My Weigh to go Journal...

What a beginning..

2011-01-22T04:51:00.000-08:00

Well My new year as started out JUST great...I have been Miserable, barely worked, lost my job gained a new job, behind on bills and lets see...umm did I mention I have been MISERABLE???? Ohhh and lets not forget my expeditions broke down....anything else?? AND I eat like a horse! I REFUSE to give up...I have been thinking of leaving that job for a long time but I guess this situation just pushed me a long...I dont know why I feel so betrayed but I DO like I REALLY do...I can't say that I will miss the job because I started to just HATE the owner. I dont like when others look down on me like I am a nobody! I guess thats what happens when you work with afamily in their home...sucks but WHATEVER, Like I said in my post...this smile will be back on my face and I will be FINE I thinks that he THOUGHT this would bring me down but it takes more then that to do that, After 10 YEARS of Hell and 10 years of consent supervision..it will take MORE then him...lol On

On a BETTER note, my rescue Chewey is doing amazing..I know I write so little when I do write about things someone reading this would have NO idea but Long story short, he is a rescue and doing amazing! Just look at his lil face is he not the Cutest lil puppy in the world.... I think I am borderline animal hoarder, If it were left to me, I would have a farm with LOTS of animals :)

I have GOT to find a place where I can find some peace, I am struggling so much emotionally lord knows I dont want it to affect my health. My weight ect. I have noticed my eating patterns have changed and I just dont want that for me anymore...guess I will go

my lil babies are the greatest

2011-01-04T17:33:00.001-08:00

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gonna try this on my phone...

2011-01-02T11:13:00.001-08:00

I am gonna try to blog from my phone....

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New Year, Bad beginnings

2011-01-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

WHY WHY WHY do I always feel so Lonely? I mean is that seriously normal? Is there anyone out there who reallyyy UNDERSTANDS who I am and What I want? I guess thats were I plan to start, first New Years was just that, A new friggin year NOTHING special at all...When in the world did I become so boring taht all I do is sit and watch Geys anatomy and pittle around on the computer...WOW kind of sucks. I am thinking I should start my new diet this week, I have been putting it off but I think its time. Plan to start that Stat!

I picked up a rescue, wow he is a handful. He was ALMOST ready to be put to sleep. I hope that I done the right thing, I think sometimes I allow my heart to speak before I think about it. He seems to be in good shape but NOW I have 5 dogs and 2 cats and NONE which I am willing to part with, OHH Gawd thats just NUTS! Now Look at that lil face could you turn it down??? we call him papaw because he is older but such a blessing. I felt he deserved a chance...I may not be much But I am his new mommy.....

I am gonna try not to have a miserable lonly eveing but who knows..considering my husband has been in bed since 11:00am and its now 4pm and thats just kills me, How can one man be so lazy??? uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg Ok have a great day

a NEW year and a NEW Beginning!

2010-12-26T18:58:00.001-08:00

Christmas was well...JUST Christmas....Buying for people you normally don't, spending time with family & STRESS...Food. Well I could go through all the neagtives and positive but I am POSITIVE you don't wanna hear my take on it. It is time for me to ONCE again start my diet and I plan to stick with it this time. I KNOW I say that everytime but this time...I am! Tax seasons almost here and I plan to bury myself in my work and STAY busy so I am going going going until HOPEFULLY my weight will GO AWAY!

I have tried very hard NOT to get depressed during the hoidays, I spent some time with my mom and that was REALLY fun, we mostly took pictures but..We had fun doing it. I can see that the things I do....She does too which is so weird to me..

I am hoping that I can keep my blog going this time, I will not make any promises BUT I will say that I will do my VERY Best!

Divorce

2010-10-19T13:13:00.001-07:00

Divorce is the death of a dream, a dream which reflects who we believed we were
and who we believed we would be in the future.

My Weekend

2010-08-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

My weekend went GREAT and believe it or not I am amazed and so proud of myself. I spent Saturday at the Book store, Grocery shopping & just running errands. Then today I went to the library and then to work out..I done my weights..then walked on the tread mill for a FULL hour. I felt GREAT so I check my weight and to my surprise I had lost almost 2 pounds. I have ate pretty good and I am so happy that I have just done my own thing this weekend without getting frustrated. I was reading Ruby Gettingers book and it just inspired me to do good. Thats such a GREAT book! Shes so amazing and has such determination I wish I could think like her lol She has sure came a long way...I know I have to but it surprises me that I am still doing as well as I am. I am just so excited to be where I want to be. I am so tired of being such a PLAIN jane. I want people to say I am beautiful and MEAN it! I want my husband to be jealous of me...I want to buy cloths in the womens instead of the PLUS size..I mean sooo much more...I know it can't be rushed but I wish I could...lol.

I am not looking forward to this weekend..I mean I DREAD it. I have a event to do this weekend and I just hate it when it throws my weekend off ugggggg anyway guess I better go logg my food :)

Beautiful Ride..

2010-08-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I did go work out yesterday although it was so VERY tough..I ate so much and for some reason I have decided that its OK BUt its not so hopefully I am back on Track today. It seems it gets tougher after a while but I will make it, if it kills me! I went for my weigh in and had only lost a couple pounds..I am STILL over 200 and I am getting SOOOO frustrated, I just feel I should be way above that now but for some reason I am moving slowly...I try to remind myself that it will be worth it in the end but..I know its tough...
I think with so much going on in my life right now I am having a hard time just relaxing, I mean I go to the gym almost EVERY day and the stress just seems to linger and MAYBE that's Part of the problem. I hate when things are like this but I know that things will improve with time and dedication. I have not spoken to my mom in over two weeks and believe me, its been hard but I know I done the right thing by letting it go..as much as I love her, I know that she and I will never be "Normal" she will never understand who I am as a "woman" and will NEVER accept me...she seems to be one of those people that feel that you have to be what they want and I am to strong minded for that. I just can't allow myself anymore hurt over it but, is it hard..YES I try to pretend I don't care but she is my mom and in reality...Its harder then I thought to cut ties with the relationship but in my heart I know its best for both of us....I think that it will get easier in time...Hopefully....
My husband and I have been the same...on and ofF and off & on. I feel so FAT around him and sometimes I feel like he wants me to carry the weight, I think in his mind it makes him feel like No one would want me if I stayed fat! UGGG what an ASS!
I am reading a GREAT book, of course one of my wonderful Chic Lit Books! Its GREAT, called "Fat Chance" Whats a GREAT Book... lol I mean I LOVE these Fat girl books, mes me feel like I am not alone on this journey...even if it is FICTION ha ha...Ok gotta get back to work...

Good Morning

2010-08-13T03:46:00.000-07:00

So Yesterday was interesting, after a GREAT day without my boss...I went to the gym, I thought it was for an orientation however, it turned out to be VERY encouraging and I meet with a couple of trainers....they gave me a routine that I think I will enjoy. I also learned more information on how to properly use some of the machines. It was GREAT BUT I felt CRAZY because after all this working out I wasn't properly using the machine lol...Whatever Guess I know now..Didn't get home until late. Woke up this morning to Breakfast in bed from my husband which was VERY nice (2 egg whites on toasted bread) Started a new book but can't seem to get into it like I did my last one...Jemma J will be hard to beat...It was such a GREAT book...Guess I better get up and get dressed for work...

What a Beautiful Ride...

2010-08-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

I am seriously SOOO behind however, Mainly because so much has happened in my life the past couple of years sooo I will try to start OVER and keep up with my blog. I have been reading SOOO many and getting all involved in other peoples blogs that I just don't have time sometimes...I finally joined a Gym...my weight loss journey is on the move again and I am doing better now then I ever thought possible!!! I work out 6 days a week, I have had my job for a long while now and its going GREAT, I have been trying to get a couple negative people out of my life and its working out and I have found the time to sit and read some GREAT Chick Lit novel that's I am excited about...Is life PERFECT..HELL no BUT I am moving in a positive direction which I am very proud of... ONE thing I can say is, life is a mountain...you spend all your time climbing and climbing TRYING to be what you want, doing things you enjoy and next thing you know your at the top...only to fall again BUT...Thats what makes it interesting... I feel the older I get the STRONGER I get..I have attached a NEW photo of me..When I started this I was back at a CRAZY number..Ok Here we goo....
Diet started (Third Time) on 6/30/2010 - Weight was 228.6 ( Yeahh I know higher then the first time I tried to lose weight!!!!) 7/7/2010 - I was amazed that I was able to STOP MOST of my bad habits ( Eating out, Soft Drinks, Sweets etc ) on 7/7 I lost 9.6 pounds! I was like YES amazing! 7/14- lost 5.6 pounds, Then on 7/21 got disappointed because I only lost 2 POUNDS :( BUT that motivated me to work harder at my goal and on 8/2/2010 I lost 6.6 pounds!!! For those of you keeping up...Thats 21.6 Pounds!!!!! Working out, I mainly do cardio and read chick lit books lol BUT its great... I am really enjoying seeing the progress which makes it worth while to spend 1 hr and a half at the gym a day! Soo I am committed for life as far as I am concerned...There are a couple more changes that need to be made BUT I will get there, I have learned alot about myself this time..I have determination and that's what it takes

Weigh IN

2010-07-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

My diet started again on June 30, 2010 I dont remember the exact weight so I will post when I find out tomorrow... I can however say that I have done well on my eating.. I will start with today because I dont remember the other days Lunch/Breakfast Cantaloupe dinner a 210 calorie meal and snack was cucumbers not 1200 calories but close I ate alot of cantaloupe. Anyway I have done VERY well with the weekend.. went to a festival and ate a couple bits off a hot dog and a couple bits of potatoes and that was it!!!!!!!!!!!! Normally I would have went crazy eating!!! I went to the store and as much as I WANTED fatty food ended up getting NOTHING BUT fruit and veggies and LOW calorie meals for my lunch

wow Cant sleep..

2010-07-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Ok this hasnt happened in a LONG time... Its 3am and I am awake...I know thats a side affect of the medication OHH NOOO I hate when I cant sleep I am always so miserable the next day...I done well on my diet today didnt drink any soft drinks, didnt eat more then 1500 calories..I think I done well..

Bipolar Disorder - Topic Guide - Helpguide.org

2010-07-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Disorder - Topic Guide - Helpguide.org

Healthy Weight Loss and Dieting: How to Lose Weight and Keep It Off

2010-07-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

Healthy Weight Loss and Dieting: How to Lose Weight and Keep It Off

Karma...

2010-06-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Soo seems HE is on a mission again to make me fail, to make me miserable...it just won't happen...I will do everything in my power to show him, I CAN do what I set out to do..as much as I love him...I love myself even more. I mentioned it to him and he acted like an ass but whatever, I done it one my own without his support last time...as a matter of fact I have done everything in this marriage myself without his support soooo I think I can manage. He has had such a attitude lately and an attitude like I OWE him something, even said something to me that stood out...he said something along the lines that he wanted a woman with good credit, I was like well you found the wrong one with me and he said ohh no I didnt you pay the bills don't you! What tha heck. I was in shock and he played it off like he was joking but he wasn't I am not that dumb BUT KARMA is NO fun and I am just waiting until one day when it hits him that I am OVER it...he doesnt have anyone now to baby him. His mom passed and his grandmother did too...I think he thinks I am his "safe" place BUT...I am TIRED of being his support system...at some point in my life I plan to have a life..I have wanted a family...NOT a ONE SIDED DRAMA filled bunch of bull shit!

As you can see...I am a bit pissy tonight....better get to bed for work...something he dont do!

Took a Long look and.....

2010-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

OK Soo I am about 240 Pounds..Finally took a LONG look in the mirror and I just dont wanna be this way much longer!!! I can NOT deal with it SOOOO I have made an appointment to once again get the weight off! Can I do it?? who knows, maybe I will do it just to prove people wrong!!! ha ha Thats how I roll LOL!
Things have been hard lately so hard that I haven't taken the time to find myself..I think I have once again lost "Me" If you look back at my post in 2007 you would see I NEED this! I KNow I can do it, its a matter of do I want to look like this forever NO HELL NO I dont and if it takes medication to help me through...well thats what I plan to do! I look MISERABLE I am tired of being PLUS size... NO Cloths...No life just FAT! I am over it and I refuse to stay like this so I VOW from THIS day 6/28 to LOSE the weight again... I am not telling other people...I want to do this for MEEEE I am TIRED of the Fatness..Food is NOT that important to me yet I eat it like its going out of style! So I am on a mission, we will see how far I get ha ha

Life & Murder?

2010-06-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

If you could see inside my heart...You would see right now its broken...Its been a while since I wrote and for a good reason... wel lets say several good reasons but I will touch on the main ones...My Mother in law, whom ment so very much to me passed away, 6 weeks later on May 7th My husbands Grandmother was Murdered in her home. I have went through a series of emotions...so its been tough to put in words. I went from being scared out of my mind to crying my eyes out. While in court I stared them down and when I left..I just cried that they should no emotion, how could you hit her, shot her and cut her throat and show NO emotion at all!! HOW? I am ANGRY, I am HURT and I am still in shock that something like this could happen...Not only has this taken place but everything else has came about Its a long story and I just cant talk anout it now...

It will be a Miracle!

2010-05-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

Well again I find my self in a screwed up position, I wish that I could get ahold of myself and deal with things before they get worse. I am in a Job that may not last, with a husband that don't love me and my mental illness is out of control NOT to mention I have gained more weight then I ever have..I am sooo worried that I won't make it. Just tired of trying to make everyone else happy. I am am NOT happy with my life right now...I am starting to feel the loneless that I am so custom to. I want a good healthy marriage, I want a FAMILY meaning a child to call my own, I want to lose weight, I dont want to NEED medicine BUT it seems things are not working out that way! I just dont know HOW to change things...truthfully I want to change but HOW? people give me there opnions and I WISH I was strong enough to do all the things they say I should But I can't I am truthfully not strong enough.

Mothers day is coming up and I am taking my mom out to eat, I am hoping that give me a lil time away with someone different but shes always tried to give me her opinion to so I won't even bring michael up so I don't have to hear it. I pray that time will heal mt life but I just don't see it...I went through 10 years of HELL and then I meet someone went through years of hell now just someone else to do the same thing....I am sooo Stress out I hope I can get some peace in my heart at some point, all I want is to find that "peace" that I am looking for with someone who love me for the person I am and who respects me for the things I have been through, that's interested in the same things I am and whose looking for the same things out of life that I am. Someone willing to share responsibilities and who wants something out of life. That will be a miracle I am sure but thats what I am looking for....

No body said it would be easy but its been a rough road will millions of bumps and I want a smooth road at some point one I can remember.

Weird day

2010-04-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

well what an amazing movie I watched tonight, it was nice but I could see that it upset michael to get a glimpse of what heaven may be like, It was great! The Lovely bones...just great! Today, It was a weird day I am having a hard time getting use to not working two jobs, just seems like I have so much free time on my hands..guess that could be good BUT you know its wild... My dogs are getting fixed tomarrow and I have to be up earily yet here I sit, I still feel kind of sick and miserable...I am trying to well never mind will write more tomarrow

My big fat ass!

