all you see is the years passing you by & never doing what you want to know for yourself, like a ship with no sail or a bird with no wings you start feeling helpless and alone..It gets harder it seems the older you get. At this point I don't know which way to turn, I have so much going and just feel so overwhelmed. Knowing what I want & need to do yet staying seems so much easier. I know I deserve better of of course I have heard from others how much better off I would be and its not that I don't or think I I could make it on my own that scares me but "failing" is what scares me..Lil things Like I need a steady job & stuff like that, not that he has ever helped me but, being alone in a struggle is harder, trust me, I have done that. I have been through so much more then I could tell people but, this marriage has still topped my list of hard things to deal with, Its all the verbal, mental & Physical abuse I have dealt with so many times in my life and being with Michael sort of made it feel "normal" I don't want someone that trys to control me yet always end up with that type of person feeling like I have to have someone to control me to love me..The fact is..We don't love each other and are basically using each other, he is using me as a meal ticket and I place to live, somewhere to get money and someone to abuse and I use him just so that I will not "feel" alone but in reality..I am alone and have been. I am so confused and stressed out and try to go on like I am fine yet...I am not. The truth is I want and need this diet yet ~ I feel as if I am not doing it correctly, I want and need a divorce ~ yet I am scared to death, I want and need my Dad ~ He don't need me I mean there is so much more...I guess I had to lose myself to figure out the marriage was going no where, Maybe one day I will find forgiveness somewhere down this road but, I have held so much inside...I may not be able to. Its sad when I had to lose myself to figure out he's not worth working for
Last night was not a good night & I figured it would not be..this is how it started..Work until 5:30 ~ School at 6pm until 9pm ~everything was not great but was ok up until this point, Michael picks me up and it down hill from that point, I won't go into detail about the whole conversation I will just say some things that were said that should not have calling me bitches & my mom a whore. He also told me he did not want to be there and I basically expressed I didn't want him there, He took off his ring ~ I took off mine End of story...kind of..as the night when on and he seen I was not going to cry he started trying to be nice after saying such mean things I couldn't image why he wanted to even be there but I have lived in this marriage and I know all the faces each one different Yet always the same. Sometimes I feel so helpless yet other times so strong..I feel I have been trapped in the past for too long and I am moving on, I just need to face it and realize as long as I am there he will never allow me to change. Sometimes I feel like half a woman, life has had me on my knees. I am definitely not a stranger to hard times, I just don't understand why they happen to me. I feel I have dealt with my ghost and faced all my demons and for once I am at peace with myself and my decisions...I finally feel content with the past I regret...I don't know what more to do anymore. I heard a song and wow the words hit me like a brick " Life has been patiently waiting for me" and I feel that so relates to me. Life has been waiting for me, at some point in my life "I" have to fit in it, I have been living for so many others yet neglected myself and my feelings. I have not done the things I know I could because of other people opinions. I feel there comes a time in everyones life all you see is the years passing you by & never doing what you want to know for yourself, like a ship with no sail or a bird with no wings you start feeling helpless and alone..It gets harder it seems the older you get. At this point I don't know which way to turn, I have so much going and just feel so overwhelmed. Knowing what I want & need to do yet staying seems so much easier. I know I deserve better of of course I have heard from others how much better off I would be and its not that I don't or think I I could make it on my own that scares me but "failing" is what scares me..Lil things Like I need a steady job & stuff like that, not that he has ever helped me but, being alone in a struggle is harder, trust me, I have done that. I have been through so much more then I could tell people but, this marriage has still topped my list of hard things to deal with, Its all the verbal, mental & Physical abuse I have dealt with so many times in my life and being with Michael sort of made it feel "normal" I don't want someone that trys to control me yet always end up with that type of person feeling like I have to have someone to control me to love me..The fact is..We don't love each other and are basically using each other, he is using me as a meal ticket and I place to live, somewhere to get money and someone to abuse and I use him just so that I will not "feel" alone but in reality..I am alone and have been. I am so confused and stressed out and try to go on like I am fine yet...I am not. The truth is I want and need this diet yet ~ I feel as if I am not doing it correctly, I want and need a divorce ~ yet I am scared to death, I want and need my Dad ~ He don't need me I mean there is so much more...I guess I had to lose myself to figure out the marriage was going no where, Maybe one day I will find forgiveness somewhere down this road but, I have held so much inside...I may not be able to. Its sad when I had to lose myself to figure out he's not worth working for
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Hummm I am here, kind of
Things have been a lil on the crazy side, seems I don't have a second to stop and do anything anymore...I guess it just because it is December OK food..I ate Great today..salad with chicken breast and I have been drinking plenty of water...so I have done good..Lets hope I eat a good supper and not do like I done last night and not eat anything... I am off to class
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
This is NOT good
Supercharge Your Weight Loss By
Eating More Food!
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you eating enough calories on a daily basis???
While many people are eating too much, many are actually eating too few calories. The fact is, our bodies have a minimum energy requirement that does no more than maintain one’s vital functions while at rest.This is called one’s basal metabolic rate.