2010-04-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

amazing that I can read back through my post and say, did I write this? Is this how I felt at that point in my life? if soooo WOW is all I can say! so much has changed and I am assuming my feelings about certain situations have changed as well..first thing thats happened...My Mother in Law passes away and boy, that was a world wind of craziness!!!! My husband took it really hard and is still going through the depressing states of it all.
I am STILL working trying to maintain normal life although its tougher then I thought! I have been struggling with my emotions and how I feel about certain things. #1 My husband #2 My big fat ass!!! I mean I am HUGE, fatter then I was when I first started this journal, I have no idea where all the strengh came from then but I LOST it somewhere down the road! NOW, I feel TIRED and HUGE! I went to walk my dog and by the time I got around the park...I was almost dead! I have gotta getta grip before I lose complete control!
WORKS just work, tax season is finally over and I am just working the one job, after work in the afternoons I am like, what??? I am home WTF! ok so I better get back to work, maybe I will start writing again, I use to love it now, its like I dont wanna do anything...SAd!

What got into me???

2010-03-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

Ok soo WOW, I went to get a meal, Sat downd stuffed my face with Cooked cabbage, Mac & Cheese, Broc Cassrole, Creamed corn, corn bread and YES Pineapple walnut salad! WOW THEN, I got back to the office...Had not even thought of losing weight, was at the office 10 minutes at the most...jumped in my car and went down to a weight loss clinic...without even thinking twice about it went in! soooo now what? Do I start another diet? Do I continue on FAT and try to pretend I am happy? WHAT should I do??? I think I may give it some thought and well, maybe...JUST Maybe I will loose some weight again...hummm would be nice to get into some of my old cloths that I never even got to wear!

Seems I pick jobs like I pick men!

2010-03-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

Hospital visit, working two jobs, very lil sleep...wow soooo tired and sleepy that I could barly hold my head up this morning. Its been a crazy morning, slept until about 10 minutes before times to leave. I am SURE that I need a day off...The hospital visits are Scary! She has tubes everywhere and it make me realize anything can happen at anytime. I can't understand why my husband seems so distant toward her, when he goes to the hospital, its like he has No emotion yet thats his mother on life support, it not only concerns me BUT scares me...What if that were me? would he be emotionless? would he stay at home worring about himself instead of at the hospital? I guess people deal with things differently but, the very thought of getting sick scares me if I am married to him...
Work has been interesting lately, a never ending battle to gain a lil respect! I doubt it will ever happen with the boss that I have now. I do my best YET, thats not good enough...seems to be the story of my life. Seems I pick my jobs like my men! Its crazy! Havent started the meds yet, just way to much going on to deal with a new medication but will soon. Ok soo guess I will get busy with my not so great job!

Wow, its been a while

2010-03-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

Sure has been a while since I have wrote on this journal, journaling has always helped me, I can not believe that I was this into living a healthy life, yet I gave it up and now I am back at 220! its nuts.. So much has happened and so much going on that its hard t think about all the wight I have gained. I guess food addiction is harder to treat then I thought. Between working two jobs in management, My home life ( which has changed drastically since I last posted ) My animals & a Mother in law on life support I can barely think much less watch calories & work out. I stay so tired and at times just wanna close my eyes and pretend I am someone else. I have however decided to accept that I have a metal illness and have the medications that I need to maintain a normal life. Guess I will write later I am at work and don't wanna get into trouble...

Bi Polar

2009-05-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

I was watching a show and I thought about my Bi polar disorder,its kind of nuts but my husband is OCD and a recovering drug addicted and I am about as Bi-Polar as they come...what a pair is all I could think about! I start cousling again next week, I kind of dread that in a way. I wish that people understood how I felt, I mean the people around me...Its like I never know how I will feel the next day.. I get really really depressed and people say things like Im crazy, I started again lord whatever...I am getting aggrivated just thinking about it I mean VERY frustrated!

Welll Hummm

2009-04-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so todays been VERY busy, I assume since Tax seasons almost over people are doing the last minute thing but BOY Its driving me crazy. I did find the time to feed my addiction but going to the game store and spending my whole break trying to decide what game to get next...then didnt even get one!!! I put all the money I collected from my trade in games on my card! I tell ya what...lol anyway when michael came back from the clinic this AM he has our homework assignmenet that the cousler had given us...seems she said I wasnt being "personal enough" she feels I am keeping my feelings hidden away. I am not sure if this lady understand that I have built up a wall and I am scared to let it down right now. I am scared I will say the wrong thing and it will do nothing but cause michael and I to fight and argue and I just dont wanna deal with it. I know it may sound crazy but michael done so much to me it made me scared to trust anyone. I guess I do need to open up to her more but its his recovery and I just dont wanna do anything to upset him right now.

We did decide to do easter baskets, I thought it would be a good idea so that we could spend some time togather and it would be lots of fun. on Easter we are going to deliver baskets to our moms. We dont do the whole go to church thing so this is BETTER yeahhh easter eggs :) anyway guess I better do a lil work or sumffin lol laterz

No More Stress...Until tomarrow

2009-04-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

OK sooo Today was marriage cousling at the Methadone clinic, pretty interesting! This cousler feels like michael is doing perfect and that maybe I am being a lil over the edge which is very possible. It is hard for me because I am the one that has had to deal with his stealing and all the lies and all that. The trust has to be bulit back up. Although he does seem tow be working toward it I feel I still should deal with the situation with caution.

I had my "appointment" this am..BOY was I STRESSED out, I could sleep last night for worring so I stayed up until VERY late playing Mario on my DSi. Now I ammm SOOO tired I can hardly stand it! Michael was very supportive today and thank god if he hadn't been I would have prob killed him! My nerves have been shot!

We did FINALLY go to the YMCA and paid for our membership, now getting started will be a blast. I have got to put my mind to it and just do it. I dont wanna be skinny but hell I would be happy if people would say I am avarage but right now..Its pretty much FAT! Lord it makes me about to throw up but I know its the trust and ONLY I can fix it Blahh Blahhh Blahhh!!

Anyway with all that being said..I assume I need to get my ass to work...I act like I am not at work haaaa Haaa

Who Knew..

2009-04-04T18:13:00.001-07:00

who ever said being a manager was easy LIED, and I am just not sure its worth it after today, it was suppose to be my day off however, I found out today that well...sometimes thats just not possible who knew? My god...anyway Michael and I got up this am and had a pretty good morning until I stopped by the office to see how the new girl was getting along..well the office was CRAZY! I had to litterly stop my day to go in and help her..Michael was PISSED and of course resorted to calling me names and yelling at me how I am such a bitch. I mean really ALL I done was show how to take control of the office. I never thought that was a bad thing but obviously for him, he don't understand..Maybe because he has never had that type of job but for me, I take it VERY serious! The fact that michael talk to me the way he did hurt, in a bad way...but everytime he does it my wall goes back up and I get tired of letting it down only for him to build it back up. Its frustrating when I try to hard. Anyway, I told him I was sorry and hugged him, and he grabbed me back and hugged me with a very serous hug and said he was sorry to. I just wish he could understand that saying "I'm sorry" cant always be the answer...sometimes he needs to use a little self control.
anyway..on a diff note..I get the new DSi tonight at midnight and I am headed to the midnight part. I am pretty darn excited. I am such a kid when it comes to stuff like games. of course he is laying here asleep..go figger! LAZYYY....

Guess I will surf the web until time to leave

Bored

2009-04-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

I have such a Friggin headache! oK now thats outta the way! I decided to call home to see if maybe my husband would like luch, of course he is still in he bed asleep which is pretty normal which is pretty darn frustrating. I thought once he started getting clean that some of the bad habits would fade and they have to a point but the sleeping part...well thats just not going to happen I am sure of it...We are suppose to go to dinner tonight...Crab legs that sounds pretty darn good.
Today I started looking through some blogs and was reading other peoples thoughts and views about Methadone. It seems like I wanna know more and more. I have a few concerns that I am trying to iron out in my mind, Just thing I need to deal with I suppose. I have ask our cousler, marlena several questions but still have more it seems.
Work has been pretty show which is driving me CRAZYYY I am almost bored..

Looking for More?

2009-04-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

Good Morning
Woke up earily, my husband had left for the clinic and I couldnt sleep, was starting to worry about him. I hate him being out so earily in the morning. Seems the only time I get to spend with him is in the mornings when he gets back, other wise he is just fighting sleep. I know that things should be getting better and they are in a sense however, I want the romance back. Its hard once you have lost it, to re-gain it but I know it can be done. Its just learning to try new things and to try to change some bad habits. We laid and watched one of the most loving movies so thats a start!
Last night michael and my dad worked on the breaks, michaels acts like he just hates my dad but my dad really is starting to trust him and love him. I wish michael understood. I am not sure michael knows how to take my dad. I know he can be annoying but, he is the best man in the world ever besides my hubby...His Birthday is this week.
well Guess I will get ready to prepare some Taxes before the end of season...which I DREAD!

A fresh New beginning

2009-04-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that things have changed more in my life this year then any other year ever! Michael and I are now in cousling and working on our marriage, he is on a journey to becoming clean and healthy and hopefully this is the beginning of a whole new world for us. I sat this morning and decided to read my past post on this blog and wow, what a miserable and sad person I was. I thought about deleteing it and starting out fresh however, I didnt and I didnt because I felt that it is important for me to rememeber how I was thinking and feeling at that point and time in my life.

My weight loss is still a huge struggle and I can honestly say I am at a miserable weight at this point but hopefully thats all about to change as well. I went down and signed up for the YMCA I am hoping to get approved for that and michael and I could do it together! I would LOVE to do that. I def. want to do it without the medication because obviously I just gained the weight back so it was a pointless thing. I have been tanning lately and that makes me feel a little better about myself but not much.

As for work its at the end of tax season and Yeah, well no job again after the season..sorta stress me out but Its something I will have to take one day at a time. I am sure I will find myself back here again crying and trying to keep up with my thoughts. Guess I will check out some of the blogs I have lost out on.

Today is Cold

2008-10-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

Well Thats where I slept last night, I wrote a 4 page letter and poured out my heart and he acted like I didn't even write a letter, he got up - left again and of course I have not seen him. I know that I have made the decision to ignore the fact that he is treating me this way and move on, Thats all I know to do. I slept on the couch and cried myself to sleep. He slept in the bed comfortable knowing that I was hurt and done nothing except get up and leave when the morning come. I just dont know what to do anymore. Yesterday was NOT a good day for me and my diet reflected that! when he got here I left, and got me something to eat - yeah when I say something to eat I mean a steamed ham & cheese with a mt dew to drink and then came back and ate Ice cream. I was just so very depressed and miserable that I couldnt stop myself. It was like I said screw it.
Today has been a different story, I left and got a few things done. I was content until I walked in the house. I just feel such an emptness beyong belief. When I am home I start getting depressed and start thinking about what a screwed up situation I have ended up in. I just feel I deserve more then that..I guess he dont feel that way. I guess he feels I deserve to be treated as if I am a No body..This is so frustrating..I feel like I have no one that cares whats going on..The truth is I have not been happy in a very long time, I hang on because I feel so alone and forgotten, I wanna walk away more then anything, I am just scared..maybe of being alone..I am not sure I just know I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Food, I think is... comfort..I use it as a tool I know thats the wrong thing but thats the truth..

Today is cold

Good morning so far

2008-09-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Good Morning world I guess, I woke up, I feel ok jus kinda blank but I am fine..I woke VERY hungry, Of course I ate the WRONG thing..But I ate a VERY smal portion and I know that part of my problem was portion control. Anyway I ate about 5 crackers and I am now fine..Michael of course left to be with his grandmother and I am left at the house all day with nothing to do..To be honest I kinda like it today..I needed the time. I was thinking that maybe I will eat subway today...Not sure yet

Readin up..

2008-09-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

When I was 207 pounds and I started this journey I use to read everyones elses blogs and somehow it helped me..I have missed out on so much..I went to several tonight just reading up on everyone and wow everyones still around for the most part..it was fun to spend a couple hours reading about everyone elses life..I am excited to get my diet back on track..

Talk to an old friend tonight wow, it was wild to hear her voice but it was good o know shes doing good. I have missed talking to her..we talked for a long time but it doubtfull I will ever hear from her again..was nice to have someone listen for a minute..
although I am in the house with my husband I feel so alone...I tried talking to him tonight about a job situation but he completely ingored me..kinda like I wasn't even in the room... Its sooo frustrating to deal with that but I will move and and be ok...anyway Guess I will go on My Space and then off to bed

Loney Day

2008-09-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

well I tell you one thing I am so sick of feeling used..I stay so very lonely and at times its unbarable. I am married and although I love him, I know he is not with me for "Love" he uses me and I know that he is just not in love with me..no matter what I refuse to force myself on him so I just go about my way and pretend all is well..as hard as that is..I do it..I wish he could see that he is hurting me..and I know even if he did know..he wouldnt even care..He is very cold and has so much anger..
enough about that..My diet..I guess I have done Ok however, when I went over to my mother in laws and got on her scales I noticed it was in the same spot as last week..I would have thought I lost at least a couple pounds but..Ohh well I only can do so much..I mean I am eating right..of course I have my days...just like anyone else struggling with food issues..but for the most part I know I want it bad enough and will do what it takes to make it happen.
I cleaned house today until my back feels really bad..I think alot has to do with the amount of stress I am under...I am jobless, with a man that does not love me & I am not happy with my body as far as weight, hair looksin general...OMG I guess I am rambling bout the same crap...I guess I just never seen my life this way..I have the will power to make things happen..yet there not and I just dont know where I am going wrong...I guess I will jump in the shower and ponder on tha...

Hard to believe

2008-09-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

wow, Its so hard to believe that Its september and I am writing..so much has happened and I came so far then somewhere along the way I lost my way again..It seems to happen that way. I am amazed at how fast situation come and go in my life. I look back and realize the things that mattered most then just seem to disappear and I have new things that have my attention. One thing I done was lost focus..I forgot who I was fighting for, me! as much as I wish I could say things are better..well I cant because that would be a lie..I did however loose weight, not near what I want to lose but I lost some...It dont feel like it because I would look at myself in disbelief..I was hugeee but..I was taking some pictures just the other day and wow..I really dont look that bad But, I'm in no way healthy so I am back on the good ole diet...wow been here..Its much harder now because I am not working and the stress level is up but I done it before I Know I can do it again...its just a matter of believing in myself..Hopefully I will get my journal updated...I now have my computer back at home which will make it much easier...

LOngggg time..But I am back

2008-08-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

Ok so its been a long time since I was here but so much has changed..I have such a different life now. I started this journey wanting to lose weight and get to know myself but I found out much more then I wanted to know..now I am dealing with all the emotional stuff that goes along with that..its been a long crazy ride but I am ready to get things back where I want them...I need to find myself in this world and figure out what I wanna do with this crazy life of mine...

I Miss My Ride

2008-04-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

I kind of miss my ride to work, I mean look at he scenery I get to see :) It is so so very beautiful up there however I needed the break, I have worked and worked and I have been so very tired that I needed the break for a while, I have been off for three days and wow..feels so weird! I went to the grave Yard and seen Both grandmothers and a Cousin I was extremly close to...It was an interesting trip...Its been pretty borning otherwise but I have had a chance to cleaned and that sort of thing

Rainey day

2008-04-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well Its raining really hard and truthfully I think we needed the rain, Yesterday was an ok Day but I was a bit stressed at work, I have noticed there is a bit of Drama that goes on there and a bit of back bitting but I hope to stay away from that...I did speak with the main manager about my concerns of the job so hopefully that will make things easier for me in the Job, I like the job but I can see where it can be a bit stressful...
Michael and I got intoa hugeee fight last night, I am just sick of him and all he has to offer, he has NOTHING to offer me and I dont need it... Jus too much Drama for me. I guess I will try to enjoy the day until work...it seems weird going to work so late in the day but I enjoyed getting the rest...I am off to the weght Dr maybe today if he is in..I will see...

Job Stress...

2008-04-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

I think I love my position, However the training is extremly hard and so much to learn. And VERY frustrating to try to get it all down, My trainers are extremly crical so That makes it even harder but I will do it no matter what, I enjoy the job but, I have never been one to tell people what to do so much, or I would try just no one listened lol anyway Thats my bitch season for the day ha Ha...

Good Morning either way...

2008-03-31T05:07:00.000-07:00

Life sure is different these days, I mean things chnage for me daily and some days for the good and others I just wanna scream, I did however find out some important information..Ok I was told by a medical professional a fews ago that I have PCOS and I have just learn to deal with that fact that I may never concieve, Its been well over a year with no cycle etc well I have been so concern about this Bi - polar that I never stopped to think, hey it may be my hormones going NUTTS! well...to make a very long story short...I am having one and a VERY Bad one so MAYBE Jus maybe thats it :) so I May be pretty normal / well sort of ...

My Job is great, The Mountains on my way to work always seem to make me smile, they were beautiful today with the fog surrounding them. I wish i had time to have a picnic alone with a good book, seems there aren't enough hours in the day.

My Dogs are acting a bit weird, I guess I freaked Luda out yesterday, after cleaning my house all morning long, I had to leave for work..I have been putting her in the kennel ( Inside cage type thing ) anyway, she has a way of escaping ...anyway while at work yesterday she did and got into the trash, after getting home last night, I walked in to the mes she made and just sat in the florr and CRIED and CRIED, she had no idea what was wrong with me, the funny thing is neither did I.. Sad but True when we went to bed she was back to normal however, I felt extremly guilty and still have no earthly idea why I cried over a dog make a mess... Maybe I just needed it because afterwards I felt much better.

I did have time to get my bills fixed for next month and take some "me" time, I am reading a GREAT book..by Valerie Bertinelli " Losing It - and gaining my life back one pound at a time..." wow GREAT book, I can relate to alot of her comments about the FAT thing ha ha..

OK well off and running for the day...

Are Mornings my best friend now???

2008-03-19T03:20:00.000-07:00

Ok I admitt that I use to HATE so very much getting up earily, but at least it wasn't this earily but somehow I am starting to enjoy my mornings, I have a Long commute, I am in a whole new area, I am learning new things in a wonderful and rewarding position...wow need I say more?? I thought it was amazing that I got such a Great position, Myself..without anyone...wow I am proud of myself...

I admitt I miss my old position as far as people BUT would not trade for anything in the world now...

Got Gas..umm Ok I filled UP for $26 wow thats totally amazing I mean just amazing I was so excited....I mean I am just not use to filling up with that small amount and STILL drive almost more then before...

Eating I did not do that wonderful yesterday considering on th eway out the door I ate a pack of donuts lol BUT its gonna take some time, I do feel I am mentally ready to get geared back up and lose more weight for Summer!!!

better Days ahead

2008-03-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

I Now see that there might be better days a head and maybe JUST maybe things might work out for the better, sometimes I get so lost in emotion that I think I might just drive myself nuts...I may need to get ahold on myself, my weight and start all over, I have some how let go of the things that mean so much to me, I was blinded by things that did not matter to begin with, My life seems so strange to me, yet I sit down and talk to a trained professional and they say I have seen a million of you, thats so shocking to me. I Pray that My life gets where its headed, I pray that I not let this " " get ahold of me, Thats why I feel I am so sucessfull at Jobs, I put so much into it how could I not be??? as for weight I am not sure what I weigh but I think that I will start fresh once I get my New job up and going and everything calms down a bit..There will be a better day, one day i will meet someone who won't use me and treat me as if I am a Nobody, someone who will love me for the woman I am, and the woman I will be...I will rise above this and I will SUCEED!!!

So much has happen, what next?

2008-03-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have always known something was not right, I have not ever truly been happy..or at peace with myself, I have always wanted something more but it was always out of my reach..I mean I keep reaching, I sometimes would do everything it takes...But I would always fail in someway. I have had so many people come and go in my life, some I have cared so much more and NEVER thought I would lose them...But I some how pushed them away...and now I have hardly no body. I went to the Dr recently for depression & problems with sleep and before I could finish what I was saying, he tagged my disorder...Bi- Polar, I was in shocked that day to hear it being said, and ya know some say, Its not you...BUT I have been studing it and that is it! I fit the profile to a tee..I cried as I left..I hurt knowing that I could possible be a bit on the crazy side but..although I am pretty normal, I have my moments where I lose "me" and find myself on my knees begging God to take me.
This Jourrnal started as a weight loss journal..I put my all in it BUT after a while I gave up because I felt it was so far out of my reach...I did it for a while but...now its harder... Either way..alot has change..to make a long story short...
I got sick for almost a month straight, I ran into someone from my past that really screwed me up emotionally and I lost my Job. I mean theres more but thats enough for now...

Wow life is crazy

2008-02-25T14:03:00.001-08:00

wow life has changed so much for me and it seems more and more I think I might be driving myself crazy, always to one extreme or another...I always have my fight face on yet inside its raining. Its kinda nuts, for one person to struggle so much emotional is nuts but I keep telling myself I am half way there, I am half way there and soon I am sure..I will say I am finally there...I was reading through some blogs today and came accross on that touched me...inspired me to get off my ass and do some writing, it always helped before...soo it should still help. anyway I will post it in my favorites I assume...I have been working 7 days a week 70 hours a week, its just too much sometimes...Luda is good and I now have pups that seem to be ok but with what I went through with kilo, I wanna make sure so I will be getting shots this afternoon just to make sure

man ole man how things can change in the blink of an eye

2008-02-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

Ok well So much has changed where do I begin..My kilo passed the rainbow bridge and wow it was hard, I never knew that I would be so attached to a dog but he was a special dog one that has been with me through a rough time soo I am haoping and praything I made the right decicision..I got another dog today..Her name is Luda and a very special angel she is..I have been bonding great with her and wow what a wonderful Loving dog... I went to the shelter and would have LOVED to take home a few of them but for right now felt I better stick with one that I can bond with..she seems to have a hard past and I can relate with her on that level and she is extremly scared which..I am there with her on thet one to...here she is..This is Luda... Beautiful huh and I feel Kilo sent her from heaven... wow I like her already...ha ha Shes does not seem to like Michael much and keeps a close eye on him...ha ha Can you say ATTACK!!! ha ha
Anyway..emotionally I am a wreck..Eating well a wreck and over all a WRECK> still working two jobs to make it and making myself deal with my situation until I can fix it...

I had a blast from my past and wow...OK I will not go there right now but Its causeing some weird feelings..will explain when I feel I can get out thr right words...

Watching Kilo die in my arms hurt and my heart is wounded...Life is weird right now and I need something to ease my stress but theres no way out at this point and I feel I am stuck in a weird situation...

Kilo

2008-02-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

He may have a chance..I just talk to michael who taked to a vet thats willing to put Kil on Iv and admitt him, which gives him a better chance at survival...He will go this afternoon... LORD please let this work...I love him so much

my one nightmare

2008-02-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

I feel so totally sick...I have cried until tears are no long there and I feel completely numb inside. My heart aches and I just don't know what to do right now, It seems I am walking around and breathing yet not even living...I can not think about anything but him and the pain he is in, the heartache he must be feeling to have to leave his family, knowing that with every breathe he takes he is dying. I do not want to be selfish but, I don't want to not give him a chance. I see and believe it or not feel his pain, its sorta like a child, I feel his emotions..and I know he knows I love him. Sunday night when he looked at me I cried because I could see his misery. I am so lost and feel so alone in this. Michael is there and I hear him talking and I may even answer but feel almost dead like inside. I am not sure if I am suppose to feel this way and feel sorta silly that I am dealing with such depression over a dog. Not that I think he is "just a dog" to me, I fell like I have lost a part of my family. I am so attached to him and love him so very much. I think it is a mixture of emotions thats causing the depression and sleep loss. I am struggling daily to keep myself movated and going. I just don't know what to do...I am confussed and feel I have went the wrong way to many times. I am scared of making a decison I will regret in the long run. anyway..
If anybody even reads this.. My dog has Parvo and is dying & I feel I am to blame. anyone who truely knows me, knows this is something that will emotionally destroy me. I am strong yet weak when it comes to someone or something I truely Love. My one nightmare is to have to watch him die slowly and wonder if theres something more I could do to ease his pain and suffering. When should I let go and where do I go when I feel there is no where to run...

Ok so I am behind here

2008-01-24T06:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am seriously behind but I have GREAT excuse...I am working 40 hrs at my regular job and it happens to be tax season which in turn means I am working morning to night, I am just so tired that its hrad to keep up with heverything that I need to get done. As for eating, I have not done that great mainly because I rarely do I have tiem to eat and when I do, I just need to get as much as I can because that will be the total calories for that day, I am going to get better with this but I need to somehow manage to eat better, or make "time to eat which is what I have very lil of...time. If I could just figure out a way to manage better I would do it...some days I think I may get too much of what I don't need, I have suceeded at eating smaller portons I know..
My dad is still staying with me and seems this is a long term thing, I finally got him a bed and the things he needs but he is basicly on his own from this point, I am not there enough to do the things I would like to do for him to make him more comfortable. My house has been pretty calm, Michael has not cause much drama, from what I hear he is doing much better with his problem, which I am happy about...I did however give in to my mom and she and I are now talking..she sent me a oicture the other day and she looks great for her age...I will have to include it in this ... I still feel that I should keep my distance but in a nice way, I guess is the best way to put it.. I will always Love her but, I have to protect myself as well.... I have been big on animal rights because they are trying to put a ban on Pits in several states and it breaks my heart, I love Kilo and feel he makes my world tick...he is the sweetest..ok well I am back to work..

Down just 5 pounds :(

2008-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

Hello ..Lord the last few eeks have been a blur, i have been so busy and sick that i have not had time to breath..I am doing a lil better now but will be working60 hrs this week so I will have lil time to even think as a matter of fact I work tomarrow...Well went for my weigh in and was a bit disappointed, just as I figured I had lost very lil, it was not as bad as I thought but still bad considering it has been well over amonth since my last visit, I lost 5 pounds... and thats it...I mean yeah thats good but near as good as it has been, I guess it is better that I lose weight slow but it stresses me a bit. Eating has not really been that bad, I guess just have not been eating enough, tonight I went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and trusth me NOTHING is healthy on that menu!!!!

Kilo, My dog is doing great but has been gettig on my nerves, I wish i had more time to play with him but it seems that I can never sit down long enough..Dad has been going to Ga on the weekends and staying with me through the week...did I say MESSY well he is very messy! ha ha but I gotta love him...Well if I sat here and wrote everything going on I would be here writting a ook but for now I will just say I feel better sick wise and eating is going ok, I am down so i really can't complain and Thats about it...

Tired

2008-01-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

Today has been a BAD day, I am tired and sleepy and just feel miserable, I have had this cold for three weeks now and I mean today its really dragging my butt down..this morning I thought it may help if I drank a orange juice but...It didn't I still felt just as bad after I drank it..I am not sure but I know I have been miserable tired! Its hard to sleep for coughing..I have not checked my weight in the past few days just have not felt like doing much of anything except sleep and sleep and sleep.. Thats why I am behind on writing, truthfull I have not done that great at eating right but feel like I iwll be OK, I am not stressing it to much... Ok so I am back its after linch and I had stopped writting because I am sooo sleepy I can hardly hold my eyes open...I am miserable :( anyway will talk later..Jenna

Opinions are just that..

2008-01-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well I guess the title says it all...I received a horrible reply to one of my older post, wow did not realize there were such even people in world but, I did not allow it to affect me negatively. I am a much stronger person then that and I am proud that I did not crawl into a hole like they wanted me to. I think it is sad that misery loves company.

Food habits have been pretty Ok, I did get on a scale finally to see if I might have lost any weight and to my surprise I did according to me scales, although I am having a tough time with learning to use them. Its pretty frustrating. I now wish i would have ask for the cheap ones so that it would not have been as complicated to learn. Or maybe I am slow ha ha..emotionally I am feeling somewhat better, stress level seems to be in control and eating habits seems to be getting back on track..I knew I would start doing better, it was just I was tired of the same ole' thing but, my health is very important to me...speaking of I have new insurance starting new weeks and plan to do some stuff like physical, get my teeth cleaned, check about getting my breast lifted and thing going to see if my diabetes has been affected by the weight loss..I got on the scales and according to them I weigh 164..wow if that's true we are looking at I have lost well over 40 pounds.I got to my weight loss DR. this week so I always use his scales as gospel. I will of course have my weight posted.

My dad is coming to stay with me due to a job that he has in a connecting county, I have to say I am soooo excited, I wish it was forever but, I know he has a life in Ga, I just love to be around him. I know that I will not get to see him much because of my working hours..lets see 8:30-5:30 id my regular job and then my seasonal job (TAXES) is every night til close and weekends..not to mention I have a Dr appointment this week and have to get my breaks fixed..it will for sure be a BUSY week..

Mom and I are not speaking due to "circumstances" not that that is a HUGE change because she has always been stand offish with me, I have tried my best to get to know her but, she does not understand the true meaning of "mother & daughter" relationship, I mean she is not one of those moms who's like "this is my daughter and no matter what she wants or what she goes through I will be there with her and for her" type. I have never ever been able to rely on her or trust her. I think the trust issues and my consent need to make her happy at my expense has made me open my eyes and realize we can not have a healthy relationship and its best to live our own lives with each other being a part of it. I NEVER thought I would say that but, I guess as we get older we finally start realizing facts. Do I love her, well of course..she will always be my mom but, its not worth it to get my feelings hurt contently and trying way to hard for her, she has enough people catering to her, I won't be one of those - enough on the subject so that I don't get upset, I have things to get done today..

On a better and brighter note..The weather is beautiful..I love the smell of the cold air, i would love to live somewhere like Colorado where is cold all the time...I think its beautiful when you wake and open the door and its so bright that it blinds you..from the frost and cold...wow God works miracles.