If you regularly restrict calories then your body establishes a new, lower, metabolic set point. This essentially determines how fast your metabolism is.
By lowering your metabolic set point, you store fat more easily since your body can no longer burn excess calories as well as it once could. Other than allowing for a slower metabolism, here are some more serious side effects that can accompany restrictive diets:
kidney damage
liver damage
dehydration
muscle loss
ketoacidosis
While the kidneys and liver ordinarily serve as complex processing plants, their normal functions can be compromised due to the muscle and organ tissue that has to be broken down just to maintain the basal metabolic rate.
This puts undue stress on the kidneys and liver which when left unchecked could lead to unbalanced pH levels in the blood. The broken down tissue comes as a result of the body’s lack of blood sugar that comes from a proper, healthier diet and can become fatal if the restrictive diet is prolonged and extreme enough in its restrictions.
If you are curious as what a healthy caloric requirement would be, then use the calculator provided on the West Virginia Dietetic Association’s website (http://www.wvda.org/calcs/fcals.htm).
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you eating enough calories on a daily basis???
While many people are eating too much, many are actually eating too few calories. The fact is, our bodies have a minimum energy requirement that does no more than maintain one’s vital functions while at rest.This is called one’s basal metabolic rate.
If you regularly restrict calories then your body establishes a new, lower, metabolic set point. This essentially determines how fast your metabolism is.
By lowering your metabolic set point, you store fat more easily since your body can no longer burn excess calories as well as it once could. Other than allowing for a slower metabolism, here are some more serious side effects that can accompany restrictive diets:
kidney damage
liver damage
dehydration
muscle loss
ketoacidosis
While the kidneys and liver ordinarily serve as complex processing plants, their normal functions can be compromised due to the muscle and organ tissue that has to be broken down just to maintain the basal metabolic rate.
This puts undue stress on the kidneys and liver which when left unchecked could lead to unbalanced pH levels in the blood. The broken down tissue comes as a result of the body’s lack of blood sugar that comes from a proper, healthier diet and can become fatal if the restrictive diet is prolonged and extreme enough in its restrictions.
If you are curious as what a healthy caloric requirement would be, then use the calculator provided on the West Virginia Dietetic Association’s website (http://www.wvda.org/calcs/fcals.htm).
Ok So, I Read this article & Wow, Ok soo I don't get enough calories, on some days and the days I do I splurge a bit to get them... I am not doing well at all, its hard to explain what I am feeling..I guess you go through a stage where your like " ok I am losing now what do I do different" I am extremly worried about what I am doing wrong, Last night I done something I have NEVER done just because I am becoming sooo scared of gaining...Ok its like this for a MONTH straight I have ate VERY healthy with the exception of Thanksgiving day and I had to many calories, anyway and things with NO taste are not pleasing to me and that make me not want to eat which in turn makes me eat fewer calories then I am supppose to. anyway, I am starting FRESH today ; as of today I am going to make myself eat even if I feel like I am not hungry..My food journal has to stay updated or else I can't do this so this AM I ate an apple, For lunch, which is now lol I am eating Stemed Broc, Callif & Carrots, A piece of grilled chicken and a Banana..so Thats Meat, veggies, fruit & Water... I am eating throught the day.
Well last night something happened and I guess I need to confess, Ok in defense I have had so much going home that I have not been getting home until late like really late..so I go to work get off at 5 and then off to class until 10 and still had to drive to my mother in laws - so through all that, I forgot to eat - NORMALLY I would have (since I have been on my diet) just go to bed since it was so late but LAST NIGHT...I stopped and ate an ARBYS! OMG I felt sooo weird about it that I went straight home and took a laxative!!! ( I told you I have never done that before)...I think I am becoming obessed with the whole weight thing, I am not sure how I feel I just know I never wanna be that weight again! Anyway its a new day I have done great today and eating was a lil better soo thats a plus.
I did spend the morning chatting with my co worker, which took a load off my mind, I have always heard if your stress out and need release tell it to someone who doesn't care about the situation, It not only gets it off your mind it helps the healing process...Have a great day!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Another BAD night..
Ok well after the lunch ordeal I was kinda sick soo I didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and I see we don't do that, after I got home, Michael Mom called and ask if we would help her move...WOW long drive well we done it because she needed the help..After that I was starving to death where I had not ate most of the day, I ended up AGAIN messing up and going to get a Krystal!!!! Well to confess TWO of them! IT was NASTY BUT, I was starving!!! I needed something! So, I got to bed and wake up this morning and of course it was a bad morning! I woke up hungry, I ATE A RICE CAKE!!! lol I was like, NOPE I will not give in again...I took my Benefiber & My meds and off to work I went...I will not let this FAT drag me any lower then I have been in the past, I just can't and won't!!! I am tired of being huge, and crying when I look in the mirror, and Trying to AVOID the summer months! Thats a HUGE thing SUMMER, I hated to see it coming, as least in the winter I could sort of cover all this up, but it was getting to the point where I couldn't, I know I lost last month but I have had a few mess up's this month that might make a HUGE difference in how much I lose...Its kind of depressing and after a while eating the same ole same ole gets old...Its Sad when I can't wait on Christmas just to have an excuse to eat something good..