I am off to run some errands but in response to the person who wrote the Post..Thank you for showing me how strong I really am!

What if tomarrow never came??

2008-01-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

Ok well as I figured this divorce is going to be harder then I thought, basically it is like this...Either I make a decision to let go or ruin my life. I have (in the past) always made the wrong decisions and now that I am an adult its time for me to stand up and make a couple that involves what I want. I have been extremely down and depressed, I blamed it on the holidays, then my cold I have had, then the stress of my job now...I think I am seriously "Depressed" crying alot, forgetfulness, not staying focused, staying sleepy, mood changes, withdrawn and not wanting to do anything but work..I am a medical major ( although I don't practice) so I have studied depression and feel I have it. I was trying to remember when I was young I went through a situation where I had to be evaluated, and they said I had " Border line personality disorder " I remember when I was in college I studied it, intensely and wanted to see if I possessed the characteristics that I should if I had this disorder, some were a yes and some were a no BUT I did notice that Depression was part of it.
anyway..that's whats on my mine..Last night was hard, really hard. I don't think that I have been as miserable in a long time, taking a shower I cried through it...I mean it was bad I ate really good..but I did have to force myself to eat healthy.
This morning when I woke I still felt as bad, like I had not even been asleep, I refused to give details but Michael and I got into a huge fight and he punch "Another" hold in my wall and called me every name he could think of, I don't understand how I could have married a man like this, I don't love him Honestly I don't even know who he is. I try to pretend he is someone I love but, I am just not in love with him. I Think the only reason he has been there this long is because I was scared of never finding anyone to love me. I am such a family type person, I went from having three kids to none in the blink of an eye, I was lonely and scared. This man has never even bought me a gift "Himself" he has never made me feel like I am #1 or never truly"made love" with me, what he has done is made me hate myself, made me wish I was not even alive, made me insecure & miserable. People have ask me for years, well why do you put up with it? Ok well I could give a few reasons but unless you knew what I have been through in my life you would see how scared I am to live it. weight loss is the only thing that has kept me focused, my animals are my life. I feel like Michael robs me of my joy and robs me of what I want out of life, its hurts like hell to know that I have wasted years of my life, I means YEARS being unhappy and all because I am a coward. Divorce...sure I want a Divorce But I want "me" back more then anything. I want to do the things I enjoy, listen to what I want to, and make the best of what time I have left on this earth, I have thought many times about that song.."If tomorrow never comes" just this statement alone makes you think, what if tomorrow never came???

VERY BAD SAD Day

2008-01-08T20:25:00.001-08:00

I am so sad with out him, I feel so lost :( I have cried and cried until I feel I can not cry anymore I am sick with hurt, people who know me understand just how much I love my dogs but, I feel it was something that needed to be done, he was no longer happy here and I am not a person that wants to hold anyone back..I also told my husband about the divorce lawyer and of my plans, Not to mention I am STILL sick and miserable and lonely and just STRESSED in general, I ate right tonight only to check my weight and I am up 3 pounds..God why me, when will I be where I want to be in life, something is missing from my life and I have not found it in 30 years..I am crying inside but all people see is the smile on my face and the job well done, if only they knew how many nights I cried and begged god why he kept me here...why does he allow me to get myself in situations that will only hurt me in the end...I am not sure why but I am just extremely depressed and feel lonely. More then I think I have in so long, my dogs were my everything and I have let two go for different reasons...its hard because sometimes I think I put so much in my dogs because they love me know matter how fat I am or who thinks I am a bitch or whatever...they love me as much as I love them and I allowed myself to get lost again, before with that happen I had them to take my mind off how bad and miserable my life really is, the fact that I am hurting inside yet try to stay strong enough to work and keep my bills up...I can not even tell you one thing right now that makes me smile, I do nothing I enjoy and I am tired of hurting...I feel HUGE although yes it is JUST 3 pounds that just lets me know I am failing at something else...that's what I did not want to go

I feel like a COW!

2008-01-08T12:57:00.000-08:00

I have not felt good the past couple of days, just real run down feeling, I am not sure what is going on. Maybe it is because I have not been eating right, yesterday morning I ate a sauage & biscut and a Good lunch but when I got home, AGAIN I was hungry and on impluse I went to Ihop and at a grilled cheese and fries! I just don't know why it is so hard for me to get back on track, I have done it for months now I am messing up all the time, today I done great, at egg whites and apple for breakfast, forced myself to eat 14oz of grilled chicken and Corn ( No butter or salt ) Now I am just stressed about how I plan to do dinner without screwing up royally again... I have felt miserable tired like, I am just to tired move...

Weekend from *&%^%&$

2008-01-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

Ok Soo The weekend SURE went fast, It was like Friday I got off work and had to get to bed because I had my second job on Saturday, had to be there at 8am, I work in Taxes and our season looks like it is going to be an interesting one. I am a lil stressed about the amount of hours I will be working but, I will adjust to it, I hope. Eating well I think I done BAD again, mainly because Saturday I had no Breakfast, got to the college and they did not go to lunch until 1pm and I was starving by then. We all decided to go to Olive Garden, well I HAD to eat..I checked out the menu for healthy options but there were very few, I decided on Noodles with NO sauce and salad, lil did I know that their salads are not so healthy BUT I ate up anyway even adding in a bread stick and a half! Shewwww I was HUNGRYY anyway after work it was getting late and mainly all I had was leftovers so about 6pm I decided I was hungry and ate the rest of my noodles ( they had parm cheese & Olive oil on them ) and OMGG a slice of pizza!! I told you it was BAD! It does get worse believe it or not..Ok then Sunday comes and I am feeling Oh so guilty about the whole Pizza ordeal, so I end up eating something worse..Mcdonalds!!! I tell you what my will power is shot all to heck these days, once you get off track it is hard to get going again. I did however try to start fresh today so for lunch I was good, I had cooked mini carrots and greens ( NO greese ) It sems to get harder as you go along, I have not weighed myself in a few days because I am scared of what it might say, I will be going to the DR next week and I will know then what my weight is, thats the main one I go by because I use the same scales everytime I go. I have got to get this doet under control again, you use to could not convience me to eat what all I ate this weekend. wow I have got to get it togather!

Pears, Oranges & Chicken

2008-01-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

Done better then normal last night although, it was still to late to eat. After leaving work I was STARVING but, I decided instead of stopping at a fast food joint that I would go to Kroger and get something healthy instead, after walking the whole store for 30 minutes I finally decided on Chicken breast, Pears & Oranges..I have no idea how this combination came about but, its all I could think of. I rushed home to cook and by that time it was 7 o' clock, I dug out tha lean machine and went to work grilling my chicken, No grease, no butter just chicken with a dash of salt and pepper and that's it, I grilled Three breast, 1 for last night and two for my meals today. Needless to say I did not eat until it was bedtime BUT it was healthy, I was still starvingggg after I ate so I grabbed one of the oranges and sliced in 4's and off to bed I went..I fingered it was better to eat the Orange late then go crazy this morning wanting something filling so I tricked myself...when I woke...I was not all that hungry but still forced down a pear for breakfast. I am hoping that the fruit will curve my craving for sweets. It has worked so far soo we will go with it ha ha..This morning has not been all that bad, I love the cold weather! I mean, I love getting all bundled up in cute jackets and gloves and all :) Anyway..for the most part things have been pretty quite, the lady that owns my land came down with her lil girl and chatted for a bit and I played with Kilo & sammie for a while and that was my whole night OHH and don't forget the chicken! Ha so I guess I done pretty good..I have not weighed myself because I am scared that I will start obsessing again and that's all I need lol

Ok FINALLY on the right track again

2008-01-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

I woke this morning to the Freezing cold, I had to let the doggy potty and I was sooo cold, I checke dthe weather and wowww wee we are down in the teens with a chill factor of single digits...I LOVEE the cold weather but wow, it was a shocker to my body. Anyway on a better note, I decided not to weigh myself this morning or this week for that matter. It seemed It didn't bother me to wait until my monthly visit to the weight loss clinic..I didn't get near as frustrated. This morning I have have gotten up with a postive attitude, I ate a healthy breakfast of Fresh fruit (pineapple, mango, grapes) and I did drink a V8 Splash but I have not drank even half of it yet, I got out the good old rice cakes and left ALL sweets out of my view! I didn't even bring any in fear that I would indulge in them... I think for lunch I will go back to my grilled chicken as I use to eat all the time. I think that I am ready to move on and get past this negativity, I just get so frustrated at myself because I know I can do it, look how much I have lost up until the holidays.

I think with my personal issues and work things have just started closing in on me, I am having some emotional issues and sometimes that tends to take controld of my eating habits. I assume thats normal for everyone.
I was reading an article about setting "weight" goals for new years resolutions, well it said be realistic goals and create a plan so I am working toward that now. I think one of the best Goals I can have is to watch my porton size, eat grilled at all times over deep fried etc & take away the candy items that tempt me so much. Another goal is exercise, I have got to get a plan togather that includes excerise. Its so cold out now and I don't have time for the gym soo I guess I need to figure out what I can do to get what I need without inconviencing myself. SO see, I feel better today. I have had some great e-mails from people struggling just as I am and people that cares about me that don't even know me and thats a great feeling, Thanks to all of you, I may not have my family support but I have you guys and look what it has done soo far!!!! Look at the weight loss soo we are doing something right...

Ok All I can say is WOW

2008-01-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

Ok tonight, I was online...and I checked my mail and I got this response to my Blog that touched me, I just have to share it with you..

has left a new comment on your post "Ok Heres the scoop": Hi there. Hope I'm not being too forward here, I'm Boss. I just happened to come across your blog surfing :-).I wanted to say I felt what you wrote in this post. I really and genuinely admire your courage to write such hard personal things, and I felt it not from a personal standpoint, but because I've seen this written before, and I reognise the situation you're in.People who have goals, and no one seems to notice or understand, or seems to appreciate the difficulty you as the individual goes through, in a situation like yours.I suppose nobody truly knows what another person goes through in life, as they are not them, even if they share similar pasts.I wouldn't dream of giving you a tonne of pity, as that's not my right, and I believe you as an individual, are worth more than some stranger coming here and pitying you, or talking to you like you're damaged goods, as I honestly don't think that for a moment.I realise your situation is very hard, and I won't pretend to know what it's like, but right now, I do truly believe you are worth so, so much, not just to yourself, but others and this world.You have a right to achieve, succeed, feel like a complete woman, and have a confident mastery of your own life.You have a right to do this, and feel special in your own way, and I can see you're not a person that is second best, you're someone who must clearly have a lot of human value, and maybe others around you don't see it, but it's clear you're not someone who is bad or gone off the rails, you're just someone who in my eyes is trying hard, and wants to be respected for it, and have it understood.I've seen people like you tell this kind of tale before, and it makes me feel a lttle unhappy that many others can't see the person I think you are inside, and the person I believe you can become physically, emotionally and mentally.I think there's so much more to you too, and I think you really and truly should be very, very proud of wanting to make this change now, and it doesn't matter about not trying before, or what happened over Chrsitmas, you're still young, and that Christmas blip is nothing at all, I can tell you that many have been there, and many have overcome a few festive lbs, and I believe you CAN overome too :-).I am writing this not just to say hay there's another person out there, that sees you for what you are and can be, when many don't, but because your recent comment, touched a nerve with me, and I see someone who is deserving of so much, but yet gets less than she should, and none of that is your fault, it truly isn't, it's other people not seeing someone like you, for the person you are and deserve to be.The fact you are trying to love yourself so much, is to me, a wonderful thing, which as I said you should be so proud of. It shows what sort of Heart you have, to love and care for yourself this much, and that you must be a pretty strong character, (even if you don't see it), to keep on, and not fold, when you have very few people who care what you're doing.You get a lot of plaudits for that from me, I think your determination in adversity so to speak is inspiring, and I admire your continuing efforts a lot.I think you have quite a way to go, but I think you also have the right mental, emotional and physical qualities, to spread your wings and fly, and I really want to tell you, I hope you get everything in life you are looking for right now.I don't know if this will help or not, but I have a messageboard I run to help, support and advise people with differing physical goals.I would be delighted to have you come and check it out some time. You will always be welcome, and there's some good knowledgeable people, quite a few ladies there too, who I'm sure will help you to feel at home :-).My site is called Steelmuscle, and you can find it on my blog.If you want to stop by the messageboard anytime, please do, and if not, sincerely no worries at all, but I'll finish by saying, don't ever stop loving yourself like you're doing, (I think overall you're doing superbly), and never stop believing in yourself, or fear yourself. You have nothing to lose and plenty to gain, and I certainly think you as a person are worth the time, effort, and love you put into yourself, so keep going, be strong, chin up, GOOD LUCK, and very, very best wishes to you.With much respect.

I do not think I have ever had someone to say those things to me, wow my heart smiled for once in a LONGGG time, I mean it really made me feel good.

I guess I will talk about what a screw up I am reallll quick..Ok I came home and ATE BADLY again then after read this I felt sooo Guilty, I am starting to reallt stress out over this, its like the food is taking controle of me AGAIN!!! I can not allow this to happen..I have to be stronger then that I hope I am but I have my doubts..

The Pit is driving me CRAZYYY for those who do not know what a Pitbull puppy is like..you will NEVERRRR understand, he consently plays and trys to make you laugh. He thinks it is funny that he is driving me soo crazy...God I love him ha ha haHe is the best lil guy ever...well I need to get ready for bed..

Ok Heres the scoop

2008-01-02T09:36:00.000-08:00

We will start with this, Ok I have Done EXTREMLY bad with eating and exercise and everything in general, I am so assamed of myself, I planned to get new years started on the right track but have filed miserably, I guess its been a mixture of the partys, holidays, stress and just everything!! I weigh myself daily and to be honest, my weight is down from my last Dr visit HOWEVER, its stayed the same now for two weeks, so i guess you can say I am JUST maintaining and thats not where I am in this journey, I want to continue LOSING until my goal is met! Starting today I am planning to make some eating changes, I have GOT to log my food and water intake and I am checking into a treadmill & excercise bike, It is just something I NEED badly because of the lack of exercise I get. New Years was just that..BAD I Drank, ate cheeseballs, summer sauage and you name it, if it was BAD I decided to splurge!!!! Well, even after that I went to a BUFFET my first time since my diet and ended up sick! Miserable sick...I have cried and been so upset over this, people just don't see that I am killing myself inside. I am putting myself down and feel unloved and unrespected and you name it I feel it, I have thought about logging on and just pouring my heart out on my blog BUT I can't or I won't! I am abusing mybody by taking laxitives because I get so upset that I ate what I did..It has to stop and I know I have the self control to do it, it is just getting off my ass and doing it! I deserve it and I am going to get what I want out of life. To be healthy is what I want, to get older knowinging that I done everything I could to stay healthy & happy so that I can say that after 30 I had a wonderful life...AFTER 30 lol ...As you can see this has been very hard for me, with no support and so much stress, it takes a toll on you and its hard to maintain a normal life and eat healthy and all that. I miss logging my food and eating healthy, I find myself slipping back into a BAD routine and the only person that gives a damn is me... I will get it togather TODAY...

Down 23 pounds since I started my Diet!

2007-12-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

I know I know I have not wrote in what seems like ages, It seem like when I came back from Christmas there was always something going on that I was dealing with so I have neglected myself a bit BUT now its time for me to get started back on my journey once again, For my New Years resolution I plan to stick with my diet..I have not done that bad but I have not ate as healthy as I should have...I knew Christmas would be much harder on me simply because I have too much time on my hands, I am at home and home is not good for me because it seems that is when I wanna eat and eat.. Christmas went better then expected, I have a fun time laughing with family but I was STILL sick and could barely talk even then..I am STILL sick! I have another long weekend so hopefully this weekend will be much better. I have so much I have not talked about that has happened, I am not sure where to start..Ok I no longer has Sassy, she is now living with my Mother in law, however I do have a new Pitbull puppy named Kilo, here he is..I have been spending alot of time reading up on the breed so I will know what to expect. He has brought alot of smiles this past week and I know he will be a wonderful Dog.
My dad is having some major problems and decided not to come for Christmas which did not make me Very happy, I was kind of upset with him and I think I may have hurt his feelings. I just get tired of people thinking I will put up with anything, he is out of work and it has stressed me to no end worring about him! I mean I wish he would get it togather! I did see my mom and got a few GREAT gifts from her, I did get the scales I wanted, problem is they have so much stuff on them I am having a hard time learning how to use the darn things. I love them..

Christmas day because I was so miserable sick, I did not eat but made up for the day afterwards by bring a whole meal in tupperware bowls..It was pretty good but I felt so guilty afterwards. I can see the weight coming off now but I feel like I am so ugly because things are starting to sag lol but I would rather have some saggy skin then fat...well i am getting ready to leave but wanted to write to get myself started...
Jenna

Today I feel much better

2007-12-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

This cold has really had me down but when i got up this morning, I felt so much better..I was hoping not to be sick during the holidays. Most of our attention has been focused on Keno which is our new Pitbull, he is such a swee doggy but hard to care for as he has to have content supervision. I still have some last minute Christmas shopping to do and just dont have time for this ya know he is Beautiful! I will of course share a photo of him...

Can't talk

2007-12-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

I am miserable sick and can hardly talk and when I do I feel like I wanna cry :( I am seriously sick....OK I am done :) I don't even feel like talking on here

OK IMPORTANT UPDATE!!!

2007-12-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

I have lost not 7 BUT 11 pounds, I just re counted!!!!! OMGGG I am sooo excited!!!!! I did not realize I had lost that much but I have lost a total of 23 pounds since 10/30/2007! I am proud of me....wow! I will be skinny for you know it! ha ha

Down 7 Pounds!!!

2007-12-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

Hello, wow I am really behind on my journal, I am usually so good about these things but as you see I am slacking...I have had so much going on BUT In the middle of it all..I went to the Dr and I am down 7 more pounds!!! wow I am soo excited..for those of you that aren't keeping up...I have lost a total of 23 sticks of butter so far! Wow I am just amazed and very proud of myself for this! I mean I never thought I had the will power to do it but, I am! And I will continue to keep on until I reach my goal weight, no matter who trys to stop it...I went to our office party at my bosses house and wow, It was great fun...we done Gag gifts and played "dirty" santa..Its funny I hate ELVIS and ended up with some elvis playing cards and a dart thing where you throw pigs lol it was soo funny..I have some pictures to share of course..Ok This was the food and YES I did eat everything that was there even chips BUT REMEMBER..its christmas :) This is me & a Co worker, Heather. I think I look so huge in this picture! I mean just HUGEEEEEE ok I am over that now lol but, I do feel like I look huge..Lord shes preggy and I look bigger then her!!!

Ok Now for other news, I went on my trip..it was kind of and anniversary thingy..Ok I have some pictures of me ...I LOVEEEE Christmas and believe it or not this was a great time..We went to the lodge...Ice skating and playing in the snow..wow I love the lodge!!!! OK OK I will get to the pictures already..lol OKOK This is ME In the snow!!! Yeahh I Loved it loved it loved it! OK NOWWW I look skinny!!!!!and I just had to turn a lil sideways so you could see I lost weight :) I told you I was having a blast!!!! I sure feel it today too, I am sooo sick and sore and MISERABLE!!!!! I took a hand full of meds to turn to come to work and maintain! Now as for how things went with my husband and I, well Ok after I returned..He decided I should be doing something with him..hummm ok whatever anyway so we went ice skating in Gatlinburg and looked at lights..of course I didn't get a gift, not even a card But hey...I would have more surprised if he got one ya know...I just tired to have a good day off...We did take a picture togather and I think I look sooo different in it... I just kept staring at it...couldn't believe my face looked so small or something lol...you know I have to share that one....I got a e-mail from my blog the other day from a girl named michelle, I was like wow how nice it was to know someone read and it touched them enough to write me...it was a wonderful feeling Ok I gotta run...But I am here :)

Wow BUSY shopping weekend!

2007-12-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas shopping was...a challege! I spent my whole weekend not even thinking about food but thinking of shopping and trying to get things in order for Christmas dinner..I am excited for people to get there gifts. I Know what some things that my mom got me are...A weight scale! YES what I wanted...& a steamer lol YESSSSSSSSS just some of the things I was wishin for he he, I just happen to show up before she got them wrapped! ha ha While shopping ran into an ex...ekkkk was not that happy to see them...left on bad terms and Honestly glad its been OVER ha ha I am glad that I had lost some weight before I seen them! ha ha ANYWAY..Today is my anniversary, not that I will get anything BUT it is...We were married in Georgia in a small town called Blueridge, GA Was I happy?? Now that I look back..not really! Sad to say but I think I mostly married because I felt like nobody else would have me..I didn't wanna die alone but..Lil did I know the complete hell I would go through, the late nights crying, the fighting and fussing. The Physical & Mental abuse..and the Emotional roller coaster I would be on! I can not remember a time in our marriage that I can say I "enjoyed" I mean don't get me wrong I have had good and bad days, some days he and I have gotten along, I know I loved him so much in the beginning but, after so many restless nights the love died. I have some scars emotionallt from him that I don't forgive and thats hard. I know that there is life out there and my brused heart will heal in time...I should have held on to my pride, but I guess he got what he wanted..I have few friends and I have shut out many over him. I am not sure, but I think Time can heal a heart..One day I will be able to hold my head up and feel strong.

Managed my eating pretty well considering the stress I have been under I hope that Christmas don't blow it..

Finally Friday!!!

2007-12-14T05:42:00.000-08:00

Wow it is FINALLY friday boyyy I have waited all week for Friday to come lol Ok so I done Great at eating today and done just BAD at drinking water, I am having a hard time in that department! Last night I DID eat Ham!!!! I couldn't help it and it was sooo Good...you have to enjoy yourself sometimes...well This week is going to be a VERY VERY busy week, My anniversary is Monday, I have a Christmas party that day and I am taking off Tuesday for Vaction day..Then I have an Dr oppintment and another appointment on Wedesday and WOW its going to be a CRAZYYY week! Its NUTS! I have felt fine but my LIp hurts, I have a Fever Blister :(

Today ~ Better!

2007-12-13T06:04:00.000-08:00

Today has been much better, I have mainly played online most of the day, trying to shop for good deals, ran accross a couple of them for Christmas..Eating Ok Yesterday for lunch I had a piece of grilled chicken and a small healthy salad..ate a rice cake for a snack and for dinner umm let me think..I went to my Mother in laws and ate some Ham & I think a couple of bites of a potato... not very good dinner but I know I did not go over my calories yesterday, This morning for breakfast I ate a Rice cake. I got the two books I wanted the other day called "the biggest Loser workout and diet book" and I bought the calorie counter. Its a pretty interesting book so far. For some reason I feel so FAT and huge and was feeling like I had maybe lost some more weight but now, I just don't see it, I think I might have gotten depressed when I went to try on my old jeans and they fit :( I didn't want them to fit...It was SAD But, the next day I made a point to wear the smaller ones that I can fit in as well..My dogs Christmas pictures turned out so well that I made a scrap book of them, and got a copy of all of them...Here is a couple of them..See I told you they are sooo pretty, I have more that have all three of them but I am at work and this is a few I put on for my screensaver.

Michael has not been that bad lately. My anniversary is Monday..Not sure what that day will bring just yet, I know next week will be a busy week..at work very lil but Monday I an attending a party at my boss's house and then taking a vaction day tuesday..wed. is my monthly appointment with Julie and Thursday is WEIGH IN!! so we will see how I deal with all that stress and eating right as well..Might be hard but I need to stay in control of myself..Thats important to me...Well Thats a small recap of me and my crazy life...

OK, It was a bad day...

2007-12-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Ok so Yesterday and the day beofr was just BAD, I mean I can't express how bad I felt yesterday, I was completely miserable and so sleepy, I am not sure what I took that made me so sleepy but it was miserable and I had such a long day, was at work all day then had class so It was bad...eating was ok I guess, I did have to eat a snack last night because I got hungry but I was good and ate egg beaters, I love them anyway...I have gotten so bad about logging food but I can assure you I am doing ..OK maybe not great, my main problem is not eating enough...I am trying to get better. Hope to have lost some weight this month, we will see...

Weekends WHY I HATE them!

2007-12-10T05:36:00.000-08:00

OK When I am at work, I have better self control...which means ok weekends I always end up messing up some how, also..I am away from The drama that I love with and I don't have people asking for my help when I have so much to do myself...speaking of my Mother in Law of course, since her surgry I have moved her, unpacked her, cleaned her house, helped her dress herself & feed her...wow it was just hand surgry..on one hand...I spent my whole weekend trying to make everyone else happy and it seems that happens alot..I am consently doing whatever everyone wants and I neglect to get what I need to do, done...Eating Saturday was not too bad, I mean I ate egg beaters and whole wheet toast with promise, That afternoon...I ate Subway a 6 inch turkey BUT I messed up and put pil and olives on it ohh and cheese!!! Why I don't even know...I just said it before I thought about it...Now SUNDAY was BADDD eating waise...well the whole day in general was bad..anyway I cooked what she ask me to..sloppy joes & fried green tomatos! well of course I ate a sandwich and two of the tomatos!!! I told you I HATE weekends...Its just so stressful!
Today has been better although I honestly felt like crap trying to get up :( But I made it up...and to work ontime. was so bad because I put $15 in gas and it was on empty where my husband made a pointless trip and ran all the gass out. .well I will stop gripping..I know its annoying to me too...Ok I take it back I hate weekends and mondays

You don't drown by falling in the water....

2007-12-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

"You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there"

Last night was not a good night & I figured it would not be..this is how it started..Work until 5:30 ~ School at 6pm until 9pm ~everything was not great but was ok up until this point, Michael picks me up and it down hill from that point, I won't go into detail about the whole conversation I will just say some things that were said that should not have calling me bitches & my mom a whore. He also told me he did not want to be there and I basically expressed I didn't want him there, He took off his ring ~ I took off mine End of story...kind of..as the night when on and he seen I was not going to cry he started trying to be nice after saying such mean things I couldn't image why he wanted to even be there but I have lived in this marriage and I know all the faces each one different Yet always the same. Sometimes I feel so helpless yet other times so strong..I feel I have been trapped in the past for too long and I am moving on, I just need to face it and realize as long as I am there he will never allow me to change. Sometimes I feel like half a woman, life has had me on my knees. I am definitely not a stranger to hard times, I just don't understand why they happen to me. I feel I have dealt with my ghost and faced all my demons and for once I am at peace with myself and my decisions...I finally feel content with the past I regret...I don't know what more to do anymore. I heard a song and wow the words hit me like a brick " Life has been patiently waiting for me" and I feel that so relates to me. Life has been waiting for me, at some point in my life "I" have to fit in it, I have been living for so many others yet neglected myself and my feelings. I have not done the things I know I could because of other people opinions. I feel there comes a time in everyones life all you see is the years passing you by & never doing what you want to know for yourself, like a ship with no sail or a bird with no wings you start feeling helpless and alone..It gets harder it seems the older you get. At this point I don't know which way to turn, I have so much going and just feel so overwhelmed. Knowing what I want & need to do yet staying seems so much easier. I know I deserve better of of course I have heard from others how much better off I would be and its not that I don't or think I I could make it on my own that scares me but "failing" is what scares me..Lil things Like I need a steady job & stuff like that, not that he has ever helped me but, being alone in a struggle is harder, trust me, I have done that. I have been through so much more then I could tell people but, this marriage has still topped my list of hard things to deal with, Its all the verbal, mental & Physical abuse I have dealt with so many times in my life and being with Michael sort of made it feel "normal" I don't want someone that trys to control me yet always end up with that type of person feeling like I have to have someone to control me to love me..The fact is..We don't love each other and are basically using each other, he is using me as a meal ticket and I place to live, somewhere to get money and someone to abuse and I use him just so that I will not "feel" alone but in reality..I am alone and have been. I am so confused and stressed out and try to go on like I am fine yet...I am not. The truth is I want and need this diet yet ~ I feel as if I am not doing it correctly, I want and need a divorce ~ yet I am scared to death, I want and need my Dad ~ He don't need me I mean there is so much more...I guess I had to lose myself to figure out the marriage was going no where, Maybe one day I will find forgiveness somewhere down this road but, I have held so much inside...I may not be able to. Its sad when I had to lose myself to figure out he's not worth working for

Hummm I am here, kind of

2007-12-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

Things have been a lil on the crazy side, seems I don't have a second to stop and do anything anymore...I guess it just because it is December OK food..I ate Great today..salad with chicken breast and I have been drinking plenty of water...so I have done good..Lets hope I eat a good supper and not do like I done last night and not eat anything... I am off to class

This is NOT good

2007-12-05T05:26:00.000-08:00

Supercharge Your Weight Loss By

Eating More Food!
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you eating enough calories on a daily basis???
While many people are eating too much, many are actually eating too few calories. The fact is, our bodies have a minimum energy requirement that does no more than maintain one’s vital functions while at rest.This is called one’s basal metabolic rate.
If you regularly restrict calories then your body establishes a new, lower, metabolic set point. This essentially determines how fast your metabolism is.
By lowering your metabolic set point, you store fat more easily since your body can no longer burn excess calories as well as it once could. Other than allowing for a slower metabolism, here are some more serious side effects that can accompany restrictive diets:
kidney damage
liver damage
dehydration
muscle loss
ketoacidosis
While the kidneys and liver ordinarily serve as complex processing plants, their normal functions can be compromised due to the muscle and organ tissue that has to be broken down just to maintain the basal metabolic rate.
This puts undue stress on the kidneys and liver which when left unchecked could lead to unbalanced pH levels in the blood. The broken down tissue comes as a result of the body’s lack of blood sugar that comes from a proper, healthier diet and can become fatal if the restrictive diet is prolonged and extreme enough in its restrictions.
If you are curious as what a healthy caloric requirement would be, then use the calculator provided on the West Virginia Dietetic Association’s website (http://www.wvda.org/calcs/fcals.htm).