Work has gotten a lil busy thats why I feel I have negeted my writing and maybe thats why I am not eating properly...I have GOT to do this for myself...I want to feel good about myself and not feel so ashamed of how I look.. I want to feel good and KNOW I am healthy, I think I deserve it...
I have been online just not near as much, mainly because I feel like I am consently doing something and its driving me insane! Like today I work all day, get off, go to class and then to help my mother in law move again...I won't get home until really late and I will be dead tired. I have to get better at logging food...I might get a food journal...
Work has gotten a lil busy thats why I feel I have negeted my writing and maybe thats why I am not eating properly...I have GOT to do this for myself...I want to feel good about myself and not feel so ashamed of how I look.. I want to feel good and KNOW I am healthy, I think I deserve it...
I have been online just not near as much, mainly because I feel like I am consently doing something and its driving me insane! Like today I work all day, get off, go to class and then to help my mother in law move again...I won't get home until really late and I will be dead tired. I have to get better at logging food...I might get a food journal...
Monday, December 3, 2007
VERY busy morning...
I have been so busy this morning that I have hardly had time to think, I am pretty stressed about some issues and I guess I needed to stay busy. I did not feel that great when I woke this AM, I have a sore throat and just didn't feel well, I decided to eat a banana on the way to work, I thought maybe that would make me feel bette since yesterday I ate a small handburger from Mcdonalds, I have felt so bad since that lil thing!!! I guess mainly because I feel I lost control...WHAT was I thinking!!!!! I only ate a Chicken wrap, banana, orange and that lil Handburger!!! Nasty, but it did taste Ok...Just because I was craving salt...anyway I am back on track today I hope and plan to eat healthy today to make up for it... I brought my rice cakes incause I had a craving for something sweet...
Lunch - 12:15 and decdided to do lunch in the dining room they were having chicken and beef Faitias and I got a wrap with Lettace and grilled chicken, I ask for a very SMALL amount of cheese however, people do not understand "porton size" so I ended up with this HUGEEE wrap which looks soo nasty to me! I mean just gross..got back and started to eat it but the wrap stunk! I mean maybe its just me but it was NASTY smelling so I decided to take the wrap off just put the chicken and lettace togather and there was a hair in it, it turned my stomcah now I feel soo sick, I ate a VERY small porton of was not affected but couldn't help but think it might have touched it so I threw it away! Tought me a lession..NEVER order from the hot bar there!
Lunch - 12:15 and decdided to do lunch in the dining room they were having chicken and beef Faitias and I got a wrap with Lettace and grilled chicken, I ask for a very SMALL amount of cheese however, people do not understand "porton size" so I ended up with this HUGEEE wrap which looks soo nasty to me! I mean just gross..got back and started to eat it but the wrap stunk! I mean maybe its just me but it was NASTY smelling so I decided to take the wrap off just put the chicken and lettace togather and there was a hair in it, it turned my stomcah now I feel soo sick, I ate a VERY small porton of was not affected but couldn't help but think it might have touched it so I threw it away! Tought me a lession..NEVER order from the hot bar there!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Roasting Marshmellows?????
Saturday - I found ups and downs, eating habits are going ok, I did eat soe hamburger helper which was not good but I sub milk for water and used no fat stuff, hopefully that helped, Michael's Grandmother is still is the hospital and doesn't seem to be doing well...& My Step mom is in the hospital in Ga so things have been somewhat tense...I did get to spend some much needed alone time today shopping and such which I enjoyed. Michael was sort of a jerk today but thats not surprising huh...I have kept a headache for two days now and thats really pretty stressful as well... Last night Michael and i did go to the show I was speaking of, everyone looked so happy and excited and of course michael kind of acted miserable, I did try to enjoy myself and toward the end of the night things did get much better, I took some pictures to share..OHHH I ate a marshmellow!!! just 1 but WOWWW it was so good had to get my picture roasting it.
I had an ok time but felt really alone and like I should have been there by myself.Ran into a friend at Walmart, she mention that I looked like I was losing weight...That made me VERY happy!!! I was excited..I even went shopping again today...Just to buy smaller jeans and believe it or not they fit me better, I am noticing BIG changes with my Fat?? Ekkk its just there, I mean yeah I am losing the weight but now theres FLAB everywhere ha ha ha I will deal with the flab, once I am at my goal weight.
I know that I am having other problems. I hope that its not serious but when I went to use the batheroom I noticed Blood in my stool, and ALOT of it, I went to the Pharmacy last night and talked to him and he suggested a stool softner so, I decided that maybe I should...Seems like I am having problems going to the bather room, I checked and it is a side effect.
I was not online much the past couple of days, just needed a mental break... I feel like I am going crazy sometimes...well I better get to bed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