Ok So, I Read this article & Wow, Ok soo I don't get enough calories, on some days and the days I do I splurge a bit to get them... I am not doing well at all, its hard to explain what I am feeling..I guess you go through a stage where your like " ok I am losing now what do I do different" I am extremly worried about what I am doing wrong, Last night I done something I have NEVER done just because I am becoming sooo scared of gaining...Ok its like this for a MONTH straight I have ate VERY healthy with the exception of Thanksgiving day and I had to many calories, anyway and things with NO taste are not pleasing to me and that make me not want to eat which in turn makes me eat fewer calories then I am supppose to. anyway, I am starting FRESH today ; as of today I am going to make myself eat even if I feel like I am not hungry..My food journal has to stay updated or else I can't do this so this AM I ate an apple, For lunch, which is now lol I am eating Stemed Broc, Callif & Carrots, A piece of grilled chicken and a Banana..so Thats Meat, veggies, fruit & Water... I am eating throught the day.

Well last night something happened and I guess I need to confess, Ok in defense I have had so much going home that I have not been getting home until late like really late..so I go to work get off at 5 and then off to class until 10 and still had to drive to my mother in laws - so through all that, I forgot to eat - NORMALLY I would have (since I have been on my diet) just go to bed since it was so late but LAST NIGHT...I stopped and ate an ARBYS! OMG I felt sooo weird about it that I went straight home and took a laxative!!! ( I told you I have never done that before)...I think I am becoming obessed with the whole weight thing, I am not sure how I feel I just know I never wanna be that weight again! Anyway its a new day I have done great today and eating was a lil better soo thats a plus.

I did spend the morning chatting with my co worker, which took a load off my mind, I have always heard if your stress out and need release tell it to someone who doesn't care about the situation, It not only gets it off your mind it helps the healing process...Have a great day!

Another BAD night..

2007-12-04T06:23:00.000-08:00

Ok well after the lunch ordeal I was kinda sick soo I didn't eat hardly anything yesterday and I see we don't do that, after I got home, Michael Mom called and ask if we would help her move...WOW long drive well we done it because she needed the help..After that I was starving to death where I had not ate most of the day, I ended up AGAIN messing up and going to get a Krystal!!!! Well to confess TWO of them! IT was NASTY BUT, I was starving!!! I needed something! So, I got to bed and wake up this morning and of course it was a bad morning! I woke up hungry, I ATE A RICE CAKE!!! lol I was like, NOPE I will not give in again...I took my Benefiber & My meds and off to work I went...I will not let this FAT drag me any lower then I have been in the past, I just can't and won't!!! I am tired of being huge, and crying when I look in the mirror, and Trying to AVOID the summer months! Thats a HUGE thing SUMMER, I hated to see it coming, as least in the winter I could sort of cover all this up, but it was getting to the point where I couldn't, I know I lost last month but I have had a few mess up's this month that might make a HUGE difference in how much I lose...Its kind of depressing and after a while eating the same ole same ole gets old...Its Sad when I can't wait on Christmas just to have an excuse to eat something good..
Work has gotten a lil busy thats why I feel I have negeted my writing and maybe thats why I am not eating properly...I have GOT to do this for myself...I want to feel good about myself and not feel so ashamed of how I look.. I want to feel good and KNOW I am healthy, I think I deserve it...
I have been online just not near as much, mainly because I feel like I am consently doing something and its driving me insane! Like today I work all day, get off, go to class and then to help my mother in law move again...I won't get home until really late and I will be dead tired. I have to get better at logging food...I might get a food journal...

VERY busy morning...

2007-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy this morning that I have hardly had time to think, I am pretty stressed about some issues and I guess I needed to stay busy. I did not feel that great when I woke this AM, I have a sore throat and just didn't feel well, I decided to eat a banana on the way to work, I thought maybe that would make me feel bette since yesterday I ate a small handburger from Mcdonalds, I have felt so bad since that lil thing!!! I guess mainly because I feel I lost control...WHAT was I thinking!!!!! I only ate a Chicken wrap, banana, orange and that lil Handburger!!! Nasty, but it did taste Ok...Just because I was craving salt...anyway I am back on track today I hope and plan to eat healthy today to make up for it... I brought my rice cakes incause I had a craving for something sweet...

Lunch - 12:15 and decdided to do lunch in the dining room they were having chicken and beef Faitias and I got a wrap with Lettace and grilled chicken, I ask for a very SMALL amount of cheese however, people do not understand "porton size" so I ended up with this HUGEEE wrap which looks soo nasty to me! I mean just gross..got back and started to eat it but the wrap stunk! I mean maybe its just me but it was NASTY smelling so I decided to take the wrap off just put the chicken and lettace togather and there was a hair in it, it turned my stomcah now I feel soo sick, I ate a VERY small porton of was not affected but couldn't help but think it might have touched it so I threw it away! Tought me a lession..NEVER order from the hot bar there!

Roasting Marshmellows?????

2007-12-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Saturday - I found ups and downs, eating habits are going ok, I did eat soe hamburger helper which was not good but I sub milk for water and used no fat stuff, hopefully that helped, Michael's Grandmother is still is the hospital and doesn't seem to be doing well...& My Step mom is in the hospital in Ga so things have been somewhat tense...I did get to spend some much needed alone time today shopping and such which I enjoyed. Michael was sort of a jerk today but thats not surprising huh...I have kept a headache for two days now and thats really pretty stressful as well... Last night Michael and i did go to the show I was speaking of, everyone looked so happy and excited and of course michael kind of acted miserable, I did try to enjoy myself and toward the end of the night things did get much better, I took some pictures to share..OHHH I ate a marshmellow!!! just 1 but WOWWW it was so good had to get my picture roasting it.I had an ok time but felt really alone and like I should have been there by myself.
Ran into a friend at Walmart, she mention that I looked like I was losing weight...That made me VERY happy!!! I was excited..I even went shopping again today...Just to buy smaller jeans and believe it or not they fit me better, I am noticing BIG changes with my Fat?? Ekkk its just there, I mean yeah I am losing the weight but now theres FLAB everywhere ha ha ha I will deal with the flab, once I am at my goal weight.
I know that I am having other problems. I hope that its not serious but when I went to use the batheroom I noticed Blood in my stool, and ALOT of it, I went to the Pharmacy last night and talked to him and he suggested a stool softner so, I decided that maybe I should...Seems like I am having problems going to the bather room, I checked and it is a side effect.
I was not online much the past couple of days, just needed a mental break... I feel like I am going crazy sometimes...well I better get to bed

Bad Morning

2007-11-30T06:26:00.000-08:00

wow I have felt really bad this morning, I had a long day yesterday, a LONG MISERABLE morning!! just so much going on and I just feel really stressed out..not sure why or whats going on, well I guess I do know just would rather no share right now...anyway I have kept a headache all day long wow its crazy... I did eat lunch really earily, I ate steamed veggies and some grilled chicken, I feel ike I am going to turn into a chicken as much as I have ate...lolwell I better get off here because I have some work that needs attention...

Ok So I messed up a bit...

2007-11-29T05:32:00.000-08:00

Ok so after work yesterday, which was already late I had an apppointment, then I had to go to the Mother inlaws for Dinner, well of course they didn't have anything healthy soo I ended up eating really late and NOT what I should have, yesterday at lunch I only had a chicken (Grilled and cut up ) and I snacked on a serving of raisins and some curves cerial......I just didn't have time to eat, I find that as the holidays are approching, it is becoming harder to eat "right" but I will not allow it to take from me what I want so badly...Michael wasn't as bad last night as normal, I can tell that he is extremly worried about his Grandmother who si going into surgry at 12:30 today, He mentioned staying at the hospital with her which he needs to do I think...but who knows if he will...
This morning I stopped my Mcdonalds and decided to have a fruit & Yogert cup & a Decaf with two creams ( Yeah I Know, the cream is bad for me ) I also brought a Fiber one bar for a snack and My fiber choice meds to aid is my hunger pains...
I am kind of feeling thisng will change soon, not sure what the change will be but, I feel it coming on....

Trying to focus....

2007-11-28T08:35:00.000-08:00

Are You Losing At Least One Pound Per Week?
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you losing at least one pound per week? If diet and exercise are made priorities then it should be completely feasible to lose at least a pound per week.
It needs to be understood that a pound of bodyfat contains roughly 3500 calories and if one removes 500 excess calories a day then at least one pound will be lost until a goal weight is achieved. This doesn’t take regular exercise into consideration which means more weight can be lost.
As far as the diet is concerned, make sure you remove those 500 calories from superfluous food sources such as sodas which can be replaced with water or unsweetened tea. That’s easily 120-150 calories depending on the soda.
Instead of fries or chips, go with steamed vegetables instead. Vegetables and fruit are recommended for two reasons: Not only do they have fewer calories due to the water content but they contain considerably more vitamins and minerals than the unnecessary junk. The diet facet is certainly more challenging than exercise in terms of fighting off the calories.
While for most, exercise is the easier of the two, it is still a motivational challenge at times. Some days we are too busy, while other days simply leave us too tired. And while easier said than done, try not to fall into a rut like that.
One of the best aspects of exercise is that it can serve as one-stop shopping in terms of calorie reduction. For instance, an hour of jogging burns up to 900 calories! However, remember to use weights as well because building muscle is what boosts the metabolism in the long-term. Alone, an hour’s worth of weight training will burn 500 calories but the metabolic boost you get is unique only to resistance training.
Of course, one needs to remember to not only eat a nutritious protein and carbohydrate snack an hour after exercising but to eat enough calories throughout the day. Many, think starvation will lead to fat loss when exactly the opposite is true. The body must break down its own muscle tissue in an effort to maintain one’s metabolism since not enough calories are being eaten. When calories are lacking, body fat is hoarded and metabolisms are slowed down in order to conserve energy due to the fight-or-flight response.
Once a solid diet and exercise program has been established, removing 500 calories a day will become the healthy sidenote to an overall healthy lifestyle.

Ok so, I started the new meds today and some how I feel extremely different?? I thought this was a lower dosage but, not sure. Anyway, I have recieved so many letters of support that I am so greatful, Thanks you so much to all that wrote. I woke up Several times during the night because I was just so excited and hopeful that I might be a regular size again...It felt great to sit down with the DR and have him explain everything to me... I needed yesterday, and I am happy that I have the support of my online community, during Thanksgiving I never said I was thankful for anything, mainly because, I couldn't figure out anything ( besides the basics; Cloths, food, roof etc ) well, I now have found something - Friends...wow, I was telling my co worker I didn't realize there were so many people that cared about someone else life.

I read a great article this morning, of course I am sharing it....I was amazed that I had lost so much weight and didn't realize how important a good diet was, now I see...

At work myself and two of my co workers have been working on a project so I have been chit chatting for most of the morning, better check my mail....

OMGGGGGGGGGG I am HAPPY!!!!

2007-11-27T19:13:00.001-08:00

OK I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY! Ok I stressed all day for what???? for the DR to tell me what a wonderful job I have done and i was right on track, I LOST 14 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!! 14!!! OMG I am so happy, I called EVERYBODY I knew to call to tell them....Colette THANK YOU for all the incouraging words your the best!, I did sit and have a conversation with him about everything and he explain some things to me, he feels I am doing great and complented me SEVERAL times about how I was doing and he felt like I would be the one to make my goal weight I just can not believe it!!!! Wow, what a stress relief!!!! I am buying a friggin scale!!!!! Then I pigged out after I left lol, seriously I was so nervious I only ate 5 rice cakes and a salad at lunch! I was so nervious...I met a girl I chat with oneline tonight, and she was awsome and a great support type person I truely enjoyed talking to her, its noce to have a woman to talk to here, I have no friends with the exception of the online vertial kind!!!!! well i am off to bed been a long day

A Lil on the STRESSED side...

2007-11-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

I am soo nerviou about my dr appontment I felt this CRAZY erage to EAT!!! OMG I haven't done that since I have been on my diet, well I done the right thing and brought RICECAKES, I never eat over 1 a day...BUT I have ate 4!!!! I thought its better to eat those then grab something else ya know...I don't even know why I am nervious, I just want to know what I have been doing is paying off... or is it pointless or what..Ya know...I am hoping to have lost at least ummm well I hope a lot but I know that wouldn't be healthy, I guess I am hoping for 6 pounds, thats not too much to ask...I have to talk to him about having the PCOS and see if that might have some kind of affect on my losing weight, upon research on it..I know that it slows down the weight loss process but I wonder how of if there is something I can do different... I told you I am worried, I have worried myself sick...LORDY anyway workkkkk Jenniferrr ok I got that out

Made a Mistake, TODAY is my WI

2007-11-27T05:54:00.001-08:00

Ok I made a mistake..Today is my WI, I have to be there today at 5:30. I am a lil nervious and excited. I thought it was yesterday but either way I am excited.... I know I have lost or I would not be wearing this size! I am in ANOTHER pair of smaller jeans..I just thought it was the way the others were made BUT NOPE!!!! They fit perfectly..may be a lil tight but, I can deal with tight as long as I fit in them....YESSSSSSSSSSS I am sooooo excited...I am also wearing an Xlarge today...wow been a while since I could do that...I am thinking maybe this sweater is a Mens lol I just keep making excuses about how I could wear these things but the fact remains I am in them!! which is like wow wow wow!!!!
Yesterday I dont think I logged my food and I need to start doing that sooo Let me think...yesterday morning for breakfast or through out the day I munched on Curves Cerial, Lunch, I ate cottage Cheese & Pineapples and OHHHH I forgot this...I ate a Bag (Small) of Lays Lites which have Very lil calories, non from fat BUT SALTY!!! I did try them and I did not like the after tatse, it left a greasy feel on your tounge...ekkkkk Last night when I got in I put on some white beans and sausage in the crock pot (For my husband) & I fixed ham salad with left over ham, I won't lie as I was fixing it I ate about 4 bites and I swar I felt sooo guilty that I didnt eat anything but a rice cake after that!!!! I went to bed...I did drink plenty of water....

This morning when I woke I was starving and I am starving now...so i ate a rice cake before I left the house...well I better get busy... work calls lol...

Wow I Feel GREAT WI Today!!!!!

2007-11-26T05:44:00.000-08:00

This morning has been Great Got up to get dressed and WOW I am wearing a 16!!! OMG I am soo excited...I go to the Dr later today and will know how much I have lost, I have a great feel about this...I have not done that wonderful over Thanksgiving, well I guess I have done good considering all the temptation I had around me...So we will see if it will all pay off in the end. For Breakfast this morning I ate a bowl of Dry Cerial ( Curves ) and have not drank any water yet but plan to in a few minutes. I have spent most of my morning pittling lol Chatting with people in the office that sort of thing, came in and did not have a whole lot to do. I am just so excited about this afternoon I dont know what to do...
I ask for a weight Watchers scale for Christmas but I want one now so I am thinking maybe I might go buy one this week so I can keep up with my progress... maybe weight every morning and see how that goes, I have always been against that because I always felt it was depressing but now that I am losing I might want to consider it. I am not sure yet.

I have a BUNCH of questions for my Dr and can't wait until I get off to go...I am thinking of maybe coming off the meds next month..see how it goes. Who Knows I might take off and lose LOTS of weight.... I may not look much smaller but boy I feel it..I mean I am so excited about the jeans!! Yeahhhhh Ok I better try to find some work lol

Wow LONGGG weekend...

2007-11-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

Ok So The weekend went better then planned, although I have not wrote that much its been a great weekend so far. Michael & I have spent some quality time togather, which was much needed time. Also I have been spending time with my Mother In Law, since she has a new man things have changed alot...For the better I would have to say...My WI Is tomarrow and I would say I am a bit nervious, I think I have lost some but, I am curious as to how much...I have not done that great as far as my meals and Have not been charting as I should...i did write one of my groups to find out about a weight watchers group, I found one at a local church but not sure if I have the time to put into it, I have so much going right now...

My Tree is up, I honestly did think I would have one this year but while michael and I were out shopping we ran into a great deal soooo i went for it, It makes the house a much "homey" Feel, Michael put the lights on it and done a Great job, I put the decorations on it..I like it pluse we have some new decorations that makes the house brighter...This is My Tree, and this is some of the bright decor and believe me there is so much more....I will make sure to catch up on my journaling tomarrow...

OMGGGG I went shopping, SMALLER SIZE

2007-11-24T21:26:00.000-08:00

I went shopping today and to my surprise I have lost weight, I dont know how much but I know some because I had to buy a smaller size!!! We took the Thanksgiving photos and wow, I could see it in my face..I have been so busy putting up my tree tonight and I was out shopping all day that I have not had a chance to write..I am soo tired, as for eating I have done OK, I mean like Lunch I had steamed green beans, Duck & water Dinner I had a chicken salad soo I have not done bad, I bought some healthy eating cook books today and plan to cook for family tomarrow I am going to try to make it healthy as possible so I can enjoy the meal gulit free...I have had an ok Day, really and I was with Michael...He helped me clean and even helped me with the Tree...I will post pictures soon...anyway I am soo excited that I feel like I have lost some, I will know in TWO days, for Chrismatmas I as for one of the weight watcher scales !!! Thats what i really want more then anything....well i better gooo

Work instead of Shop????

2007-11-23T05:07:00.000-08:00

Ok I don't know why BUT, I could have had the day off BUT, I decided that I would come to work instead! Not sure why but, I just felt it was pointless to spend money when I could be making money, I just can not afford not to work, so I am here and believe me I am the ONLY one here....Got here at 7:55!!! (Work Day starts at 8:30) Anyway, woke up feeling really guilty about yesterday But I guess we have to move on huh...Today I got up and ate a rice cake for breakfast, went to the Bank and headed here. Thats about it for now will write again in a Bit...

Thanksgiving night - Sharing Pictures

2007-11-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

OK OK, I done REALLLYYY BADDD BUT, Its one day and Its a Holiday..:) Good excuse huh? Anyway I did only eat once which know is VERY bad and I did eat Very UNHEALTHY food, I do Feel extremly guilty but, It was all good food and I had a Blast wanted to share some Pictures Of my Thanksgiving Ok this was 1 OF 3 Tables!!! Yeah you heard me right LOL OMGGG My food has healthy stuff in it BUT My Mother In Laws WOW.... BADme & My Mother in Law...Wow My face looks like I have lost weight?? I think soo I know My hair was just BAD lol I had been cooking Most of the night, got BACK up at 6 and started cooking again..Some of us being Goofy BUT ignor e my brother in laws finger..sorry bought that I just thought it was a FUNNY picture..My Husband & His BrotherThis is My Lil one after Turkey :)

ThanksGIVING Day...

2007-11-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

A THANKSGIVING POEM
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE
CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY
OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!!

Ok It is FINALLY Here, I have cooked soo much food, I mean soooo much it almost makes me sick to look at it lol Last night I done OK, not well lol I did pick some :) anyway I at a nice dinner before starting, well it was good anyway, had a Market fresh turkey w/ lettace, tomato and turkey, No Mayo or anything :) I did :( have a slice of swiss on it BUT onlt ate half the sandwhich. Last night I did have to test my food for salt and stuff i am sure that costed me a few calories :) and I did SNEAK a Deviled egg :( But all in all I done well....

This morning I have not ate anything, I did try a bite of the Dressing just to see what it needed but I have not even had time to stop for a break to take my meds and get dressed, I plan to drink two bottles of water BEFORE lunch so that I am not as hungry :) I might even eat a rice cake as well...to try to feel up..Michael has been acting Fine, which I am glad of, Didn't want to deal with that Ya know LORD LOL Well I hope everyone is having a Great one and Healthy eating :) well Ok....Just enjoy your self, Theres always tomarrow :)

Happy Thanksgiving world :)

Good Morning World...and Happy Day

2007-11-21T06:01:00.000-08:00

Good Morning, Woke this morning feeling great, I am not sure why but I do...I think maybe because last night was an Ok night, I went to meet a lady about my bags ( I am selling Handbags ) she bout a few and then I decided it was time to eat, We decided on Shoneys and of course I done GREAT, I ate a salad with the Dark lettace as I call it was all HEALTHY veggies and No cheese, bread crumbs or anything, and I ate Fat free dressing...for the dinner part ate 1 serving of corn & 1 serving of Pinto Beans ( Just enought to get some protein) per Mickey, My Co-worker, I don't get enough, I went home, watched the Biggest loser ~ Wow I cried through it, it was an amazing journey that the girl that was voted off had been through, she was down to her goal weight of 137 and looked beautiful, while watching the show, Michael showed a heart ( Believe it or not lol ) He was like thats great, she looks really good...and even made the comment that I was losing weight already and if people like that could do it, so could I. I thought I was there with some one else and almost hit the floor when he said it! He even watched the whole show with me!! Wow anyway..It was great to see that people CAN do it with determation, I wish that I could work out and stuff like them but, Its hrad when you work full time, go to school and do Taxes seasonal...theres just not enough hours in the day...

After that, I was a little tired but Michael put in Hairspray the musical and I couldn't resit watching it until I fell asleep..Woke up feeling refreshed and OK believe it or not..I have not taken meds or anything until 9:00...I was reading up on ways to make Thanksgiving more enjoyable for people on a diet, I really do not want to blow this because I go to the DR. Monday to get weighed.. I am extremely worried about and and praying hard I lost some..

I am at work..so I better get to it, just wanted to check in

I was tagged, answering questions

2007-11-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

4 Dishes I like to cook and eat
1. Mac & Cheese bake
2. Bananna Pudding
3. Grilled Chicken
4 Turkey
Four qualities I love in people
1. HONESTY is #1
2. Outgoing
3. Shows Respect (To both themselves & others )
4. Caring Heart
Four Places I have been.
1. Massachusetts
2. Florida
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. Georgia
Four Things in My Bedroom
1. Tv
2. Dogs bed
3. Fan
4. Clock
Four dirty words I use
1. Sh*&
2. Da&^
3. He*$
4. A#@
Four Objects I will never part with
1. My Pictures
2. My Grandmothers quilt
3. Letters from my dad
3. all my certificates and awards

Bring on the rain...

2007-11-20T06:14:00.000-08:00

There is no better time than right now to be happy.Happiness is a journey, not a destination.So work like you don't need money,Love like you've never been hurt,And, dance like no one's watching.

Ok I did not do that good yesterday with Calories, a friend of mine said that was starving myself...I thought it was pretty good, I ate a rice cake (50 calories ) for breakfast, half a Lean pocket for lunch (120 calories ) umm I had a Natures Own bar (140 calories ) and I had a broccoli (steamed) Meal that was 100 calories..Total of 510 calories, I thought it was more but I guess after I sat down and figured it, it was different well, I will have to do better today...

Last night on our way to get michael some "krystals" (LOLOL to myself) I dont remember what I said but his response was if you don't like it divorce me! WOW I was like OK, so you want a divorce ( I was saying to my self humm ok this could be a good conversation ) so he said whatever you want, I got real serious and said well, I think that things have not been good for two years, we went from fighting consently to just not talking, needless to say he did not speak to me 90% of the night, after the conversation, I turned the radio up and just...sang like it was nothing. I am not sure how he expects me to feel but if he is waiting on me to beg him to stay, well its not going to happen...I am not interested in the marriage anymore ~ I am tired of being hurt and the feel of being used. I want someone who will support me in my decisions and who will love me, he dont do either so why keep it up...it is only prolonging what is going to happen anyway...Marriage takes work AND two people willing to do that, I loved this man with my heart and sould and BEGGED him to love me, I can remember many night I cried myself to sleep only to wake up craying because of things he'd said to me to hurt me or something he done. Its just not a good sitaution and I feel like I am in a struggle to make someone love me..I think he is there "Just because" I truly feel he knows the marriage is over & has been for sometime.
I had so much hurt and disappointment in my life, I am not sure why I felt that this would be an exception..from day 1, I knew that I was not number 1 in his life. He has never showed me a side of him that proved to me his love..My hurt aches & some days I feel I am dying inside, I long for someone that will love me just as I am...even if they dont agree with my decisions in life. Its a Hard situation to deal with but, I know I will be fine, I have made it through worse storms. Being sexully abused from as far back as I can remember until I was about 9 - I went through 10 years of hell (something I chose not to share) and this I CAN and do...

Dieting gives me a start, to some a Diet is just that, to me its a life change, its the start of a new me...a me that is strong and knows that I can achieve whatever I want to in life. I know there are many test...BUT, I am ready "Bring on the rain"

Moving Right along...

2007-11-19T05:39:00.000-08:00

Ok well woke up, and got dressed, was a Beauiful morning, Not to hot and not to cold..wish it would stay like this..Weather said it was going to be 79 degress tomarrow...wow wee.. I like that~ Well I can not remember if i logged what I had for Dinner last night, it was a BLT Chicken Salad from McDonalds...Ok OK Calm down, I Took off the Bacon, Cheese & of course NO randch, Only Fat free Itilian for me and Lettace and Grilled chicken. Was very good :) I ate really earily, around 4:30, and did not eat anything else through out the night, which was great because I normally get a sweet tooth later on in the night..Ok So I went to Walmart to buy Thanksgiving, well I was VERY good and was proud of myself as I bought everything Fat free, or Low Fat and took the time to read the labels to decide what would be the best way to make it enjoyable Yet, as little fat as possible. I bought "Promise Butter" for myself and Light Butter for Cooking ( The promse was pricey for as much as I needed. ) I did NOT buy Veggie Oil..Ummm Lets see, I mean I bought Egg beaters & Egg whites for the things I would need eggs for and I boughtVERY little cheese, I decided instead of cooking desserts as I have done in the past, I would TRICK myself...I bought Three pies that I HATE, that way I would not be tempted to indulge in a huge piece. While there I bought My food for the week so I would not have to eat out, I bought things like Rice Cakes, Lean pockets, Steamed veggies that had No sauces on them and even found the ones that you can put in the Microwave...soo I think I done great...I am proud of myself...anyway was there 2 hours and spend a forutune BUT, I feel better about Thanksgiving now..
Today, On my way to work I had a Rice cake ( For Breakfast ) and brought a Lean pocket to eat for Lunch..We will see how that goes...Otherwise things are pretty normal...

Have a Blessed day..

Thank You for saying I changed..

2007-11-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

Ok so I guess things were just going too good..well after I got to spend the day by myself he comes home and decides to spoil it, Of course it was about the diet again, and believe me I know I am gaining strengh because, I didn't just take what he was say, I decided to say the truth... A friend of mine is bring me a Thanksgiving basket, just being nice, he was like I better shut the shades beofre those "people" show up....I said..."jennifer..just eat your salad and shut up" BUT I couldn't!!! I Looked at him dead in the eye and said.."they probally feel bad for me" he said"why" I just broke it down for him real SIMPLE.."because of you" I said...OHH he didn't like that one bit..he said ohh everythings about you and this diet, You have changed. ( I was YEAHHHH, a point for JENNIFER" because thats a good thing..He then says "well I guess your trying to lose weight to fine somebody else" I said well "if they treat me better then you may bee" Ok well needless to say he has not spoke to me since lol...Not that I care.

I am Happy to hear him say i am changing because thats GREAT..I needed to start standing up for myself But, he don't like that..OHH Well..

For Dinner I ate a Salad, with Grilled chicken and Fat free Dressing, Was REALYYY GOOD....I might have ate too much but, at least I feel a lil full, thats something I rarely feel anymore. well, I just thought i would share my afternoon with you...

Sunday already?

2007-11-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Ok I was p at 8am, My Mom has me on this lil project, I am selling her Bags on line and making a a lil money as well, YEAHHH well, I woke up to 27 e-mails this am after placing the ad so i have been busy at work ha ha, Thats the kind of work I need...sit at home work...I did wake with a Head ache this morning I am thinking its because the way I ate ysterday Ok this is what i did, I woke and I was not hungry at all so, what did I do NOT eat, I waited until like 2:00 and ate, I went to my favorite place..Cracker Barrel and done pretty well as far as what I ate, They have a Low carb menu, I had egg scramlers (1) a tomato slice, Turkey Sasuage ( They brought two but I ate 1 ) & whole wheat toast with Promise sread and suger free jam and I drank and 8oz glass of water But by then I had a HUGE woppin headache because I think I might have waited wayyy to late to eat..so being that I ate so late, I ended up not eating again until about 8:30 PM ( which is against MY rules about what time is the right time to eat ) and I ate 1 chicken wrap from taco bell -minus the tortilla because i normally tear 90% off and give to the dogs...LOL soo I think Thats why I am keeping a head ache...Weekends are extremly hard on me as far as the "time" I eat...anyway...I did go over to moms and visit yesterday which I always enjoy of course...and then I came home and stay up until about 2am wow I done BAD this weekend lol Ohh well...I will have a better Day tomarrow I hope. Michael will be gone most of the day today which I LOVE of course lol...

I am picking up the Thanksgiving food today as well..I am hoping to get as much lowfat stuff as possible without telling Michael and the rest of the family lol I don't think they will ever notice as much as they eat..lol OK OK I will stop being mean BUT ITS TRUE, they don't slow down long enough to enjoy it so, why not make it healythy for them . I did Buy some Christmas stuff at the Cracker barrel, I Love their decorations and EVERYTIME I go, i end up spending much more then my meal, I eat so little that the meals are much cheaper ( Would be even CHEAPER if michael would disappear Hee hee ) I got a CUTE Snowman that things single bells & moves its head & Lights up OHHHH ha ha and I got a Snowman made out of Ice and he lights up, The CUTEST thing ever!!! I ended up buying a new Christmas Flag for my Flag pole outsde as well...Well I guess i will get off of here for now..I have been on here forever lol Have a Blessed Day...

Busy Saturday

2007-11-17T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well hello seems I am getting later writing in my Journal, I got up and had to Run an errand for my mom and a couple for myself, Its been a busy morning so far..But a quite day...Last night for dinner, I ate something that I don't think was ummm too healthy however, I had not ate many calories for the day so I splurged a bit I had a arbys Jr, It was REALLY good...Last night I bought some of the Ice Cream I seen on the Hungry Girl website ( I Live by that site ha hah ) anyway I was amazed how low in calories they are and I did eat one last night...although I had the roast beef, I did not go over my calorie count which is good...This morning I still have not ate, Its 12:30 am :( I guess I need to but, sometimes I dread eating and other times, I am extremely hungry it goes from one extreme to the other. Last night I went to moms for about an hour and checked out her kitchen to make sure she was eating healthy lol, she said I am not the one on the diet lil girl ha ha ha, She is all for my diet and even said I looked like I was losing WOW, That felt realllyyyy GOOOD I may not be but, It feels good to hear someone say that, I hope that's just the beginning :) Michael has not been that bad today..I mean he's not been negative that is, But he did eat a HUGE Country Breakfast thing at Hardees...WOW that place is the WORSE for Calories!!!! Its like 1200 in a Monster Burger!!! i would NEVER eat one of those..That would be my calories for the day. I am not doing much but I think I will get my dogs out riding today so I better go get them dressed..Chat with you later...

Better Morning

2007-11-16T05:29:00.000-08:00

OK I feel MUCH better this morning, maybe I just needed to get that off my chest but, It must have worked because I feel 100% better today, I got up and took a warm shower got dressed and even left my hair down...I ate rice cakes and listened to the morning show this morning and traffic was not that bad, so Its been a better morning already...Just an update will write more in a bit..

10:30 am OK I am updating...OK The office is having a lil Thanksgiving treat :) I was VERY good, I did go but only ate two small cocktail wienies, 2 apple slices and 4 grapes I decided to come to my desk so I could resit the temptation.
This morning I have got very little done, I was chatting with a couple of co workers about my diet and so on and found out that Tonya, a girl I work with has been in Weight watchers for some time! I also found out exactly how the meetings work and what they are about, I am going to find me a meeting asap and get started, I am really excited about this info because I know I have someone that understand what I am going through. I also shared some personal information with them and feel so much better since I decided to get it out in the open...I am really tired of pretending everything is OK when in fact, Its the opposite, I struggle daily with this and feel it is time that It comes to a stop. I know that it will be tough, I am expecting that but when the time is right I will go for it...I am sad that my anniversary is coming up and have so many regrets through the marriage, That will be the second hardest thing I will have to do, Right now I am trying to stay focused on Me, my weight and getting strong enough to tackle that decision. Anyway I guess I will get some work done...

I have something private to share

2007-11-15T16:20:00.000-08:00

Without a Doubt I am depressed, I am not sure what is going on but, I feel like I am ..I don't know just Blaaaaaa Ya know..Its weird! After work I got dinner, I went to Subway and got the Mini sub ( 1/4 of a regular sub ) and had her to put JUST lettuce on it with two pieces of Turkey, after I got it i was ...ummm No That's NOT what I want sooo I pulled out my Calorie thingy for McDonald's and seen that I could get a 4 piece nugget for Very few Calories BUT, Its basically considered "fried" and I have not had ANYTHING fried soo I went for it and BOY I am paying for it, I ate THREE SMALL chicken nuggets and I now am sick and feel miserable...I guess because I have not had grease in so long...OMG it was NASTY, I won't do that again, for a snack i ate three fat free mints...yumm yumm lol anyway, I am not sure that i am losing anything, I am one of the stubborn people that REFUSED to get on a scale...I mean I REFUSE! I decided that once a month was enough torture for me soooo ...that's what I done...

OK I am ready to explain my depression, This is extremely hard for me BUT I need to talk about this and its really SAD and depressing and I hope that I can do it without crying my eyes out and this is the part of my life that VERY few people know about so they don't understand why I am so bitter at my Husband...

OK Lets start here when I was 14 my husband and I met, I thought he was my world and at 14 he was lol, I was raised in a single father home and I was searching for love, he seemed almost perfect, we dated until I was 19 and I moved to Nashville, I was there 8 years and returned, I just happen to run into his Mother (who BTW always wanted us to get married and told me at a young age that she knew we would ) well we started talking again and at 30 I married him..He when I knew him did not drink or smoke or anything..I mean NOTHING..so that being said, while I was away he was in a terrible tractor trailer wreck and came pretty close to dying and stayed in the hospital 3 months took him a while to learn to walk and to get back to normal but when I got back with him he was OK and seemed like the old Michael Little did I know he had a hidden secert that he failed to mention before we were married...

It was Ok at first and I noticed he would get really..Umm how do I say this..Moody I guess and became very violent and has even hit me in the past. Well he is trying to get disability and takes pain meds and has grown addicted to it, and when I say addicted I mean if he runs out all heck breaks lose...I mean Its SAD and SICK...to me. I guess because I have never done drugs I don't understand the whole "addiction" thing. I just figured since he gets them legally from a Dr its OK, but while in medical school ( I attended Medical school for 2 years ) I figured it out. This is extremely hard for me because I am highly against this and feel that he needs to stop when I suggest that, he is like well you don't have a medal rode in your leg and a plated hip and blots in your knee so u wouldn't understand...BUT that is true and I stay on edge ALL the time, this is one of our biggest problems..(That and the fact that he does not work, takes advantage of me and treats me like I am a "nobody" OH and NEVER supports me and and talks down to me constantly I could go on... ) I am the provider in the house, I clean, work buy food, pay all bills and do EVERYTHING on my own, yet I am married. i know people get tired of hearing it and I guess I do too...Its on my mind because we have our anniversary in about two weeks and it is sad to say but he has never even got me anything...I do it all an when i say that I mean EVERYTHING....I buy his cloths, wash them and lay them out sometimes...I am just venting I guess I just let it get to me WAYY to much But Now I am doing something for myself and sometimes i just don't feel worthy of even doing that...Some days I am strong and others weak and miserable...I use to think of ways to disappear because before him, i wasn't in a good situation either..Its been a hard life full of disappointment, and I guess I am scared my diet will turn out the same way...I never expect to be happy because I am normally let down ya know...

I don't like telling people about myself because I don't know of anything really good to tell...I am very friendly to "just meet me" But I keep EVERYONE at a distance and will not let anyone in my world..it's weird, I know alot of people don't know me that well but i was in college for 3 years, I met so many people, I was a member of Civitan ( A College out reach program that helped the community ) I have awards from various groups I have attended, I attend UT and completed a program and been through a few jobs and do you know out of all those things I have done, I don't stay in contact with many, maybe a handful of people...Why is that? Why do I push everyone away? The crazy thing is I have always felt that people didn't like me, I would hide behind my weight, Now that i could possibly be losing it, what will I hide behind??? I am in a Bad situation all the way around but, God knows I am trying to dig my way out of the mess I have become...I just hope I have the strength and will power to do everything it will take...

Not Sure but, Depressed maybe??/

2007-11-15T07:39:00.000-08:00

OK I feel like I have not wrote in forever, Yesterday I left work Early because I had an appointment, After the appointment I ate dinner which was Green beans, 1 Chicken skewer, 1 slice of fresh orange, Once I got home I ended up going to walmart to buy dog food, wow what a visit to walmart..I was walking down the Christmas isle and almost cried, I can remember last year all the candy that I loved, I love white choc & peppermint, and white choc and dark Hersey's, and wow..I could name at least 25 that I was crazy about..I litterly almost cried thinking about how hard it will be to resist the temptation of those type things...I re famed from buying any but did buy a sheet of mints ( 130 calories for 6 of them ) That helped some..I was a lil down, I am not sure if it was because of the rain or just life..not really sure but, after I got home, I sat and worked on my coupons...I think I have a coupon for everything on my cooking list for Thanksgiving..and about8:30 I was like, I am rating something...I ate a cup of Curve Cereal and Soy Milk, and went to bed around 10pm, It was storming like crazy and I missed the computer but was scared to turn it on...

This Am ( Its 12:29pm now ) I came in and just feel kind of weird...I don't wanna talk and I don't want anyone to talk to me so I done the best thing..I Put My Ipod on and have had it on ALL morning and still have it one..I know this is a Mood swing because when I woke up I felt fine...For Breakfast I ate a Fiber 1 Bar and ate two "Fiber Choice" pills... I also snacked on three Mini rice cakes throughout the morning...

Michael has surprising acted pretty normal for the most part, we haven't really talked, That's probably why we have got along..That seems to do the trick..Like I said I have felt a lil weird, kind of depressed in a way...I have tried to pull myself out of it, This is the first time since I have been on my meds that I have felt like this, I am not sure if it has anything to do with it or not. It is possible but, I seriously doubt it..

I chatted with Mom last night which was nice, we talked for about an hour...she has been working and stays busy most of the time. well I guess I will see whats for lunch and see if I want to eat that or a meal bar

BTW, I have been thinking of joining weight watchers so I can attend the meetings, I found out they have them here in Knoxville, I think that's a positive way to keep me motivated through the Holiday...

A Pat on the back for Jennifer

2007-11-14T05:50:00.000-08:00

OK I feel like I have negeted my blog although I just wrote yesterday at lunch, I like to be a little obsivive about writting so I can keep up with it all... :) Ok Lets start ummm when I left work yesterday ( I mainly read Hungry girl ALL day yesterday and a few blogs ) OK I left and head to class, ( I am in Tax Classes, I have to renew every year I am on my third year ) OK It was ok but I figured I better get my dinner before going or it would be way to late, so I stopped by Mickey D's and got Apple Dippers and a Grilled chicken wrap, I didn't even eat the tortilla, I just ate the lattace and the Meat..I only ate 1 smal package of the carmel, It was really good and made me want something sweet extremely BAD, sooooooo This is where NORMALLY I would have stopped by a store on the way home and grabbed a fast snack BUT...YEAHHH for Jennifer, I decided on going to Walmart and buying some snack foods for when I get a craving for "snack" foods...( I studyed the Hungry girl site to find some healthy alteritives ) I decided on..
1. Graduates, Finger Foods ( For Babies ) BECAUSE, you can eat 80 pieces and its only 25 calories and 0 calories from fat
2.Quaker Mini Delights buttered popcorn - Multigrain cakes 1 pack is 90 calories
3.Quakes Rice snacks - Caramel Corn You can have 7 mini cakes for 60 Calories 0 fat calories, They are Extremely good...
4. Weight Watchers - Yogart (Strawberry)
5. Curves Cerial w/ Soy Milk ( the curves was really good with only 100 calories per I think because I dont have the box but maybe a cup??? ) anyway and the Milk was 80z glass 50 Calories!!! Wow wee..I done my homework, anyway..After that trip I wasn't that hungry anymore but did grab a rice cake to see how it taste..Really good :) and I curved my sweet tooth $25 later ha ha

This mornings been fine, I have not taken my meds and still was not hungry this am, I did make myself eat 5 mini cakes...yummy breakfast... Other wise the moring has went well..My Boss just brought in alot of work so I better get working...will add more later on

Lunch time 11/13

2007-11-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

The morning has been pretty uneventful, I have mainly sat in the office and looked at www.hungrygirl.com WOW thats a GREAT site, I have learned so much...shes so smart and knows whats shes talking about, I read all the way back to 2004!!! Anyway for lunch, I did eat...I went to the dinning room & decided on a piece of grilled chicken on a bed of lettace and a Aquafina "Alive" wellness water (10 Calories ) It was a decent lunch and I am "trying to eat at least eat a little every meal time. Anyway, I have class tonight which I am dreading as I always do, I HATE getting off work only to drive and sit for 4 hours...I think its crazy but, I think its an every year thing, I wish there was another way...well I am outta here, guess I will check out some blogs :)

Some Great reading this AM

2007-11-13T06:27:00.000-08:00

Well its been a great morning I assume, I got up and walked in my living room and stoof there looking around..its looks great, I am excited to get some kind of change in it...The new couch is very comfortable and nice looking all the way around...I did get up a lil late this am and traffic was just terrible...Once I got to work ( 10 minutes late ) I was starvinggg I mean really hungry, I assume because I did not take my meds. So I gave in to my hunger haha, I went to the dinning rooma and grabed an englisg Mcmuffin with egg and cheese..I know not the healthiest thing I could have done.. BUT, I feel ok about it, I will just be careful the rest of the day, I feel like I ate a whole pizza or something...I have been doing some work but inbetwwen work I read this GREAT article..ad of course I will share with you..

Are You Losing At Least One Pound Per Week?
By Ian Robertson, Managing Editor PhenForum Daily and the Weight Loss Club
Are you losing at least one pound per week? If diet and exercise are made priorities then it should be completely feasible to lose at least a pound per week.
It needs to be understood that a pound of bodyfat contains roughly 3500 calories and if one removes 500 excess calories a day then at least one pound will be lost until a goal weight is achieved. This doesn’t take regular exercise into consideration which means more weight can be lost.
As far as the diet is concerned, make sure you remove those 500 calories from superfluous food sources such as sodas which can be replaced with water or unsweetened tea. That’s easily 120-150 calories depending on the soda.
Instead of fries or chips, go with steamed vegetables instead. Vegetables and fruit are recommended for two reasons: Not only do they have fewer calories due to the water content but they contain considerably more vitamins and minerals than the unnecessary junk. The diet facet is certainly more challenging than exercise in terms of fighting off the calories.
While for most, exercise is the easier of the two, it is still a motivational challenge at times. Some days we are too busy, while other days simply leave us too tired. And while easier said than done, try not to fall into a rut like that.
One of the best aspects of exercise is that it can serve as one-stop shopping in terms of calorie reduction. For instance, an hour of jogging burns up to 900 calories! However, remember to use weights as well because building muscle is what boosts the metabolism in the long-term. Alone, an hour’s worth of weight training will burn 500 calories but the metabolic boost you get is unique only to resistance training.
Of course, one needs to remember to not only eat a nutritious protein and carbohydrate snack an hour after exercising but to eat enough calories throughout the day. Many, think starvation will lead to fat loss when exactly the opposite is true. The body must break down its own muscle tissue in an effort to maintain one’s metabolism since not enough calories are being eaten. When calories are lacking, body fat is hoarded and metabolisms are slowed down in order to conserve energy due to the fight-or-flight response.
Once a solid diet and exercise program has been established, removing 500 calories a day will become the healthy sidenote to an overall healthy lifestyle.

I put in yellow the thing that relates to me the most & Believe me thats me...Not that I am starving but, I have always felt I am eating WAY to much even when I eat a small amount....and thats not always true according to this article. I have also been taking "Fiber Choice" I am not sure that I need that much fiber BuT, I figured it couldn't hurt. Anyway, Things have been pretty ok so far but its earily yet...